EDTV Page #18

Ray and Jeanette leave.

187 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Ed is there along with Cynthia and the Network Execs. There

are more execs than before. Cynthia's people are not there.

This entire meeting is on ED TV. Cynthia is quiet -

observing. Ed looks whipped.

ED:

Three more months?

MR. SCHARLACH

Absolutely! Ed TV is more

popular than ever.

Congratulations.

McILVAINE

Only, Ed, we want you, in the

next few weeks to spend a lot

more time with your family.

ED:

You do?

SEAVER:

Definitely. Cynthia, explain it to him.

Cynthia just stares at her, COLDLY.

SEAVER (CONT'D)

I'11 do it.

(to Ed)

People want to see what happens

to them now. Do your mother and

step-father get back together?

How does your sister handle being

alone? Your feud with your

brother.

SCHARLACH:

In fact, we have a new concept.

Since your family signed

releases, we can follow them on

camera even when you're not with

them. We can cut around from

family member to family member.

Whoever's the most exciting at

that moment.

McILVAINE

And, of course, it's another big

bonus payment for you.

Pause.

ED:

A couple of years ago my Uncle

Roy got bit on the ass by a dog.

Silence. What the hell is he talking about?

ED (CONT'D)

So he gave me his tickets to the U.S.

Open -- the tennis matches.

They still have no idea what he's talking about.

ED (CONT'D)

So me and Ray, we tell our

friends "Watch when Andre Agassi

is gonna serve for the first

time. When he's bouncing the

ball and it's real quiet, we'11

yell "Whoop". And you'11 all

hear us."

Pause.

SCHARLACH:

I see.

(he doesn't)

ED:

You know what that is? It's sad.

I mean it was just so we could be

heard. So we could stand out

from the crowd for a second. So

we did it. But we had nothing to

say. Just "Whoop". That's it.

And the stupid part I mean the

really stupid part is we

thought it like... elevated us

above the crowd. Where the fact

is it made us stupider than the

crowd.

SCHARLACH:

I see.

ED:

Stop saying "I see." You don't

see. Cynthia, I owe you an

apology.

CYNTHIA:

I don't think so.

ED:

Yeah. Because, you didn't talk

me into anything. Everything you

wanted me to do, I wanted to do.

188 INT. SHARI'S PLACE

Shari watching Ed TV.

189 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

ED:

(to the camera)

Ray, you were right. It's like

in school. I was always saying

"the room was too hot, the

teacher didn't like me" -- but it

was me! Everything that's wrong

with my life I did. Okay? So

now this is it. My family has

problems. Which are our fault.

And TV is not the place to solve

them. So I quit. I'm taking

what very little dignity I've got

left and I quit. Can someone

validate my parking?

Pause. SHOCK.

MR. SCHARLACH

Well, Ed, that's ... not really

possible.

ED:

All right, I'11 pay for the

parking. Big network!

Scharlach speaks carefully - gently. He's aware of the camera.

He doesn't want to come off as a villain.

SCHARLACH:

No, I mean you can't quit.

Ed thinks.

ED:

I can't?

MR. SCHARLACH

(very gently)

Well, no. You agreed to stay on

the air as long as we asked you

to. The station entered into

this on that understanding. If

you had refused we'd have begun

this with somebody else. You

can't just change the rules in

the middle of the game, son.

It's not fair to us. More

importantly, it's not fair to the

viewers. They're interested in

you. They've devoted hours and

days and weeks of their lives to

you.

ED:

Look, if you don't let me out of

this... I'11 just... I'11 just

sit in my apartment all day. I

won't go anywhere, I won't do

anything. What kind of show will

that be?

MR. SCHARLACH

Not too good. That's why it

states in your contract that if

you do not continue to live a

normal life, you're in violation

and are liable for the station's

financial losses. Ed, I urge you

to reconsider. I urge you on

behalf of all those people out

there whose lives have become so

entwined with yours. Play fair

with them, Ed.

ED:

All right. Let them decide.

He turns right to the camera.

ED (CONT'D)

I'd like you all to do me a

favor. Turn me off. Just grab

the remote and change the

channel. I mean, basically, all

you're watching now is a guy

deteriorate.

The only thing missing is the

smell. You're better than that

Turn me off. Thank you.

190 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE

Greg bursts in, carrying a sheet of paper.

GREG:

Ratings are up across the board.

Look at this!

(drones on)

Men 18 to 35, women 18 to 35 ...

Cynthia stares, amazed.

191 EXT. STREET

Ed WALKING ZOMBIE-LIKE- CROWDS SWARM.

192 INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY

Ed is with STEVE, a lawyer. Steve has a huge contract on his

desk.

STEVE:

This contract you signed? ... It's

a masterpiece. Don't go to war

with these guys. You fart in the

wrong direction they can take

everything you own and leave you

naked by the side of the road.

You ever going to get back with

that Jill? Ooh -- she was nice.

Shari, I didn't like that much

("imitates" a gabby

girl)

"yet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet-tet."

ED:

Shut up.

193 INT. DINER - NIGHT

Ed is sitting alone, eating lunch. He's surrounded by cameras

and shielded by BODYGUARDS.

OUTSIDE the diner a CROWD of rubberneckers is out on the

sidewalk, looking in at him, some of them acting up, some just

staring in. Ed is tired. He glances out the window and makes

a MONKEY FACE. Suddenly, he FREEZES.

He sees Shari's face in the crowd. She puts her fist in her mouth.

194 EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Ed and Shari are walking -- on camera.

SHARI:

1 bailed. I bailed on you.

ED:

Kinda'.

SHARI:

It's what I do. I yell

"Geronimo" and jump out of a

relationship.

He laughs.

Pause.

SHARI (CONT'D)

You weren't able to make me feel

safe or secure -- no easy job for

any man, I admit -- and my

problem is, if I think I'm

losing, I pull myself out of the

game. I bail. See? I told you,

I'm the love coroner.

ED:

What did you do to your hair?

SHARI:

My truck overheated, so I opened

the hood and my hair got caught

in the fan belt. So I had to get

a haircut.

ED:

It's nice.

He touches her hair. They leap on each other. They're

KISSING.

195 INT. NETWORK CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Big meeting. Many Honchos, including Scharlach and Cynthia.

All but Cynthia are focused. Cynthia looks bored.

HONCHO #l

I think this could be great.

What if Ed and Shari decide to

get married? A wedding? The

cute, little half-Asian nephew in

a tuxedo, carrying the ring on

one of those big fluffy pillows -

we'11 kill. A sixty share.

A secretary (MILDRED) enters. She's a little flustered.

MILDRED:

Um... Mr. Scharlach, um -- you're

not watching TV?

SCHARLACH:

No, Mildred, we're working.

MILDRED:

Um... Ed -- and Shari are --

SEAVER:

Engaged?

MILDRED:

No. Here. They're in the

building. They're on their way

up.

Scharlach indicates that he wants someone to turn on the TV.

Someone does and they see Ed and Shari coming down the hall.

They enter the conference room. The cameras, of course, are

with them. Ed is carrying a CARTON.

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