Eddie Murphy Raw Page #2

Turn around. I'm gonna frisk you.

"You carrying any concealed

weapons?

"Are you carrying...?

What is this? What is this?

"Lay down on the floor

and spread them."

- Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show?

- Yeah!

I do too.

I love Bill Cosby's show.

I been a big fan of Bill Cosby

all my life.

Never met the man before,

but he called me up about a year ago

and chastised me on the phone

for being too dirty on-stage.

lt was real weird,

because I had never met him

and he just thought it was... He should

call me up, because he was Bill,

and tell me that he did...

About what comedy is all about.

And I sat and listened

to this man chastise me.

And when Bill Cosby chastises you,

you forget you grown.

You feel like one of

the Cosby kids and sh*t.

And I ran in the house

all excited to talk to Bill

and picked up the telephone

and Bill got raw on me.

I was like, "Hello, Mr. Cosby?"

And you hear:

"I would like to talk to you...

"...about some of the things

that you do in your show.

"Now, I'm going to tell you a story."

He always tells you stories.

"I would like to tell you a story.

I have five children.

"One, two, three, four, five.

Five... Five children.

"I live in Massachusetts with my wife,

Camille, and my five children.

"Now, of the five children that we have,

there are four girls and a boy.

"The boy's name is Ennis.

He loves everything you do.

"Comes home from school

the other day

"with a big smile on his face.

And my son looks just like me.

"He walks through the door,

looking at me with this big smile,

"and I cannot resist, because

it's such a beautiful smile.

"And he walks up and I say,

'What are you smiling about?'

"And the child says to me:

'I'm smiling because I need money

to go see the Eddie Murphy show.

'Please give me money for a ticket.'

"Now, if the child is smiling this way

because he needs money for a ticket,

"I have to give him money

for a ticket.

"I do not handle the money

in the house.

"My wife, Camille,

handles the ticket money.

"So I must go into the kitchen,

"to where my wife is cooking dinner

for the family.

"And she is inside

the kitchen cooking.

"And she's got a bowl.

"And she's cooking up the food, man.

She's cooking it up.

"And the child walks in the room

with the smile

"and he says,

'Mother, please, money.'

"She gives him the money,

he runs off to see your show.

"Now, we sit in the living room

waiting for Ennis to return.

"At about 5:
00 in the morning,

the child comes through the door.

"He has a different look on his face.

"A look like he heard something at your

show that he's never heard before.

"And I say to my child,

I say, 'Child...'

"I say, 'What did the man say

on the stage?'

"And he says, 'Pop, the man

comes out and says these things.'

"I say, 'Well, what did he say?'

'Pop, he comes out

and says some stuff.'

"I say, 'What did he do?'

'Pop, he walks out and he goes:

"Hello, suck this, and MF

and kiss my big black stuff.

"And suck it and stick it down

in your mouth and suck it, suck it."'

"You cannot say filth, flarn, filth,

flarn, filth in front of people."

And I say, "I never said

no 'filth, flarn, filth'."

"You know what I'm talking about.

"I can't use the type of language

that you use,

"but you know what I mean when

I say 'filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth'."

I say, "I never said 'filth, flarn, filth'.

"I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm offended you called. F*** you."

That's when Bill got pissed and said:

"That's what I'm talking about.

You cannot say 'f***'...

"...in front of people."

And I got mad.

Because he thought

that was my whole act.

Like I just walked out on-stage

and cursed and left.

I manage to stick in some

jokes between the curses.

You couldn't give no curse show.

Walk out, say, "Hey, Felt Forum,

"motherf***er, dick, p*ssy,

snot and sh*t. Good night.

"Good night. Suck my dick.

Bye-bye."

I was pissed off. I was so mad

I called Richard Pryor's house up.

I said, "Yo, Richard,

Bill Cosby just called me up

"and told me I was too dirty."

Richard said:

"The next time motherf***er call,

tell him I said, 'Suck my dick.'

"I don't give a f***.

"Whatever the f*** make

the people laugh, say that sh*t."

He said, "Do people laugh

when you say what you say?"

I said, "Yes."

"Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes."

He said, "Well, tell Bill I said:

'Have a Coke and a smile

and shut the f*** up.'

"The Jell-O pudding-eating

motherf***er."

Richard... Richard is the rawest

motherf***er in show business.

Richard's the one that made me

wanna do comedy.

When I was little, I wanted to be

Richard Pryor so bad I used to...

Remember, you'd sneak in

the basement, put his albums on,

and your mother ain't

supposed to hear,

and you're listening to this sh*t

and I turned it...

I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used

to go out on-stage when I was 1 5

and talk and act and walk

and do everything like Richard.

My mother would sit there and watch

her 1 5-year-old son on-stage

saying some outlandish sh*t.

My whole act back then

was about taking a sh*t,

because that's all I had done at 1 5.

That was my life experience,

but it sounded like Pryor jokes.

I'd be going, "You ever, sometime,

right, you get on that toilet

"and when you sh*t,

that water splash up on your ass?

"Don't that make you mad, right?

You know what really make me mad?

"lt's when sh*t come

halfway out your ass,

"then go back up

in that motherf***er.

"Right? Why do sh*t be teasing

your ass, right?

"Just get the f*** out, right?

"You know what really bother me

"is when you be straining

for a long time, right?

"And one little pebble sh*t come out.

"Right? Be some sh*t this big, right?

"Push your head

up your a**hole, say:

'That's all the sh*t I'm gonna get,

motherf***er?'

"You know what really

make me mad,

"when your ass

don't cooperate with you

"and clench up

and break the sh*t in half.

"You be mad

as a motherf***er too,

"because you know

you got to wipe your ass

"for, like, five hours and sh*t, right?

"Use 1 2 rolls of toilet paper

on that motherf***er.

"You know what really make me mad,

though, is afterwards, right?

"You done all the shitting you

gonna do for the whole day, right?

"You finish shitting and you flush

the toilet and wait a second

"and one chunk come back.

"What does that chunk want?"

That was my act.

My mother sit there shocked.

lf you don't speak English,

you can't hear that bit.

All you hear is "sh*t, ass, sh*t, sh*t."

I got a lot of foreigners

that come over.

People from other countries have seen

my films and come over to the U.S.,

because New York

is a tourist place,

and they get HBO

and they catch Delirious

and they can't speak English

and try to do my act

and all they got is the curses.

I got foreigners from all over

walking up, going:

"Eddie Murphy! F*** you!

"F*** you, Eddie.

"I know you. I see you on television.

"You're the 'f*** you' man, right?

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