Eating Out: All You Can Eat
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 2009
- 80 min
- 207 Views
- Come, come to me,
mi hijo.
- Tiffani, you are crying.
Why, my darling?
- Oh, Ernesto,
it's just I've been
with so many men.
- Have there been many?
- No.
- It will not matter
if you have been
with millions of men.
- Well,
you're getting warm.
With other men it's just sex.
Random trashy sex
that goes on for days.
But with you,
I will finally make love.
Oh, Ernesto,
I totally love you.
- I want to make
many children.
- Yes, children.
Put children in me now!
F*** me now!
Harder, Ernesto, come on.
Oh, yes, f*** me
like a day laborer.
Yeah, baby,
take me from behind.
Use me, treat me
like a f*** machine.
Rarrr, rarrr, rarrr!
- In the butt?
- Yes, in the butt, now.
- Tiffani, we must stop.
- If you stop
I'll rip off your dick
- Tiffani,
we're in a coffin.
- Shut up,
you're ruining my fantasy.
- Tiffani.
- Sh*t, my speech.
Gracias, Ernesto.
I love funerals.
- Kyle and Mark loved life,
and that's why
we're here today.
My son was so proud
of his homosexuality
that he would want you all
to know exactly how he died.
My son rocketed off
this mortal coil
at 80 miles an hour
down the Ronald Regan freeway
while giving the man he loved
a blowj*b.
According
to the autopsy report,
as Mark began to bust a nut,
Celine Dion's tour bus appeared
going in the wrong direction.
Upon impact,
my boys came together.
And they died together,
doing what they loved.
Amen.
Kyle's best friend,
Tiffani Vanderslut,
has prepared a special tribute.
- I wouldn't call us
best friends exactly.
This number goes out to you,
Kyle and Mark.
Kinda sucks they're dead, huh?
I remember the time
Kyle pretended to be straight
for my ex boyfriend, Troy,
who made him eat my p*ssy.
And then everything went...
Well, maybe that's not
an appropriate memory.
And Mark.
Actually I hardly knew you
but whatever,
thanks for coming.
Here's a little diddy
I learned in Girl Scouts.
I had to look up the lyrics
online.
# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. #
# Someone's praying, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Someone's praying, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Someone's praying, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. #
# Someone's praying, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Someone's squirming, #
# my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Someone's horny, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Oh yes, my lord! #
# Cum-by-ya. #
Oh, God, it's so hard,
I just need to...
pray.
- Lord,
hear our prayer.
- I'm gonna love
this town.
- It isn't much,
but I can give you
a good deal on the rent.
- It's perfection.
- You haven't seen it.
- It's near my Aunt,
what more could I want?
- Well, it is furnished
and it'll be nice
to have family around.
- Thank you, Aunt Helen.
- I just wish you and Kyle
could've spent
more time together.
Did he know you were a mo?
- Uh...
I didn't know I was a mo
until like a year ago.
- Color me, Britney.
I always thought you were gayer
than a midnight screening
of Showgirls.
- I was
one of those clueless gays.
Everyone knew but me.
- So when did you finally
get your man-cherry popped?
- Aunt Helen!
You don't wanna hear about that.
- Of course I do.
I wouldn't be a good aunt
if I didn't.
- 696? Is that local?
- Well, I gave your number
to that slut
from the funeral, Tiffani.
- Oh, I love her.
- Kyle adored her.
And, well, I thought
you might need some new friends,
even if they are loser whores.
- Hello?
- Casey, Casey.
- Hey, Tiffani.
- How did you know
it was me?
- I remembered
your sultry voice
form the funeral.
- Compliments
will get you nowhere
unless you're straight.
And hung like Mr. T.
- Damn and damn.
- As I thought.
Your aunt tells me
you need a job,
why don't you get
your faggoty ass
down to 4255 Hawthorne Lane.
- You are such a stud.
- I know.
Fuff!
Where have you been
sticking these things?
- Oh!
- Go on,
go get your tramp on.
- Thank you, Aunt Helen.
- I am the coolest adult
in the world.
Oh, Kyle...
My little queen.
- Nail Me, we do nails.
With release!
No, I'm kidding, I mean,
unless you're a really hot guy.
Are you?
Well, I'm sorry you don't find
my brand of humor...
Well, I'm sorry I offended
your Christian sensibility,
but if you worship a guy
who was hung on a cross,
nails should be the last thing
on your mind.
Who needs customer
like her anyway.
- Let me introduce you
to the girls.
Pam, Candy.
- They said they can't wait
to get to know you.
- Cool.
Tell them I feel the same way.
- Basically, you sweep up,
take phone calls
and do whatever we say.
Can you handle that?
- Is Madonna awesome?
- Okay.
Well the job's yours anyway,
but there's one little catch.
You have to come with me
to this event thingy.
- I love event thingies.
- You try too hard.
Come on.
- Right now?
What about work?
- F*** them.
- F*** you, too.
- What are we doing here?
I don't like places like this.
- Me neither,
but they have this fundraiser
where they auction off dates
with shirtless beefcakes.
Nudity and open bar.
- You're taking me to that?!
- No, it's in two weeks.
And you're taking me.
Kyle was going to,
but, you know, he's dead.
So you're going to volunteer
and get us free tickets.
- But I'm so not
a hot shirtless man.
- You're hardly a man,
no one would pay for you,
you'll help out
behind the scenes.
- Why would I do that?
- I gave you that job
and I can replace you
with an immigrant, like that!
- Okay, okay,
it's just that I'm not
into the whole gay scene.
- Welcome
to the whole gay scene.
Are you kids here
to volunteer?
- I'm not but Casey is.
- Fabulous.
Darling, you're shaking
like a little Chihuahua.
Don't be nervous,
I don't bite...much.
- He's never volunteered
before.
- Oh, a virgin.
- If you don't count
anal.
- Well, either way,
fill out this paperwork
and then I'll have Zack,
our volunteer coordinator,
meet with you and figure out
which position
you'd be most comfortable in.
So to speak.
- That's why
I don't like these places.
They're full of these
old horn dogs
looking to get laid.
- Jesus.
Lay off the fox news.
- Really, I always hear
'the gay community' this,
the 'gay community' that.
But all I see are a bunch
of drunk a**holes
looking for sex,
who don't care anything
about relationships.
- Excuse me,
Maria full of grace,
but that doesn't sound
any different
than any straight bar.
Drunk sweaty men.
Drooling, groping,
pressing their manhood
all up against
your supple ass
on the dance floor.
- God, you are gayer
than I am.
- Honey, I'm gayer
than a Kevin Spacey
Anderson Cooper chicken wrap,
and what's wrong with that?
- Nothing, it's just
I'm disappointed
at how sex-centric
the gay community is.
- It's called homosexual,
not homo-hug-ual,
what did you expect?
- Romance?
I want to travel the world
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"Eating Out: All You Can Eat" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 23 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/eating_out:_all_you_can_eat_7441>.
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