Eating Out Page #5

feel.

I'm trying to fix things here.

Okay?

You're doing a Fabio job so

far.

Just say you'll come to

dinner.

Okay?

Fine!

I'll be there with balls on.

You're not planning on

cooking, are you?

Well, I wasn't gonna ask, but

since you brought it up.

Fine! I'll cook.

I'm not that stupid.

I do know.

if I were gay. Even a little.

it'd be you.

Alright, I won't go.

He wants you to. it's like he's

Tell him I have consumption.

I shouldn'ta done that last

night.

it was hot.

it was f***ed up.

You should've seen him,

he flew out of here like a

seminal Meatloaf album.

He seemed to like it on the

phone.

That's what's so f***ed up

about it.

Are you jealous?

No.

You're jealous!

I am not.

This is so great!

it's finally the otherway

around.

Do you know how many boys

just to get to you?

Shut up.

You're scared I could convert

him.

Maybe I just will.

I need to practice.

I'll take that

as a challenge.

I can't hear you, babe.

I know something you don't

know.

What the hell are you

making?

Sausages.

Big fat sausages.

Dude, people don't eat

sausages.

You're supposed to make

spaghettI or some sh*t.

Fine, you wanna cook?

No. I mean.

I never seen you make

sausages.

Well I'm trying something

new.

You're making too much.

I invited some over friends

too. Go get the door.

This isn't a kegger, bro. This

Who'd you invite?

Like they said to Anne Frank:

the door and find out?

Oh, it's you guys.

I brought this for you.

Cool. it's yellow.

And some wine.

Awesome. All we got is beer.

Cool.

This is the part where you

invite us in.

Oh geeze, come in. Kyle's in

the kitchen.

Honey, this is how you do it.

Ha. Ha.

Funny. I get it.

So. Caleb. Marc thinks...

Hello Gwen.

Marc.

Did You offerthem

beverages?

Oh! Yeah, you guys want

some?

I'll pour us some drinks.

You show me where the

glasses are.

So, what do you think?

Oh.

I think.

I think you're a really nice

guy.

That's all.

Thanks.

I gotta go to the head.

We need to talk.

Dude!

I wasn't being honest.

I gotta talk about it now, or i

wont-

I'm takin' a leak.

Please, I've seen it.

How you doin'?

My god. What are those?

Dinner.

is this some kind of ethnic

thing?

Marc,

I think you're really cool...

But?

But...

is there something with you

and Kyle?

No. it's definitely not that.

Oh sh*t.

Don't say anything, okay?

What's wrong.

HI Mom. Dad. Jamie.

Oh. This is Marc.

Marc, my family. I was just

flusher-thing. it was broken.

The bobbing thing. it has to

stay on top.

it's called a ballcock.

Well.

Nice to meet you, Marc.

Are you gay?

That's rude.

Oh please. I don't mind.

Kyle, I think you need my help

in the kitchen.

Be right back.

I'm gonna circumcise your

neck.

I know this looks f***ed up.

You're gonna look f***ed up.

We can't do it yourway. We

can't just tell them.

They won't give either of us

I have just as much at stake here.

Kyle, those are my f***ing

parents.

This my life, you know. My

real life.

Calm down. Trust me, okay?

Gwen? Marc? Come in for a

sec?

Well.

That's us.

Okay, what's the Kim Deal?

Caleb's not out to his

parents, yet.

No sh*t.

Of course they don't know.

Should we leave?

No, that'd look too weird.

No, I got it worked out.

Gwen,

just pretend you're here with

Caleb.

And Marc can be, uh, my

date.

What?

ust for dinner.

Then they leave and we're

back to normal-

Everything cool in there

dudes?

Very cool Mrs. Peterson!

Now you

sit next to Caleb.

And Marc,

with moi.

Oh! I get it.

Well if you need anything!

Let's go meet Mr. and Mrs.

Roper.

Peterson.

Those were very interesting

sausages, Kyle.

What flavor exactly is white

jello?

Well it's just the way the-

You know what it iooks like, it

looks like-

So when did you meet this

lovely young lady?

At a party last week.

Right afterthe Tiffani

ordeal?

Who's Tiffani?

''Beard.''

You never mentioned Tiffani.

TiffanI was a b*tch.

I liked her.

She was cute.

How did you meet, was it

across a crowded room?

Well, she was screaming, and

I saw her.

Screaming?

I was so surprised he wasn't

gay.

You must get that all the

time, hon.

I mean living with Kyle...

and your haircut.

So, Marc, when did you meet

Kyle?

I hope we're not being too

personal,

but Kyle's like a second son

to us.

Or daughter.

it's a small world young

lady...

...I know, celebrate our

diversity.

We met at the same party.

What's this music?

it's really good.

I don't know, it's Kyle's sh*t.

Oh.

Who is this, Kyle?

it's mine.

But it's just my old stuff.

My new stuff's better.

Kyle's a composer.

Didn't he mention it?

uh, no. He hasn't mentioned

much.

sn't his work just beautiful?

Yeah, it's nice.

You in the music school?

Yeah.

I never noticed you around.

You're classical, I'm jazz.

You know how they are.

Yeah.

This is really good.

it's always nice to know

what's going in your lives, boys,

but isn't it a little early to be

meeting the parents?

I mean, you hardly seem to

know each other.

I just thought this would be

nice. All of us together.

One big family.

Betterthan Springer.

is there something you want

to tell us?

We're here for you, son.

Just wanted to have dinner.

No interior motive.

ulterior.

I knew that.

Sh*t. Now who?

I didn't invite anyone else.

Honest.

I hear you have phone

trouble, Miss Thing.

That's Mister Miss Thing to

you.

Tiffani?

You little hose huffer!

Why don't you come join us?

Gomez, Morticia and little

Wednesday.

I'm sure this is awkward for

Gwen.

I don't mind, I wanna see this.

You know,

you guys seem really nice.

Oh my God, Gwen, don't.

Caleb, honey, I'm gonna do

you a really big favor.

Oh sh*t.

You'll hate me now, but you'll

love me later.

Gwen, please.

Sh*t.

Mr. and Mrs. Peterson,

your son is gay.

Fag. You're it.

I turned him gay. I can turn

him back!

Please with that word!

Caleb and Marc are

boyfriends

and I'm just Marc's

roommate.

You're a reality show without

a camera crew.

We're not boyfriends yet,

we've been on one date.

I told you.

Son.

How did we manifest our

homophobia?

it must have been horrible

living with us.

Straight this, straight that.

I'm sorry. You needed all of

this to face us.

I'll calling Tammy at PFLOG

first thing.

We'll go to meetings.

Jamie, hon, is there

something you wanted to tell us?

Well, I don't think I'm a lesbo.

I experimented once.

Son,

give me a hug.

Caleb.

Hug your father.

You are still my son and l love

you.

This is so beautiful.

Barf. You should see them on

anniversaries.

I love you, Caleb.

I love you too, Mom.

I love you, Dad.

C'mon, family hug.

Love ya gay bro.

Come on,

I said family hug. You're all

family here.

Well, come on!

Oh, what the f***!

But, I'm mad.

I am so proud of you son.

You take good care of my

boy.

Yes sir, Mr. Peterson.

I bet he will.

I bet he will too.

No offense Kyle, next time

we're eating out.

C'mon hon, let's go.

Do you think I'm stupid?

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