Eating Raoul Page #7

- Yeah. Go ahead.

You have been very wicked,

and you are in terrible danger.

So is everybody who eats here.

You have been earning money

from an evil undertaking...

...and if you keep it up,

you will burn for all eternity in hell!

Hey, Sister, I'm in hell right now.

That money's gonna help

get me out.

That money is gonna bring

a curse down on you!

You'll have more bad luck

than you ever dreamed possible!

Not religious?

When we're through, he'll be happy

to clean latrines at a leper colony.

Unleash the border patrol.

Mr. Raoul Mendoza?

Maybe.

I'm with the Immigration Department.

May I see your green card, please?

I'll see you later, man.

Green card? What are you

talking about? I'm no wetback!

According to our information,

your birth certificate is a forgery.

- You got the wrong Mendoza, baby.

- Sure, all you vatos say that.

You don't scare me. This is all talk.

Oh, yeah? Well, you better get

while the getting's good!

Tomorrow I'll have enough on you...

...to drop-kick your ass

back over the Rio Grande!

Nervous and flustered?

He's not getting on the next plane

for Mexico City?

Okay, we better escalate to plan C.

- Who is it?

- Health inspector.

Hi. Mr. Raoul Mendoza?

I'm Sally Cummings

from the L.A. Health Department...

...and I've been sent by the city...

...to warn everyone

on your socioeconomic level...

...about an epidemic of a new kind

of venereal disease.

Lady, don't worry about me.

I'm clean.

Of course you are.

Just look on this as a free checkup.

You want me to strip?

No, just open your mouth.

Okay.

Fine. Now...

...breathe deeply.

Have you had any headaches,

earaches or persistent sores?

Only when I skip foreplay.

Very funny!

Now, let me see your eyes.

You've got it! But don't worry.

It can be controlled.

Here, just take two of these each time

you have sexual relations.

- Before or after?

- Before.

You better give me

about five of these.

I'm a guy who likes to party,

you know?

Make sure you take those.

Otherwise, we can't be responsible

for the consequences.

You wouldn't want to end up

like this.

What's wrong?

- I better take some more of these pills.

- What pills?

Oh, you know...

...they're like vitamins.

- Damn, I can't get the top off.

- Here, let me.

- You'd better give me two of them.

- Who gave these to you?

A nurse. Why?

They don't look like vitamins.

Saltpeter. They give these to kids

so they don't play with themselves.

If you wanna force me

to make love to you...

...you better not take any more.

- Son of a b*tch!

- Your husband did this!

- Did what?

He's fixed it so I can't

make love to you!

- Scalpel?

- Scalpel.

- Suture?

- Suture.

Frying pan?

Well, there's one consideration.

If you'd done what he'd asked,

he would have died anyway.

The funny thing is,

is that he is a real doctor.

I recognize him from the hospital.

What a world.

Hello? James. Nice of you to call.

Yes, of course we're

still interested in the house.

They have.

Oh, they are?

No, we'll just see what we can do.

Okay. Thank you, James.

Bye.

Don't tell me, there's been

another offer on our house?

We have to come up

with $25,000 by Friday...

...or another couple will turn it into

a clinic for rich, fat people.

Nobody's getting that house but us.

We'll have to speed up production.

Speed up production?

What about

that ritzy swingers party...

...Doris is going to tonight?

- With the hot tub.

Hi, swingers! I'm Howard Swine, your

horny host that's hung with the most!

Though I hate to boast, I'm big

as a post and warm as toast!

Cool it, Howard.

Those are the things

he couldn't say on radio...

...so now he's making up

for lost time, constantly.

- I'm so glad you decided to come.

- I come whether I decide to or not.

Great, Howard.

Why don't you go now?

Hey, you can't fluff me off like that.

I'm your host. Your horny host

that's hung with the most.

Though I hate to boast, I'm

as big as a post and warm as toast!

I knew this party would be

full of a**holes.

It's Doris!

Beat me, Doris!

Whip me! Make me write bad checks!

Scum! You better beg for mercy.

- Give him hell!

- Harder! Harder!

All these bozos have to pretend like

it's all a joke in front of their friends.

But half of them will look me up

for real next week.

He'll be back for more.

Happy hunting.

Go, go, go, go, go!

- To fine food.

- And great wine.

- Mountain Brook!

- Just be honest with me.

- Okay, you're a creep.

- All right, let me rephrase that.

Hi, my name is Susan.

What's yours?

I'm Paul, and this is my wife, Mary.

Oh, I'm very pleased to make

your acquaintance.

I was just saying to my husband,

Moose, over there...

...you're a highly unusual-looking

couple.

We were wondering if you'd like to

get together with us and have fun?

What did you have in mind?

Oh, gee, we're up for

about anything!

You see, we're both bi,

so we can go either way.

But, actually, we do like straight sex.

Moose is into voyeurism,

and I'm into exhibitionism.

We like B & D, but we don't like

S & M. We met at the A&P.

But we don't like labels.

Speaking of labels, that's

a marvelous outfit you have on.

Did you get it at Saks?

Saks?

Oh, no. I got the whole thing

at Penney's.

Very nice of you to ask us,

but we're actually into Saint Bernards.

Oh, really?

Well, see you around.

- Moose, honey, they're into doggies.

- Dogs?

- They're at the right party!

- Look.

There are two Guccis

coming on to a Pierre Cardin.

- Let's go.

- Lf I'm gonna throw myself into this...

...I need a stiff drink.

Can I get you one?

- No, I'll check out the ladies' room.

- Meet you back here.

She was so fat, the whole thing tore

from the ceiling and almost killed me.

- Some basketjob!

- Yeah, well, you get what you pay for.

In Tijuana?

Mrs. Bland!

Fancy meeting you here.

Not so old-fashioned

as you pretended, after all.

- Excuse me, Mr. Leech.

- That little scene you played...

...in my office really turned me on.

I kept wondering what the passion

was like with the hair down...

...and the clothes off...

...and now I'm going

to find out for myself.

Where are the ludes?

Hold it up! Hold the b*tch up!

- Okay, you two. Mush!

- Good night, Doris.

- Paul.

- There you are.

- I was wondering what happened.

- We have to go now.

You aren't joining in the fun! Do you

have VD, or are you here as tourists?

- Neither.

- What is your scene anyway?

We invite swingers to our place

and murder them for their money.

Great, man!

Have you lost your mind?

Why did you say that?

Why not?

He's forgotten it already.

Paul, you're getting drunk.

I just killed Mr. Leech.

You know, Mr. Leech from the bank.

Yeah? I just stepped on

Mr. Snail from the garden.

No, I'm not joking.

He came on to me in the bathroom...

...and I killed him with a rattail comb.

- Sounds messy.

- Did he have a lot on him?

- I couldn't get it.

I had to throw him out the window.

- He's here.

- Is that him?

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