EDTV Page #17

NURSE:

(to Ed)

Could I get your autograph for my niece?

ED:

(distracted)

Um... yeah...

Jeanette enters.

JEANETTE:

Al! How did you --

AL:

The Burkharts drove me. Are you

all right?

JEANETTE:

(nervously)

I'm fine. I ...

AL:

Good. I gotta pee.

He wheels off. Jeanette and Ed are left alone.

ED:

(loud whisper)

What happened?

JEANETTE:

It was horrible. He called me up.

ED:

Who?

JEANETTE:

Hank! He said he wanted to talk

to me to apologize for everything

he begged -- he cried.

So I went to this horrible hotel

he was staying in... I felt so

sorry for him --

ED:

So you had sex with him?

Jeanette GASPS.

JEANETTE:

What?

ED:

The doctor said you were having sex.

JEANETTE:

(horrified)

To you? In front of him?

(indicates Carlos)

With the...

ED:

Yes. He assumed Hank was your

husband. He didn't know.

JEANETTE:

Oh my god! On TV!

ED:

Why? How...

JEANETTE:

One thing led to another. He was

my husband once.

ED:

But Al is your husband now!

JEANETTE:

Do you think it's been easy for

me? It's been years. Al can't

have sex.

ED:

Apparently, neither can Hank.

What the hell did you do to him?

Al comes rolling back, SINGING.

AL:

"Lovely Rita, the Meter Maid...

178 INT. TV STUDIO

JEANETTE:

(whispers)

Don't tell Al. He doesn't know.

ED:

(points to the camera)

Well, he's the only one in

America who doesn't!

OPRAH or RICKI or GERALDO or someone.

OPRAH:

Women who remarry but have sex

with their first husbands. on

today's Oprah.

179 INT. TV STUDIO

Our same panel of pundits.

PANELIST #3

Ed's family is the tip of the

iceberg. You watch the daytime

tabloid shows it's the same

thing. I'm telling you, America

is fast becoming a trailer park.

PANELIST #2

Let's not overstate the case.

There are millions of hard-

working, sensible, moral,

educated people in this country.

Not every family is like Ed's.

REVEAL ED watching this discussion on TV.

180 INT. TV STUDIO

DAVE OR JAY:

A CHART is set up with little pictures.

DAVE/JAY

So let's recap. The mother's too

good at it, both brothers stink

at it.

(there's a drawing of

a figure falling of

a table)

The stepfather can't do it at

all and the father did it but it

killed him.

(there's a drawing

of a tombstone)

How did this family ever reproduce

in the first place?

181 EXT. CEMETERY GATES - DAY

Ed is driving Jeanette and Al to the funeral. A CROWD is held back by

POLICE. Someone yells "Adulterer". Someone else tries to offer Ed a

lunchbox. Someone else is carrying a sign "What a Way to Go".

182 EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

Hank's COFFIN is being carried to his gravesite. Ed, Ray and Marcia

are pall bearers. One of the others pall bearers is Ed's BODYGUARD.

The OTHERS TWO are two guys who work for the mortuary. Carlos is

shooting.

ED:

(to Ray)

You're not going to talk to me?

You're not even gonna say hello?

RAY:

I have nothing to say to you.

Ed gives up. He turns to Marcia.

ED:

How are you doing? Is Cliff here?

She doesn't answer. Ed reacts.

RAY:

Cliff left her, thanks to you.

ED:

Me?!

RAY:

That's right. You put Cliff on

television. So then he decided he

was too good for her and he left.

ED:

I put his -- who --

(to Marcia)

Look, Marsh, he's not that good

a singer, he'll be back.

MARCIA:

(too loudly)

That's not funny!!

Ed CRINGES.

183 EXT. GRAVESITE - A LITTLE LATER

The service ends. The small group begins to walk away. Ray

and Marcia go off together, ignoring Ed. Jeanette is

attempting to wheel Al away from the grave, but she's hitting

ruts. Ed approaches.

ED:

I'11 take it.

JEANTTE:

(to Al, uncomfortably)

Sweetheart, I'm gonna go ahead

and sign all the papers.

AL:

Right.

She touches him but he pulls away. Ed wheels Al.

ED:

Are things gonna be okay with you

and Mom? Is there anything I can --

AL:

I'm moving out.

ED:

What?!

AL:

I'm going to be living with my

brother. He's not in such good

shape as I am, but... I'm looking

forward to the pillow fights.

ED:

(really upset)

Oh, Al ... This is just...

AL:

Hank was always good with the

ladies. Always good-looking.

Hell, he's been dead for two

days, he still looks better than

me.

He stops wheeling and crouches down next to Al.

ED:

I want to tell you something...

I love you. You're my father.

Pause.

AL:

I love you, too.

Al KISSES him.

AL (CONT'D)

I'11 build a pirate ship with

you.

Ed wheels him away.

184 INT. CYNTHIA'S OFFICE

She's watching. She's genuinely moved. She wipes her eyes.

185 INT. BAR - NIGHT

This place is sleazy. Ed enters, worn out. He crosses to the

bar where we find, Jeanette nursing a drink. She's not drunk,

but she is wallowing.

ED:

Hi, Ma.

JEANETTE:

(startled)

Ed! How did you know I was here?

ED:

You're famous. Somebody called

me. What are you doing in a

place like this?

JEANETTE:

Why shouldn't I be in a place

like this? I'm a whore!

ED:

(cringes)

Ma...

JEANETTE:

I'm a tramp

(pulls on the sleeve of

the man next to her)

Meet your new father. The whole

nation is laughing at us!

ED:

And how is this helping? come on

say, good-night to all your new

friends and let's go home.

JEANETTE:

(exiting)

I'm a whore!

(yells at an employee)

Your bathrooms are filthy!

They're out.

186 EXT. BAR - CONTINUOUS

Ed is helping Jeanette. Ray arrives. He's ANGRY.

RAY:

I'11 take her. You humiliated

our mother on national

television. You've single-

handedly destroyed this family.

ED:

I -- Oh, but that book you wrote

was a real love-letter. That...

toilet paper with covers.

BYSTANDER #1

That book sucked. I want my

money back.

ED:

Oh great. Where's Moe?

He looks around. Moe is gone.

RAY:

Come on, Ma.

ED:

(to Ray)

Let's remember how I got into

this. "Please, Eddie, do this

for me. I can't get a break."

(pretends to cry)

RAY:

You know what your problem is?

ED:

Yeah. My problem is I've got a

brother who writes a sentence

like "We grew up in a small,

little bedroom." As opposed to

a big, little bedroom?

RAY:

I got paid by the word! No!

Your problem is you don't ever

want anything to be your fault.

ED:

Me?! That's you!

RAY:

I commit. I take a chance. You

wanted to be the guy on TV, but

you didn't want to say you wanted

to. So you have me talk you into

it so you get what you want, but

if it goes bad it's not your

fault.

BYSTANDER #2

Right. Like you say you love

Shari, but, you wouldn't mind

noodling that model.

ED:

Moe!

BYSTANDER #3

The truth hurts.

ED:

Yeah? So does a kick in the

nuts.

RAY:

For once in your life, be honest

with yourself. I know you, Ed.

I know you look at me and Marcia

and Mom and you think you're

different.

You're like "How did I end up in

this family?" You're not

different. you're worse.

Because you have no guts.

You drift around, you don't commit,

you make fun of me -- okay. Just

don't kid yourself.

(to Jeanette)

Let's go.

JEANETTE:

You're both good boys.

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