EDTV Page #13

131 INT. BATHROOM

Ed is dressed. He CLIMBS OUT his bathroom window.

132 INT. SHARI'S APARTMENT - LATER

Shari opens her front door.

ED:

Hi.

She looks down the hallway.

ED (CONT'D)

They're not here.

He goes in, grabs her and kisses her passionately.

SHARI:

I tried to tell you over the

phone -- my parents went to

Atlantic City.

ED:

So?

SHARI:

So my little brother's staying

here. I'm sleeping with Rita.

ED:

Oh Je -- couldn't he sleep with

Rita? We'11 all have a good

time.

SHARI:

I'm sorry.

ED:

Come on, let's go.

SHARI:

Where?

ED:

Somewhere.

133 INT. ED'S CAR - A FEW MINUTES LATER

They get in. They look at each other.

ED:

Do you want to go to a motel?

SHARI:

I feel like a criminal or, like

we're cheating on someone.

ED:

(nicely)

Just... just relax. Okay? We

won't do anything. We'11 just

sit here for a while.

SHARI:

Okay.

ED:

Come on...

Gently he puts his arm around her. At first, she hesitates,

but then curls up against him and relaxes.

ED (CONT'D)

I need to talk.

SHARI:

Are you all right?

ED:

She lied to me. I mean all my

life, she's telling me one story

and then... it turns out to be a

completely different story. Come

to me at some point -- tell me

the truth. No. Not in my house.

The truth is a stranger. And

this is why Ray and Marcia are

the way they are. Marcia gets

involved with all these losers

and sees no problem with herself -

"How do they find me" she says.

Ray cheats on you and then blames

me for it. I'm the only one in

the family who takes any

responsibility for himself... Oh,

man... Are you all right?

SHARI:

(hesitantly)

Yeah... I saw that girl come on

to you at the TV show.

ED:

Oh that was... no, I ... she just

kind of trapped me into giving

her a ride. It's you. I want

you.

SHARI:

...yeah?

He TOUCHES her. They KISS. Then again. Their hands are

roaming. They're hot. They're breathing hard. He's

unbuttoning her blouse. Their hands are all over each other.

Her blouse comes off. LIGHTS GO ON. They see cameras,

shooting at them. Shari SCREAMS and covers her breasts.

134 INT. TV - DAY

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Good morning. Welcome to another

day of Ed TV. Last night, while

most of us were asleep ... this

happened.

135 INT. FRAT HOUSE - MORNING

FOUR GUYS in a disgustingly messy room, watching the replay of

Ed and Shari.

FRAT GUYS:

Yes!!

They GYRATE LEWDLY.

136 EXT. STREET - DAY

Shari is working. Ed is following her around. Shari is ANGRY.

The cameras are there.

SHARI:

Get them away from me.

She takes PACKAGES OUT OF the TRUCK and THROWS them at the

cameramen.

ED:

It's not their fault.

SHARI:

No. It's your fault.

She throws a package at him.

ED:

What do you want me to do? You

want me to quit the show?!

SHARI:

No... Could you?

ED:

No. If I quit I don't get the

balloon payment.

SHARI:

The what?

ED:

Ray borrowed this whole tub of

money against this balloon

payment that I don't get if I qu --

it's too complicated. I -- Besides...

SHARI:

What?

Pause.

ED:

You see how people look at me.

Like when they ask for my

autograph or say "Hi" to me...

It's like I'm a basketball player

or a... you know, like I'm

someone.

SHARI:

Everybody's someone.

ED:

Well, yeah, everybody's someone.

But I mean someone they want to

be. I mean let's face it, I'm

working in the video store, no

one's coming in saying "oh, I

wish I was that guy. 1 wish

was rewinding that huge pile of

tapes." At least for a month

I'm not just a guy with a name

tag. I'm famous.

A GUY YELLS from across the street.

GUY:

Shari! Nice nipples.

ED:

And so are you.

GUYS keep YELLING "Shari!"

She tries to go after them. Ed holds her back.

SHARI:

I don't want to be famous for

getting caught with my shirt off.

If I'm going to be famous --

The camera is right in her face. She grabs it.

SHARI (CONT'D)

(to the camera person)

This is going right up your ass.

ED:

Come on.

He returns the camera.

Shari starts for her truck.

SHARI:

Look... maybe we just better put

us on hold until this is over.

She gets in her truck.

ED:

Come on! Loosen up.

(trying to joke)

See -- this is why seventy-one

per cent of the people don't like

you.

She SLAMS the TRUCK DOOR.

ED (CONT'D)

It was a joke! A... vicious,

thoughtless stupid joke.

He bangs himself in the head.

She drives away.

He BOWS.

ED (CONT'D)

(to the camera)

And that, for you kids out there,

is how you screw up a relationship.

137 INT. ED'S APARTMENT

Ed enters. He's worn out. He plops down, and puts on the TV.

ED:

(to the camera)

I'm gonna watch anything but me.

Ed is flipping stations. Something makes him stop.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Coming in two weeks to the

Lifestyle Channel -- Joma. His

Dad's a cop, his brother's a

bouncer in a topless bar, his

sister is a black-belt social

worker -- and Joma's living with

two gals.

ANGLE ON THE TV:

We see JOMA. He has a lot of charisma. He seems a little

dangerous, but in an exciting way.

JOMA:

Hey, Ed! I'm coming to get you,

man! I'm gonna eat you right up!

(makes gobbling-up

noises)

ANGLE ON ED:

Watching. He's stunned.

138 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

They're watching a tape of Ed TV. Ed has just entered his own

apartment. A WOMAN is there, sitting on his sofa. She's

caressing Ed's undershorts against her cheek. Ed is highly

agitated.

ED:

How did you get into my

apartment?!

The BODYGUARD is pulling her out.

REVEAL that Scharlach, McIlvaine, Seaver, Cynthia and Greg are

all watching.

McILVAINE

What is she holding?

GREG:

(calmly)

A pair of Ed's underwear.

McILVAINE

Oh my God!

ON the TAPE, the woman while being forcibly evicted, offers

the underwear to Ed. Ed recoils.

ED:

No -- keep it.

WOMAN:

I love you! 1 want to marry you!

She's hauled out. They stop the tape.

SCHARLACH:

See -- that's television! This

other thing, this Jama, that has

"stink" written all over it.

GREG:

The break-up with Shari was very

big. Big ratings.

SEAVER:

Only, Cynthia, seriously. Tell

Ed not to sneak out anymore.

SCHARLACH:

Cynthia ...

He wants it accomplished.

139 EXT. STREET - DAY

SEAVER (CONT'D)

It's in violation of his contract

and if we wanted to be hard-nosed

about it, he could forfeit all

pay, including money he's already

received.

CYNTHIA:

(dutifully, but a tad

resentfully)

I will see that he's properly

threatened.

SCHARLACH:

Now what? What's on the young

man's agenda? We don't want to

see him sitting around like a

lovesick puppy.

GREG:

Young males do not want to see Ed

get back with Shari.

SCHARLACH:

(impatiently)

Enough with her. That sailed.

McILVAINE

Could Ed live with two girls?

GREG:

You know who the audience is

requesting a lot? That girl,

Jill, that Ed met at the

Letterman show. She really

scored.

SCHARLACH:

Cynthia...

He wants it accomplished.

139 EXT. STREET - DAY

Ed is walking from his car to a building. CROWDS are behind

barricades. They YELL at Ed as he passes. Ed is used to this.

140 INT. SHARI'S BUILDING - DAY

Rita OPENS the door and sees Ed.

RITA:

(nervously)

Oh. Ed.

ED:

Hi. Is Shari here?

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