Eating Out Page #2

You ate p*ssy

and you liked it!

i, i...

You came!

HI Gwen.

Who's your friend?

Oh, Jesus.

Fair thee well

my fairy

fay.

Who was that?

I don't know, he's a newborn.

No, the girl.

Gwen.

She's hot.

Yeah, she's cute.

But a total Meredith Brooks

hit single.

Excuse me.

That her boyfriend?

No, her roommate, Marc,

the love of my life.

He's gay

and I'm invisible.

All her friends gay orwhat?

She's kind of a fag hag.

I hate that term.

'Cause you're one.

Shut up. I am not.

You live with me.

So she's straight though,

right?

Yeah, but she's totally in love

with Marc.

They screwed when he was in

the closet

and she's been trying to

replace him ever since.

Doing a real good job,

she keeps dating fags.

I feel like a turnstile

to the white party.

Why do you keep doing this?

I don't know.

They're time bombs, Gwen.

it doesn't seem worth it.

I met you.

Let's not go there.

You're the best thing that

ever happened to me.

I wanna go home. Marc, take

me home.

I just got here. Let's hang for

a bit.

I'll do a little damage control.

I bet I looked pretty stupid

out there.

Not at all.

Liar.

You did look sorta goofy.

I did?

You ate p*ssy! You liked it!

F*** you!

I almost made it with ''British

Guy'' in a broom closet.

But he wouldn't kiss.

Maybe your breath was

penisy.

Can I make you a drink?

Did you want me to make you

a drink?

I'm gorgeous, not helpless.

it's not a sexist thing. I just

thought you might be... You, know stressed out.

Just get the f*** out of my

way.

Sorry.

Thanks hon, wanna mix one

for yourself?

F*** you.

She just brushed me off-

with a flame-thrower.

She's just like that at first.

You like them butch.

Would you stop being a total

zit and leave me alone.

What's taking so long?

Oh, hI Gwen.

You know this guy?

Yeah, this is Caleb. Caleb,

Gwen.

Sorry Caleb. it's been a night.

Nice to meet you.

Caleb's gay.

You're gay.

uh.

Yeah. He's kinda new.

Oh honey. That's so sweet.

You two together?

Oh no.

Not anymore. We're just

roommates.

Good.

We were never together.

Sorry.

Sometimes I can be a c*nt

and a half.

I thought you were a drunk

breeder boy

going forthe chick in despair.

Your shoes had me fooled.

Like I said, he's new.

Gwen.

HI Marc.

Kevin.

Kyle.

Marc, this is Caleb.

Hi.

He's family.

Nice to meet you, Caleb.

I'm sorry, I'm totally drunk.

No you're not. You're

designated driver.

No, I think you're wrong,

Gwen.

I was just meeting Gwen

and...

You new here?

He's my roommate. We

dated.

We didn't date.

Let's away, ourwork's done

here.

Where are you going?

What?

Let's give them some room

to breathe on each other.

I wanted to talk to Marc.

Not a chance with that

around, hon.

So...

You stole my boyfriend!

He's not your boyfriend.

Oh, so now you're gay?

it was your idea.

You knew how I felt about

him!

We're not doing anything.

You're going on a date!

That was his idea.

I've been stalking him for

years. You decide to be gay for one night-

I'm not gay! Why don't you

just tell him you like him?

That would be as futile as

drug testing at the Gay Games.

So you think you're gonna get

Gwen like this?

I don't know. I don't want to

go.

But he lives with her. I'll get

to see her again.

I can just tell her and get this

all sorted out.

Of course there goes any

chance I had with her.

And you live with me, so Marc

will have to come here. This could be parfait.

Go on a few dates with Marc,

the four of us hang.

You come to the sad

realization that you're straight.

You go running to Gwen, Marc

comes running to me.

Genius. I'll be your... goatee.

How do you know they'll do

that? Sounds ''etch-a-sketchy.''

No, it's parfait.

You don't understand human

nature the way I do. I'm a musician.

Who got you that date with

Tiffany?

You hit herwith my car on

purpose?

No that was just dumb luck, i

knew how to take advantage of the situation.

Plus Tiffany lives right next

door to them and seeing you date her neighbor would kill her.

Okay, one date, and we'll see

how it goes from there- but no sex stuff.

Yeah, try to control yourself.

F*** me or f*** you?

You'll actually wear it for

what, twenty minutes?

Not with this guy.

Because he's Mr. Wonderful,

Mr. Yin up my Yang,

I talked to him for fifteen

minutes and I feel like I've known him my whole life.

I'll be happy if he likes to

kiss.

He's probably a freak.

When he's around, my heart

beats like a trailer park house.

That is so gay. And I mean all

three definitions.

So what are you doing? Eating

out?

Richard's having a b-b-q for

staff in the music department.

And then...?

I dunno,

but try not be here, okay?

Oh, and then you're eating

out.

What if he tries to grab me?

We're not pirates, we just

dress like them... and chase booty.

He'll be just as nervous as

you. So try not to punch him if he makes a move on you or anything.

I don't think I'd punch him. i

think I'd probably just start crying or something.

Aww. You got fagitude.

Well, how do I know if he

wants to do it, is there like a code word or something?

You mean like homolingo? We

talk normally... in English.

I'm a failed role-model.

Do I look gay?

Like an insatiable bottom.

Why did you say that?

Just to f*** with you. it's for

you, Blowmeo.

Hello?

it's me.

HI Tiffani! I was just running

out the door, but- HI Tiffani!

So, I ran into Max today.

How is Max?

Well, he's fine and you're gay.

Oh, that's just-

it explains an awful lot.

I thought maybe I wasn't

attractive enough. But now I see where I stand.

I thought maybe, you know, i

could win you back to ourteam.

Sorry Tiffani, I'm gay now.

How could you do this to me?

Well actually, I think you did it

to me.

I think you turned me gay.

I did not turn you gay! How

can you say that?!

I mean don't take it

personally.

I am a person! How else am i

supposed to take it?

Bastard! uhhhhhh.

Fag! Fag! Fag! Fag!

it's funny, I used to have-

had a friend in this same building.

I'll be like five minutes, okay?

Please, Siegfried and Roy

couldn't tame your hair.

uh, it's OK.

Gwen can keep you company.

I'm used to entertaining your

tricks.

Okay, mute!

She's kidding. I haven't had a

trick in like so long. I mean-

Tricks are for kids.

I mean, I've had dates, it's

just-

Go powder your nose, babe.

The powder that goes on your nose.

Hello, and welcome to the

Gwen Anderson show.

Mind if I couch with you?

Sure.

So, what's your majorette?

Poli-sci.

Oo! Brainy smurf.

I'm not very good at it

though.

Honest. I like you.

Thanks.

Did you bring condoms?

um.

I'm kidding. Relax. You look so

tense.

How's that?

it's nice.

When you guys get home

try not to make too much noise.

I have to tutor in the

morning.

I don't think you need to

worry about-

Kidding again. I don't tutor.

Make all the noise you want.

This girl upstairs has all

makes them pretend to rape her.

She screams and throws

things. it really freaked me out.

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