EDTV Page #12

PANEL MEMBER #2

(disagreeing)

But that's what's interesting!

The effect of celebrity on an

otherwise average person.

PANEL MEMBER #3

But do you really feel that Ed is

an average person? I mean this

guy seems to have a... magnetism,

a charisma that, I think,

transcends the entire concept.

PANEL MEMBER #4

I agree. He's special.

They all nod.

120 INT. EWS APARTMENT - DAY

" DAY 34 "

Ed is opening letters and packages. There are piles of them

ED:

This is from a girl named

Tawny... this goes in the nude

picture pile. Thank you, Tawny.

He places it in a large pile. He opens another envelope.

ED (CONT'D)

Let's see.

Ed stares and his smile disappears.

ANGLE ON THE MAIL

A picture of Ed's face with his body drawn underneath it. The

body is spurting blood and is mutilated. Ed stares at it.

ED:

Well. This is creative. This

goes in the psychopath pile.

The DOORBELL RINGS.

ED:

Oh, I hope that's not this guy.

(indicates psycho

letter)

He PICKS UP a baseball bat and crosses to the door.

He opens the door. A handsome man in his early sixties is

there. His name is HANK.

HANK:

Hello.

ED:

Hi.

Ed waits.

HANK:

You don't recognize me.

ED:

No. Am I supposed to?

Hank shrugs. Ed stares at him, then begins to look a little

shaken.

121 INT. EWS MOTHER'S HOUSE

Jeanette is putting a jar in the refrigerator. She glances at

the television. She drops the jar. It SHATTERS...

122 INT. MARCIA'S APARTMENT

Marcia is with her half-Asian son ANDY. She's serving his

dinner. OFF-CAMERA we HEAR Cliff SINGING and the DOG HOWLING

in distress. Glancing at the television, Marcia gasps.

123 INT. RAY'S APARTMENT

Ray is TYPING on a word processor.

He stares curiously at the television.

124 INT. ED'S APARTMENT

Ed is staring at Hank doubtfully.

HANK:

It's me, Hank -- your father.

RAPID CUTS of VIEWERS, excited. Many of them reach for the

phone.

125 INT. REAL TV OFFICE

The Real TV staff react. Cynthia looks over-- stunned.

ALICE:

(to Cynthia)

Did you do this? Did you find

him and get him to--

CYNTHIA:

No way... Oh, this just keeps

getting better.

126 INT. AL AND JEANETTE'S HOUSE - DAY

Written on the screen -- "Day 35"

Ed and his mother are arguing. Al is sucking oxygen and has a

pile of "People" magazines with Ed on the cover. A REPAIRMAN

is fixing the refrigerator. All their food is out and melting.

Jeanette is trying to preserve food in an ice chest while she

argues with Ed.

JEANETTE:

I can't believe you're taking his

side.

ED:

I'm not! I'm just trying to get

some facts.

AL:

(to Ed)

Sign this one to Nancy. She's

the nurse who handles my urine.

Ed signs.

JEANETTE:

I told you the facts! He

abandoned us -- those are the

facts.

ED:

So everything he told me

yesterday was a lie. Everything.

Al takes a loud breath.

JEANTETTE:

Yes! ... practically

ED:

What do you mean practically?

Did he really run away or did you

throw him out like he says.

REPAIRMAN:

I need to replace the coil.

JEANETTE:

(to Ed)

He ran away after I threw him

out.

(to repairman)

How much is a new coil?

REPAIRMAN:

A hundred and fifty bucks.

ED:

So he was telling the truth

you threw him out.

REPAIRMAN:

Should I go ahead?

JEANETTE:

Yes.

ED:

Yes to me or yes to the coil?

JEANETTE:

Both.

ED:

Holy sh--

AL:

This one to Dr. Bamajian. Maybe

he won't make me wait an hour.

Ed signs.

JEANETTE:

He had girlfriends!

ED:

He says --

JEANETTE:

I don't care what he says. Look,

I don't need to relive this. On

television!

AL:

Whatever happened to Norman

Rockwell?

ED:

Who?

AL:

Norman Rockwell. He painted

magazine covers. Folksy. A

mailman, a boy scout, a kid

visiting a doctor...

ED:

Yeah, so... ?

AL:

They celebrated the common

person.

ED:

Well, I don't think you can get

more common than me, Al.

AL:

No. Only celebrities now. Now,

if you put a mailman on the cover

of a magazine he'd better have

killed someone or no one will buy

it. This one to Dr. Rumpley.

Jeanette storms back in.

JEANETTE:

All right -- do you want to know

the truth? I took you and Marcia

and Ray to my sister's on the

train for the weekend and you all

got chicken pox. So I took you

home a day early and there was

your father with a woman in our

bed. Okay?

ED:

Chicken pox? I was six. He

didn't leave 'til I was twelve.

JEANETTE:

He... apologized, he begged me.

He can be very... charming when

it suits his purpose.

ED:

But what was that whole story

about him and a nurse?

JEANETTE:

She could've been a nurse.

ED:

Could've been a nurse?

JEANETTE:

She had white shoes.

ED:

So does Grandma. So does

Shaquille O'Neal. You told me

you had a hysterectomy and he ran

off with your nurse.

JEANETTE:

What's the difference?

ED:

The difference is for twenty

years I thought one thing and now

it's another thing.

Ed nods.

JEANETTE:

He was no good. Do you remember

how he used to scream at me? You

used to cover your ears with

dinner rolls.

JEANETTE (CONT'D)

Also, no job was ever good enough

for him. "Small potatoes, small

potatoes." Al, you remember --

Al breathes loudly.

ED:

Wait a minute. I thought you

didn't know Al, 'til after Dad

left.

Pause. Even the repairman pokes his head out of the

refrigerator.

ED (CONT' D)

Oh my God. You and Al were -

and that's why you threw him out.

JEANETTE:

He had a woman in my own bed!

And how dare you call him "Dad"

in front of Al.

(shakes Al by the

shoulder)

This is your father. This is who

was there for you when you needed

someone.

AL:

Jeanette, you're hurting me.

ED:

(on the defensive)

I'm not -- I didn't -- Al, you

know how I feel about you...

Al breathes loudly.

ED (CONT'D)

(uncomfortably)

If I don't call you "Dad" it'

just because...

1 was already a big boy when you

came into our lives --

(pointedly to his

mother)

or when I thought you came into

our lives --

JEANETTE:

And what did he come back now

for?

ED:

Who?

JEANETTE:

Hank! All of a sudden. Because

now you're famous and he can get

something from you. I don't wan

you to become a victim like

Marcia.

(to the TV)

Not that you're a victim, honey.

You're not. Life's just been a

little hard on you, sweetie.

ED:

(to Al)

What do you think. I mean

about... him. Should I just...

have nothing to do with him? I

mean...

AL:

(to Ed)

Have I ever said a bad word to

you about your father?

ED:

No.

AL:

Well, now I will. He was a crazy

mean, son-of-a-b*tch.

Al starts to wheel himself out. Ed looks weary.

AL (CONT'D)

But he was your father.

127 INT. ED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

He's asleep.

128 INT. CONTROL TRUCK

They're monitoring him. They see Ed WAKE UP. They stir.

Sleepy, and scratching his ass, he goes into the bathroom.

129 INT. BATHROOM

Ed shuts the door. He takes his PORTABLE PHONE OUT of a

bathroom drawer. (He stashed it there.) He makes a call and

waits.

ED:

(whispering)

Hi... it's me, Ed. It's been two

days, I want to see you... No, I

won't let them follow me, I'11

sneak out... No it's not allowed,

but I'm going for it... I'm on my

way.

He takes CLOTHING OUT of the bathroom hamper.

until he finds something acceptable.

130 INT. CONTROL TRUCK

They're monitoring the empty bed.

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