Eddie Page #2

He has no assists because

he won't pass the ball.

- You've inherited a mess.

Is there anything else I can tell you?

- Yes, a lot more.

But I'm afraid I don't have the time.

Thanks for the advice.

- Let me give you a little somethin'.

- Oh, no, really--

Come on. I've always heard New Yorkers

weren't kind people.

- You've been very kind.

- Gee, Ben looks good.

It's been so long since I've seen him.

Thank you.

[ Phone Rings, Machine Picks Up ]

[ Eddie On Machine ]

Okay, it's an easy one today.

He was N.B.A. Rookie of the Year

in 1968.

- What was Earl Monroe's nickname?

- [ Machine Beeps ]

[ Woman ]

Eddie, it's me. Pick up.

Eddie?

Okay, listen, sweetheart,

I don't know if you noticed...

but men go to basketball games

so, Eddie, please,

please wear something sexy.

By the way, thank God you put

an easy question on your machine...

'cause I met this cute guy

and I gave him your number.

- See you tonight. Bye. [ Dial Tone ]

- Hello?

Ah. Goddamn it.

Oh, I wish you'd stop

giving out my phone number, Claudine.

How many consecutive games

did Dolph Schayes play when

he was with the Syracuse Nets?

- Answer that, and magic can happen.

- [ Beeps ]

Right.

Ah! What's a "goil" to wear?

[ Chuckles ]

Monroe.

I know you're comfortable and I'm glad,

but what are you doing to me, huh?

Do you know how long it takes me

to get this gorgeous? Two hours!

You take ten seconds to throw on

a jersey, you look like a bag lady.

As opposed to a $50 hooker?

Hello!

Eddie, please.

A hundred dollars at least, huh?

- Excuse me.

- Hey, Odell.

- Hello, beautiful. How are you tonight?

- Good. They warming up?

- Leave him alone, please.

- What? He's cute.

"He's cu--"

Everybody is cute to you.

I don't understand why every time we

come to a basketball game you dress up.

[ Marv Albert ]

We'll see whether the Knicks...

at home tonight with new owner

Bill Burgess attending his first game...

can beat the Los Angeles Lakers...

who are on a six-game

winning streak.

- What about Van Exel?

- Play him tight.

- But Vlade's the problem.

Always has been.

- No, no, no, no.

You double up on Van Exel...

and play Vlade with Ivan, or "Ee-van"

or whatever, tight, man-to-man--

Oh, uh, Coach Bailey, I wonder

if I could have a moment, sir.

- Well, of course you can.

It's your team now.

- No, sir, it's our team.

Listen, I was watchin'

the game on TV last night.

Our boys are movin' awful slow,

don't you think?

Why don't you fire 'em up a bit?

Give the folks a good show.

Hmm?

- Look, um, Mr. Burgess--

- Oh, Bill, Bill.

You can call me Bill.

Mr. Burgess, I am the head coach

of the New York Knicks.

Now, if you're looking

for a cheerleader...

those are the girls that run around

in those short little skirts.

[ P.A. Announcer, Indistinct ]

- Look, there's Bailey right there.

- Eddie, wait.

Bailey!

- Bailey!

- [ Man ] Yo, Eddie!

You gonna try something new tonight,

like tryin' to coach?

[ Laughs ] It is the N.B.A., buddy:

"No Buttheads Allowed."

- But you keep comin' back.

I don't understand it.

- [ Fans Laughing ]

You looking good, though, babe.

Don't look at me like that.

You see that sign

that says "John 3:16"?

That is not

a biblical quote, baby.

That's your sorry road record,

'cause you the anticoach!

[ Eddie, Fans Laughing ]

All right, hey, let's go.

Do your job and get her out of here.

- Come on.

- Okay, ladies, please.

- Do you have "666" on your head?

- Yeah, yeah. Bye-bye.

Come back again when you can afford

a seat back here.

- As soon as you start winnin',

I'll be back.

- So long!

Hey, Zimmer! Get a life! Get a face!

Get a new coat! You suck!

- [ Fans Booing ]

- [ P.A. Announcer ]

Ladies and gentlemen...

the starting lineup

for the Los Angeles Lakers.

At forward, six feet, nine inches,

Anthony "Pig" Miller.

- Boo!

- [ Fans Continue Booing ]

- Why do they call him "Pig"?

- 'Cause he's not kosher.

- [ Claudine Laughs ]

- At center, seven feet-one, Vlade Divac.

At guard, six feet, one inch,

Nick Van Exel.

- [ Claudine ] Don't start on my chest.

- That chest got us thrown out.

Your mouth got us thrown out. The chest

almost kept us in the good seats.

You know what pisses me off?

I hate people that buy those

$8,000 seats, then don't come

'til we start winning.

[ P.A. Announcer ]

Introducing the starting lineup

for your New York Knicks!

Hey, here we go!

From the Republic of Georgia, and I

don't mean Atlanta, Ivan Radovadovitch!

[ Cheering ]

Whoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

Let's go!

At six feet, eight inches,

Stacy Patton!

At six feet, two inches tall,

"Preacher Man" Taylor!

- [ Coughs ]

- You all right?

Yeah, I'm good. I love this climb.

It's good for my thighs.

- Cool.

- [ Coughs ]

Let me tell you something, man.

The Knicks do not stink.

They're just a man short.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clark Kent.

- That's your comeback line?

- Get a life!

- Don't start with her.

She's had a bad day.

You couldn't be funny

if your life depended on it.

One phone call to Staten Island--

ba-da-bing! Know what I'm talkin' about?

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome your new Knicks City Dancers!

- [ Fanfare ]

- [ Dancers ] Whoo!

[ Continues ]

- Hey, Eddie.

- Hey, girls.

Claudine.

Wiener?

- I'd rather be dead.

- [ Laughter ]

Nice dress you're almost wearing.

- Whoo!

- Eric, Keith.

Hey, what's up?

They switched seats.

- We thought it might help.

- Couldn't hurt.

[ Continues ]

[ P.A. Announcer ]

New York, there's a new sheriff in town.

Say hello to

Wild Bill Burgess!

[ Dancers Shouting, Indistinct ]

Look at his shoes!

Howdy.

- "Howdy"?

- "Howdy"?

- [ Laughing ]

- Howdy, my ass. "Howdy"?

- Let me hear you say "Howdy!"

- [ Scattered Responses ]

Now, folks,

I want you all to know...

that we're gonna give you

a big-time N.B.A. show every night.

- [ Man ] Right!

- [ Fans Applauding ]

All right, now let's get

the Wild Bill era off with a bang!

[ Fans Shouting, Hooting ]

Whoa!

[ Fans Gasping, Cheering ]

[ Applause Continues ]

That was Walt Frazier's jersey!

That's Walt Frazier's jersey!

Hey! Yo!

That's my jersey!

[ Fans Gasping, Shouting ]

And that's just the beginning, folks!

We got more surprises for ya!

Don't forget the honorary coach contest

at halftime!

Let's play some basketball!

- [ Cheering Continues ]

- [ Band Resumes ]

[ Marv Albert ]

Say good-bye to tradition.

Wild Bill Burgess has just torched

Walt Frazier's jersey.

A freak show.

He's gonna turn it

into a freak show.

Come on, you guys.

Let's go.

Let's remember we got a game

we wanna win. Where's Taylor?

- He's praying.

- Tell him to pray over here.

Darren! Amen!

Come on!

Hastings! Wake up!

If you're open, take the jumper!

If not, look down low for Ivan!

- Ivan.

- Whatever.

- Ivan make basket.

- Good. Yes.

- Whoa, whoa.

If Stacy Patton don't shoot,

Stacy Patton don't play.

Quit referring to yourself in the

third person and pay attention, a**hole.

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