EDTV Page #11

ED:

What was the tip-off? The

enormous camera?

CUSTOMER:

Watch this.

The guy does Ed's "Happy Dance."

CUSTOMER (CONT'D)

See, like you.

ED:

Yeah. Keep up the good work.

Ed brushes by him. He sees a WOMAN passed out at a table.

ED (CONT'D)

Oh great.

He prepares to lift her.

MARCIA (O.C.)

Ed.

He turns and sees Marcia standing there.

MARCIA (CONT'D)

What are you doing?

ED:

Hm? I'm, uh... Why isn't this

drunken woman you?

He lets go of the woman.

Her head bounces on the table.

ED (CONT' D)

What's going on? Why did you

want me to come down here?

Marcia guides them into chairs.

MARCIA:

Cliff is here. He's performing.

I wanted you to see him.

For a second, Ed doesn't get it. Then.

ED:

Oh! Oh -- okay, now I get it.

It's "Star Search." You wanted

me here because the camera comes

with me.

MARCIA:

Ed, he needs a break. You don't

know what kind of bad luck he's

had --

ED:

I can imagine. You said you

wanted nothing to do with this.

You swore to me. "Don't come

near me. Don't bring this into

my life..."

MARCIA:

For God sakes, you said two words

about some lousy pizza joint, the

guy's a millionaire now. This

could be my whole future we're

talking about.

(to Shari)

Hi, I'm Ed's sister.

SHARI:

(politely)

I've heard so much about you.

112 INT. BAR - LATER

Cliff is in the middle of his show.

He's wearing a PORTABLE ORGAN. He's not great. He's a smalltime

professional with a lot of pep. Marcia is beaming. Ed's

cameras are shooting him.

CUTS OF Cliff, singing every type of song, imaginable. This

guy is desperately trying to cover all the bases -- i.e.

Sinatra-type standards, something from "Lion King", "Do Ya'

Think I'm Sexy," "Smokin' in the Boy's Room," "Hey, Hey, We're

the Monkees," the theme from "Hawaii Five-0," a rap number, and

"Ave Maria."

ANGLE ON ED AND SHARI

ED:

(sotto)

I wish my stepfather was here.

SHARI:

Why?

ED:

He could give me some oxygen.

113 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER

Ed and Shari are KISSING.

CUTAWAYS TO VIEWERS

TAD AND BARRY:

BARRY:

Oh boy! Here we go!

Ed is passionate.

JEANETTE AND AL:

JEANETTE:

(cringing)

Euuw...

RAY:

Fuming.

BACK TO ED AND SHARI

SHARI:

Um...

ED:

What?

She indicates the camera. Ed tries to allay her fears.

ED (CONT'D)

I told you. If we... you know

do it, they go away until ...

we're done.

SHARI:

I know, but even if they go away,

everybody in America knows what

we're doing because... they went

away.

ED:

So? What do they think -- we're

not kids --

SHARI:

(overlapping)

I know, I ...

ED:

(overlapping)

Shari, I really like you...

SHARI:

(overlapping)

I really like you too...

ED:

...if this ...

(the camera)

... weren't here... ?

SHARI:

... yeah, then, but...

CUTAWAYS:

ED:

So...?

SHARI:

Ed... I think we should stop

seeing each other.

The guys who said she wasn't hot.

They applaud.

THE DORM GIRLS:

They're booing Shari.

A BAR:

A very attractive woman (JILL) and her friend.

JILL:

That girl's an idiot.

BACK TO ED AND SHARI

ED:

What?... Why?

SHARI:

(starting to weep)

I can't take it anymore...

GUYS WHO DON'T THINK SHE'S HOT

They mock her, crying "Boo hoo hoo" and pretending to rub their

eyes.

BACK TO ED AND SHARI

SHARI:

(crying)

I have no privacy. Even now!

I'm crying and I can't stop and

they won't go away. And now it's

going to be another month!

ED:

Shari...

SHARI:

Everybody hates me!

ED:

No. Who?

SHARI:

Look at this.

She picks up a N.Y. POST.

SHARI (CONT'D)

Page three of the Post.

ED:

(knows what it is)

Ohh...

SHARI:

A poll. "Is Shari Good Enough

for Ed?" Seventy-one per cent

said "no."

(crying)

They hate me!

ED:

Who cares? I don't ca -- No. I

do care.

(to the camera)

Shame on everybody. Shame on

you! Well, just the seventy-one

percent. The other...

(he can't do the math)

SHARI:

Twenty-nine.

ED:

Exactly. Boy, you're smart.

(to the camera)

Why are you so mean to her? What

did she do to you?

(picks up newspaper)

"Is she good enough for Ed?" Who

the hell am I?

(sarcastically)

Who the hell do you think I

should be dating?

SHARI:

There's a list.

ED:

Really?

(he looks)

SHARI:

Ed?

He doesn't hear her. He's scanning the list.

ED:

Wow...

114 INT. DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW (OR SOMETHING)

Ed is a guest.

DAVE:

I'm out here an hour a night and

I feel like a dork. You're on

every minute! Doesn't it just

drive you nuts?

ED:

(cheerfully)

Yeah.

LAUGHS.

DAVE:

All this fame and the money

you're making. Is this going to

change you, do you think?

ED:

God, I hope so.

BIGGER LAUGHS.

115 INT. GREEN ROOM - LATER

It's after the show. Ed is getting ready to leave. John is

with him, keeping him company. A. P.A. is giving Ed a bag of

gifts. (Of course, Ed is still on Ed TV.)

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT

You've got a ham in there and

Dave's book and --

ED:

Hey, if it's free, it's me.

(to John)

You ready?

JOHN:

Yeah. You did good. What's

wrong?

ED:

Aah, I wanted Shari to come.

JOHN:

Oh -- so I'm just, what -- a poor

substitute?

He KISSES John.

ED:

(easily)

Yeah.

(to the camera)

Honey, if you're watching this is

for you.

JOHN:

No! Don't --

(new subject)

Oh, wow.

ED:

What?

ANGLE ON JILL IN THE HALLWAY (We met her earlier in a cutaway.)

She's saying good-bye to a CASTING ASSISTANT.

JOHN:

No more calls, we have a

winner.

Jill looks up, sees Ed and walks right up to him

JILL:

Hi.

ED:

Hi.

SECURITY steps forward.

ED (CONT'D)

It's all right.

They step back.

JILL:

I'm Jill. I really like your

show. I think you're great.

ED:

Thanks... That's ...

Shari, watching this on television.

JILL:

You must be John.

JOHN:

I'm trying to remember.

JILL:

(to Ed)

Well, I don't want to bother you,

I'm just -- I was here

auditioning for a skit. You

know, one of those things where

Dave goes around town with models

and whatever...

ED:

Oh, yeah, I love those. Yeah...

those are funny...

JILL:

Well, it was really nice meeting

you and, uh...

(checks her watch)

I'd better get a cab.

But she doesn't leave.

ED:

Um... They gave me a limo, uh...

JILL:

Oh, great! Thanks. I'm just

going uptown.

She takes his arm and leads him out.

116 INT. HEALTH CLUB - NEXT DAY

Written on the screen -- "Day 28"

Two WOMEN on Stairmasters.

WOMAN:

V11 bet he goes out with her.

It's like those actors -- as soon

as they get famous -- Pfft -

there goes the wife.

117 EXT. COLLEGE

The dorm girls.

118 INT. POKER GAME

COLLEGE GIRL:

He'll never cheat on Shari!

The game includes Tad and Barry.

119 INT. TV STUDIO

BARRY:

You think she really likes him?

TAD:

She doesn't give a sh*t about

him.

BARRY:

You know what would be great?

TAD:

What?

BARRY:

If Ray would steal this girl from

Ed. That would be great.

POKER PLAYER #2

You know what would be even

better?

BARRY:

What?

POKER PLAYER #2

If you shut your hole and played

cards. Goddam pineapple

brothers.

The same eggheads who, earlier, had no interest in Ed. Now

they're all worked up.

PANEL MEMBER #1

But he's not a normal person

anymore. He's a celebrity.

We're no longer observing

anyone's "real life."

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