EDTV Page #19

ED:

Hi, kids. Busy?

MUCH CONFUSION:

ED (CONT'D)

I just came up to pass out these

Ed TV hats.

He takes a lot of HATS out of the carton and begins placing on

the heads of the Honchos.

ED (CONT'D)

A guy made these up for me. He

spelled Ed with two D's. Okay,

listen. The real reason I came

up here -- and then I'11 get out

of your way -- is I've been

thinking about what you said.

About let's start having more fun

with this show, you know? Let's

give it a big kick in the ass.

HONCHO #1

Well, we were thinking --

ED:

(cheerfully)

Shut up.

He takes back that Honcho's hat.

ED (CONT'D)

Let's have a contest. Now this

would mostly be open to

professional investigators and

detectives. But anyone can join

in.

SHARI:

(rehearsed)

What do we have to do?

ED:

My lovely assistant, Shari. I'm

glad you asked. The contest is

who can dig up -- legally, of

course -- I'm not suggesting

that anyone break any laws --

the most embarrassing and

humiliating facts about any of

the executives here at the North

American Broadcasting System which

owns Real TV.

The Honchos staring blankly.

ED (CONT'D)

But facts! They have to be

verified. Anything from their

past, their present, business,

personal -- arrests, affairs ...

And whoever comes up with the

sleaziest, most degrading

material -- I'11 give you ten

thousand dollars. And you get to

be on Ed TV.

(to the Honchos,

excitedly)

Hah?

SHARI:

So act now. Here's Ed's home

phone number.

She holds up a CARD.

196 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

It's packed with LAWYERS and EXECS. Everyone is agitated,

except Cynthia, who seems relaxed-Ed and Shari are gone.

SCHARLACH:

Legal?! How can this be legal?

It's defamation! It's slander!

It's...

LAWYER:

Not, technically. He is not

showing a reckless disregard for

the truth.

SCHARLACH:

You're fired!

The meeting continues ANGRILY.

197 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER

The Honchos are watching Ed TV. They look STRAINED, ANXIOUS.

In Ed's home a BANK OF PHONES have been set up like for a

telethon. Manning the phones are Ed, Shari, Ray, Marcia, Al

and Jeanette. The PHONES KEEP RINGING.

RAY:

(into phone)

Uh-huh... uh-huh... Really?! She

was how old?

In the conference room one of the Execs looks DIZZY.

The CAMERA PANS to Al on the phone.

AL:

(shocked)

He pays a prostitute to do what

to him? I don't even want that

on my shoes.

IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM

FEAR and SHOCK, except for Cynthia, who is LAUGHING and can't

stop.

SCHARLACH:

Stop laughing or you're fired.

She stops.

Then she gets up.

SCHARLACH (CONT'D)

Where are you going?

CYNTHIA:

I've got this great idea. We put

together a video. "The Network

Executives Goofiest Moments." And

listen, i've really loved working

here.

On the word "loved" she shot Scharlach THE FINGER. She exits,

LAUGHING.

198 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ed is off the phone,

ED:

Okay. We have a winner. Now

please don't feel badly if yours

wasn't selected. In our eyes,

you're all winners.

RAY:

And each contestant gets one of

these.

(holds up a tee-shirt

with writing on it)

An "I tried to screw a network

executive" tee-shirt.

ED:

A hundred per cent cotton. Okay,

here we go, Andy.

Ed grabs a sealed ENVELOPE. Andy plays a DRUM ROLL -- not

terribly well.

ED (CONT'D)

Andy's available for executions.

And the winner is ...

As he opens the envelope.

199 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

The Executives staring, HORRIFIED.

200 INT. ED'S APARTMENT

He takes out the card and registers mock-surprise.

ED:

Hey, the winner is from right

here in New York city.

Carl Bowers a former orderly at

the Martin Center -- a clinic

that specializes in, what they

call, male enhancement

procedures.

201 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

Scharlach's EYES WIDEN in HORROR.

202 INT. ED'S APARTMENT

ED:

(to the camera)

How many of you know what a

penile implant is? As it was

explained to me, what happens is--

203 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

As Ed explains, Scharlach reaches for the phone, fumbling it

for a moment.

204 INT. ED'S APARTMENT

ED:

And the man of the hour -- the

executive with the winning secret

the man who, thanks to the

miracle of space-age science and

a pump he keeps in his pocket,

can now --

A SHOT OF a television set tuned to Ed. Suddenly Ed is

replaced by a Real TV logo.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And that concludes Real TV's

coverage of Ed TV. Stay tuned

for new programming information.

MUSAK:

205 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

206 INT. TV STUDIO

An ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER.

207 INT. TV STUDIO

The PANEL.

208 EXT. CHURCH

ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER

A spokesperson for Real TV

announced that Ed received a

check covering his four months on

the air, his balloon payment and

an additional bonus to show the

Network's appreciation for all

his -- quote -- hard work and

loyalty -- unquote. When asked --

CUT TO:

The Panel.

PANELIST #1

In five years no one will even

remember this person.

PANELIST #4

Five years! Six months. He's

the "macarena." He's --

CUT TO:

A NEWS REPORTER is reporting on a wedding.

REPORTER:

Marcia Pekurny, the woman known

to most Americans as "Ed's

sister" was married here today to

Carlos Coto, who some of you may

remember as the primary camera

operator on "Ed TV" --

CUT TO:

209 INT. TV STUDIO

A news show.

NEWS ANCHOR:

The current rage of "Reality

Television" got a real dose of

reality today. Lifestyle

Televisions Joma was shot this

evening, outside his apartment.

Because Joma was on television

twenty-four hours a day,

Lifestyle's cameras were there to

record the shooting.

WE SEE Joma walking into his building. Somebody steps forward

with a GUN. The ASSAILANT is jostled as he shoots and the

bullet hits Joma in the ass. He falls to the sidewalk.

JOKA:

Ohhhh!!! ... my ass! He shot me

in the ass!

The CAMERA PANS to the Assailant, who we might recognize as

someone who we've seen following Ed from time to time.

ASSAILANT:

Now I'm famous.

REVEAL Ed and Shari watching this on television.

ED:

I know him. I gave him an autograph.

Shari turns it off.

THE END:

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