Eating Out: All You Can Eat Page #5

like drinking blood straight

from Amy Winehouse's wrist.

- God, I'm glad I met you.

Last guy I dated, Zack,

such a f***ing loser.

He was a good kisser.

- Kissing's overrated.

How good was he?

- Incredible.

Always started off the same way.

Two pecks.

Then a deeper kiss.

Followed by a bite

to the lower lip.

And repeat.

- Get back in.

We should f***.

Is that your bed?

- I don't usually do that

on the first...

- Yeah, neither do I.

Right behind you.

- Hi,

how can I hurt you today?

- We gotta talk.

- We have nothing

to talk about.

- Five minutes,

that's all I ask.

- You need to have

an appointment.

- We gotta do something

about Zack and Casey.

- What do you mean,

I thought you were gay for Zack.

- Come on,

you know I'm not gay.

- You know I was just

trying to piss you off.

- Well, it didn't work,

clit monger.

Why would you want to help them.

- They seem like they

actually belong together.

And I messed that up.

- My God,

you have feelings?

I thought your fortes

fortes was cheating

and home wrecking.

- You cheated too.

- He wasn't inside me yet.

- We both f***ed up.

But this is our chance

to do something right.

- Aww.

Tyra moment.

How do we get them together?

Zack clearly prefers to be

with gorgeous people

like me and you.

- It takes a lot more

than a gym

and some cucumbers

to make someone gorgeous.

- The point is Casey

isn't even on Zack's menu.

- Exactly!

We're ordering

from the wrong menu.

We gotta go

to another restaurant

where Zack is

and order the hot dog.

Because we really

just want the bun.

- Or we could trick them

into a date.

- That's what I just said.

- Hey there sausage,

why the long dick.

- Oh, it's you.

- Yes, it's me,

the slut with the heart of sh*t.

- No argument here.

- I know.

I'm sorry,

I owe you a cocktail,

or at least a hand job.

- You've done enough,

really.

Actually,

there is something you can do.

Find me an auctioneer

for the male sale.

- I'll do it.

I used to run the auction

at my stepfather's Jude Ranch.

- Really?

- Yeah.

There's a lot people

don't know about me.

Listen.

You need to know the truth

about what went down with Casey.

- Casey can suck my balls.

- Well, that's what he's been

trying to say all along.

- You know what I mean.

- I know.

Come on, let me buy you

a drink later.

You shouldn't be alone

during this delicate juncture.

Trust me, I've been there.

Where is your fag hag anyway?

Oh, come on,

I'll sub for her.

- You can't sub

for a best friend.

- You're gay

and I'm a straight girl

of big tits.

Evolution has

genetically programmed us

to be there for each other.

Like the clown fish

and the sea anemone.

Now, what'd you say?

- Casey!

- Oh, hey.

- You, me, drinks.

Tonight.

- No.

What's up with you

going out with gay guys.

- I want to make up

for screwing up your game.

- Yeah, I don't think

a Blue Ribbon or whatever it is

straight guys drink

is gonna help.

- I'll put an umbrella in it.

Awesome.

I'll pick you up at 6:00.

- Awesome.

- It's me.

- We're set.

- Great!

Now be a good little stripper

and do whatever it takes

to get those boys all

horned up and ready to blow.

- I think they care

about more than sex.

- Jesus, you sound

like a woman that isn't me.

Of course they care about sex.

If they don't,

that's what the alcohol's for.

- Well, you just show up

when you're supposed to.

- Honey, I'm a as reliable

as birth control.

- That's not a 100%.

- Take it or leave it.

- Tandy,

what's up dragon lady?

- I got your non-call,

leave a f***ing V.M. next time.

- You said

you didn't want to hear

about gay problems.

- Good point,

thanks for sparing me

the Queer as Folk rerun.

Where are we going?

- To hang out

with my new friend,

remember that girl, Tiffani.

- The sluttier version

of Tara Reid?

You're hanging out with her?

- She wanted to hear

about my problems.

- I smell a rat

with fake tits.

- To all the boys I f***ed

and never called back.

- That must be

like a hundred.

- Like ten years ago maybe.

- Z Here's to me catching up.

- So, this whole Internet...

- Lie.

- Performance

was totally 100% my idea.

Casey had nothing to do

with it.

- But he's the one

who chatted with me, right?

- Yes.

But I practically raped him

into it.

- So what he said,

how much of that was him?

- Just the good stuff.

- He's lucky to have you,

except for the raping part.

- To the raping part.

- To the raping part.

- Trust me,

this is so much better

than shaving.

- That feels really weird.

- A**holes

are like snowflakes.

Speaking of pretty a**holes,

why were you dating

that Lionel guy?

- What?

You've never dated

an a**hole before?

- Honey,

a**holes are attracted to me

like sh*t to a**holes.

- And why did you stay

with them?

- Sex.

- Exactly!

I have the same problem,

I can't say no to cock.

- Oh, you're f***ing

to the choir.

Dick, it just like blinds me,

you know.

- You ripped out

my sphincter!

- My turn.

- You know,

Zack is totally into you.

- No he's not.

I need to give up

and go for someone uglier.

Not like Michael Stipe ugly,

but at least

Rufus Wainwright ugly.

- I don't watch that show.

But I've been watching

gay guys for years.

See, they don't think

the strippers can see back,

but we totally can.

You guys' problem is

you don't even talk

to each other,

you're always waiting

for someone else

to make the first move.

- I gave him my number,

I volunteered for the male sale,

I took off my shirt for him.

I stalked him on the Internet.

I made all the moves.

- But when'd you tell him

you liked him.

- You know,

you could cheat on me,

steal all my money

and kill my mother

but if you're hot,

I'll make excuses for you

until the day you leave me.

Or turn gay.

Or both.

Oh, damn,

all out of liquor.

Let's get out of here.

You can have that one,

I got plenty at home.

- That pizza

ought to be here any minute.

- Yum, pizza.

- What if

your boyfriend Zack

was the delivery boy?

- You are such a stripper.

And he's not my boyfriend.

- I gotta hit the head,

get the door if the pizza comes.

- Ok.

- You've been

a very bad boy.

You have the right

to remain sexy.

Anything you touch

will be held against you

in the court of my...

Hit me with that pepperoni!

- Casey?

- Gotta go,

you two work it out, bye.

- Damn it!

- Hey Zack.

- Nice hat.

- Are they f***ing yet?

- Not even close.

Is this gonna work?

- Trust me, it's science.

If you leave

two d*cks together,

eventually one of them's

going to need sucking.

Like prison.

- I'm really sorry

about what I did.

- Who does stuff like that?

- People with no self-esteem?

- It's kinda mean.

- I'm sorry,

it got out of hand.

I just...I wanted to...

I don't know.

I wanted to meet you.

- You did meet me.

- I know,

I'm just an idiot.

- It's not a big deal,

it's over.

- Come on,

this is the part

where you f*** him.

- Man,

he just looked at you.

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