Ed Wood Page #30

Ed grins back. A moment.

CUT TO:

INT. ED'S HOUSE - DAY

Ed is on the telephone. We SPLIT-SCREEN with Vampira.

ED (on phone)

Vampira! Hi, it's Ed Wood.

VAMPIRA (on phone)

Ed, I told you, I don't wanna go out!

ED:

No, don't worry, I moved on. I was

just calling to see if you want to

attend the world premiere of my new

film, "Bride Of The Monster."

VAMPIRA:

(confused)

Didn't you just make one called

"Bride Of The Atom"?

ED:

It's the same film. But the

distributor wanted a punchier title.

C'mon! It's gonna be a big event --

we're going all out! Bela, Tor, and

Cris are coming. You'll have fun!

Vampira rolls her eyes.

CUT TO:

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

Hundreds of KIDS and TEENAGERS enter a dilapidated second-run

theater. A banner says "'Bride Of The Monster' World Premiere!

Celebrities In Person!"

EXT. DARK CITY STREET - SAME TIME

An antique limousine HEARSE drives down a dingy street.

INT. HEARSE

Ed drives. Tor, ill Bela, Vampira, and Criswell are crammed in

with him, along with bewildered Kathy.

Everyone is dressed in gaudy "scary" outfits. Tor wears his

frightening WHITE CONTACT LENSES.

TOR:

My eyes are killink me.

ED:

Don't worry. We're almost there.

BELA:

(still hoarse)

Eddie, where are we? We passed that

carwash twenty minutes ago.

CRISWELL:

I predict we're lost.

VAMPIRA:

(to Bela)

Hey! You wanna watch the hands??

Bela sheepishly removes his hand from her thigh.

BELA:

Sorry...

ED:

(he looks around, baffled)

Has anyone ever been to Downey?

INT. MOVIE THEATER - SAME TIME

The audience is so restless, they're practically rioting. They

CLAP AND CHANT angrily.

A fat patronizing MANAGER steps on stage.

THEATER MANAGER:

Children, if you don't calm down,

there won't be the entertainment.

ANGRY KID:

It was supposed to start an hour ago!

INT. HEARSE - SAME TIME

Tempers are flaring.

TOR:

My eyes are burnink.

KATHY:

Hey look! There's the theater.

TOR:

Where? I can't see nothink!

EXT. THEATER - SAME TIME

The hearse pulls up. A FRANTIC USHER runs over.

FRANTIC USHER:

Thank God, you're here! They're

tearing the place apart!

The gang awkwardly steps out of the hearse. Tor gets out and

blindly walks straight into a lamp post. WHACK! He yelps.

TOR:

Ow.

Bela moves slowly, very feeble. Vampira smooths out her slinky

black dress, then puts her arm around Bela to help him.

FRANTIC USHER:

C'mon! This way!

INT. THEATER - SAME TIME

Criswell points Tor in the right direction, and the group

stumbles in. Ed escorts excited Kathy.

KATHY:

I've never been to a premiere before.

The Usher opens the auditorium doors.

INSIDE:

It's PANDEMONIUM. People are screaming and shouting. Kids jump

up and down, on top of the chairs.

Bela, Tor, Vaspira, and Criswell are alarmed.

The lights dim on and off. Scratchy SPOOKY MUSIC blasts over

the sound system.

ED:

Wow. Go knock 'em dead!

Criswell pushes blind Tor towards the stage. Tor sticks out

his arms and scarily staggers down the aisle. Criswell

nervously follows. Vampira escorts Bela.

The crowd BOOS. They pelt our gang with popcorn.

Tor GROWLS like a monster. Kids LAUGH and jeer.

ON ED AND KATHY:

In back, Ed speaks in a frightening manner into a MICROPHONE:

ED (amplified)

Ooooo! At the stroke of midnight,

the witching hour, the ghouls arise

from the dead!

DOWN THE AISLE:

Tor slips in some butter. He tumbles and falls.

A WOMAN'S VOICE cackles.

WOMAN'S VOICE

It's the blind leading the blind!

Tor staggers to his feet. All disoriented, he starts walking

the wrong direction and falls over a chair. People HECKLE.

Criswell quickly helps his up.

TOR:

Dis is a nightmare.

CRISWELL:

It's show biz.

Criswell pushes Tor in the right direction. Some roughnecks

knock down Criswell and snatch his wallet.

A MEAN BOY jumps on his chair, ripping the stuffing out of the

seat. He throws the fibers in the air, and they float over

Bela and Vampira.

BELA:

What is that?

VAMPIRA:

I think they're getting ready to burn

this place down.

A HIGH SCHOOL PUNK runs up and grabs Vampira's breasts.

HIGH SCHOOL PUNK

Hey Vampira, how 'bout a little love?

VAMPIRA:

F*** off!

She impulsively swings her arm and SLAMS the kid.

ON STAGE:

The Manager pleads to the mob.

THEATER MANAGER:

Children, please! Be calm!

Somebody throws a bottle and HITS him in the head. He goes

down.

WIDE:

The lights suddenly go off. Some girls SCREAM.

Ed's panicked. He grabs Kathy and runs down to his friends.

ED:

C'mon! We're getting the hell out

of here!

Ed rounds up Bela, Tor, Criswell, and Vampira.

The crowd BOOS louder. Blind Tor is totally confused.

TOR:

What is happening?

ED:

We're escaping!

The group runs up the aisle and leaves. As the doors close,

"Bride Of The Monster" starts unspooling on the screen.

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