Eddie Murphy Raw

Show me that little dance

you-all be doing.

- I told y'all to stop running in here.

- Yes, ma'am.

I'm gonna smack one

of you now, you hear?

Them pants cost $3.98,

baby, you hear?

See that chocolate cake

I bought?

The chocolate cake

that was on the counter?

- Yeah.

- Well, check Cousin Cecil's pockets.

He probably got it in there with the

turkey leg and the sweet potato pie.

Hey, little brother. Show me that

little dance y'all be doing.

Get down, Lester, you is talking!

You move like you're 21 .

That dance ain't new. lt ain't nothing

but the old shuffle-butt.

Well, show me that move.

Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down.

Can't you see the kids

are trying to put a show on there?

Lester, she ain't your mama.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Junior!

Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa.

Come on, baby.

Sing a song for Grandma.

- That's my granddaughter.

- That's my niece.

Why do fools fall in love?

Why do birds sing so gay?

And lovers await the break of day.

Why do they fall in love?

Why does the rain

fall from up above?

Why do fools fall in love?

Why do they fall in love?

Mama, I got a joke.

Little Eddie got a joke to tell.

Go on, Eddie.

Eddie. Eddie.

I got a joke to tell.

Once there was a lion

and a monkey.

The monkey said,

"I can make the weather change."

And the lion said,

"No, you can't."

So the monkey started

climbing up the tree.

And then he started peeing

on the lion's head.

"Now it's raining!"

Then he started farting.

"Now there's thunder!"

Then he started doo-dooing.

"Now it's snowing!"

So the lion said, "Oh, yeah?

Well, I can make the stars come out."

And then he kicked him

in the ding-ding.

Thank you.

I love that doo-doo line.

That boy's got talent.

My favorite movie is Trading Places.

- 48 Hrs. Has to be.

- Trading Places.

- Beverly Hills Cop.

- Delirious.

- Beverly Hills Cop.

- No, 48 Hrs.

- All of them.

- 48 Hrs.

- All of them.

- 48 Hrs.

I even liked Best Defense.

I'm looking forward to seeing

him in that leather suit.

- I'm telling you, that behind and all.

- Yeah, he's looking sexy.

- He looks good.

- Handsome.

Thank you.

Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit.

Cool out.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you, thank you.

And hello, New York City!

Thank you for coming out.

Don't let the lights and cameras

throw y'all.

We filming a movie here tonight

and y'all gonna be in this sh*t.

Except only I'm getting paid

for the motherf***er.

Every now and then

I take a joke too far.

That's why I haven't been

on the road the last three years.

Did y'all see Delirious?

ln Delirious, I was making fun

out of a lot of entertainers too.

That's when I got scared.

I did some jokes about Mr. T.

And Mr. T was gonna f*** Ed up.

He was...

And I was scared,

because y'all seen Mr. T.

He don't look like, you know,

like he can't fight.

He looks like he can

whip some ass, right?

And I was petrified. I would walk

at parties and people say:

"Yo, man, Mr. T was just here

looking for you."

He was walking up

to people saying:

"I'm gonna whip Eddie Murphy's ass

when I see him."

Then I watched his show,

because I didn't know him,

to see what kind of guy he was,

and the character on the show

ain't too bright.

So I figured if he came up to me,

I could use the Jedi mind trick on him.

Mr. T walk up and go, "I heard

you did some jokes about me."

"No, you didn't."

"Maybe I didn't."

"I'm gonna go beat up the fool

that told me them lies."

I'd be at parties,

hear he was looking for me,

I would just leave.

I don't wanna fight Mr. T.

Then I found out Michael Jackson

was looking for me. I was like...

When Mike...

My manager called me up and said:

"Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad."

I was like, "So?"

You know, because I'd f*** Mike up.

You know, Mike...

Mike don't weigh but a buck-oh-five,

you know.

I bust that ass on Mike. I was looking

for him, but my manager said:

"We don't know everything

about Michael.

"He might be this bad motherf***er

behind closed doors.

"He's a recluse. Behind closed doors,

he might be completely different."

And I'd be at a party and have

Michael walk up to me one day

and it'd be like this:

"Can I talk to you for a minute?

"Yeah, what's your motherfucking

problem, man?

"Well, how come you keep

f***ing with me then, huh?

"What's all the motherfucking jokes?

You don't like my clothes?

"I'm Michael-motherfucking-Jackson,

I will bust your ass.

"Get the f*** out, motherf***er...

"I will moonwalk all up and down

your ass, motherf***er.

"You mind your

motherfucking business.

"I hear some more sh*t,

I'm gonna put this glove up your ass.

"I'll see you later."

That's a dumb...

I could never...

I've been trying for five months

to do the moonwalk

and I can't do the sh*t. lt's shitty.

lt's the dumbest dance ever,

because I can't do it,

that's why I say it's stupid.

But how can you do the moonwalk

and ask a woman to dance?

Be at a party, say, "Hey, baby,

come on, let's dance. See you later."

Do the moonwalk. That's some stupid

sh*t. Michael can do that sh*t, though.

Michael's so famous,

Michael went on TV and everything

he says, the public believes.

Went on television and said:

"I don't have sex because

of my religious beliefs."

And the public believed it.

I know brothers were like,

"Get the f*** out of here."

And white people go, "That Michael's

a special kind of guy.

"He's special. I mean, he's good,

clean and wholesome."

You know how I knew y'all believed it?

Y'all didn't get mad when he took

Brooke Shields to the Grammys.

Nobody white said sh*t.

And Brooke Shields

is the whitest woman in America.

Miss America every year is Brooke.

F*** who you see with the crown.

You look up "white woman"

in the dictionary,

be a picture of Brooke like this:

She's white.

And this n*gger took her

to the Grammys, nobody said sh*t.

lf I took Brooke Shields

to the Grammys,

y'all would lose your mind.

Because y'all know Brooke

would get f***ed that night.

And Brooke knew too.

That's why we going this year.

No...

Stop. Now, see?

I did jokes about...

I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals

a couple years ago

and faggots were mad.

They were like...

And they were... There's nothing like

having a nation of fags looking for you.

I'd be at parties... There's always

two or three at a party.

They'd be standing around looking

at you, they'd be looking at...

"He's an a**hole."

I can't travel the country

freely no more.

I can't go to San Francisco.

They got 24-hour homo watch

waiting for me in the airport.

Soon as I got off the plane,

they'd be like:

"He's here, yes. Yes, it's him.

Yes, it's him!"

And the cars would come rushing

across town. lt'd be:

And it won't be no siren, it'll be

a real fag sitting on the roof going:

"Pull over. Pull over.

"Pull over.

I'm gonna read him his rights.

"You have the right to remain silent.

"Anything you say can and will

be held against you.

"You have the right to an attorney.

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