EDTV Page #16

CUT TO:

ANOTHER GUY:

He used to steal things from my

store. At least I think it was

him. Yeah, it was probably him.

168 EXT. ED'S APARTMENT - DAY

A MAN, on the sidewalk, has a STUFFED CAT stuck to his back to

tease Ed.

CAT MAN:

Hey, look, I just fell off a

table!

Suddenly, a TUBFUL OF WATER crashes down on him.

169 INT. ED'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Ed at the window, with a now empty plastic tub.

ED:

(yelling down)

Okay, is that funny?

Then he throws the tub out the window.

ED (CONT'D)

(to the camera)

How was that? Was that funny?!

170 INT. NETWORK OFFICE

"DAY 78"

Again, everyone there, including Cynthia. A Honcho is reading

a report.

HONCHO #1

Of more concern than the sag in

Ed's ratings is what viewers are

feeling about him now. The

positives are down and the

negatives are up.

There's a feeling that Ed isn't

cool anymore. We're starting to

see a big L.F.

GREG:

Hm?

HONCHO #1

L.F. Loser Factor.

HONCHO #2

That's deadly.

McILVAINE

Not necessarily. I mean instead

of running from the L.F., run

with it. Create more moments

like the table thing. We can

package a video "Ed's Goofiest

Moments." Let him be America's

Goofball.

CYNTHIA:

Isn't this getting kind of

pathetic. I mean we drank the

juice, now we're just licking

peel. Let it go!

SCHARLACH:

Cynthia, I think you're laboring

under a misconception. You seem

to believe that because you

happened to predict this, we

should be impressed. We're not.

Anybody in any business can

predict failure. 1 need people

who prevent failure. I want to

see this thing turned back in the

right direction. Remember this

was your baby.

171 INT. BAR - NIGHT

"DAY 94"

Tad and Barry -- as we met them, originally -- are watching TV.

They're really enjoying it -- laughing, pounding the table.

TAD:

I don't know, I still love this guy.

BARRY:

Yeah only I wish they had the

sister on more.

TAD:

Ooh, the sister! She is hot.

BARRY:

You know it.

REVEAL that they are watching Joma. On the TV -- Joma is

eating dinner in his apartment with TWO attractive WOMEN, who,

apparently, both live there. Joma is upset (but he's funny

when he's upset). What's upsetting him is that across the

alley, in a window of another building, he can plainly see an

OVERWEIGHT MAN, with his shirt off, exercising. The overweight

man is apparently watching an exercise video and is bouncing up

and down in place causing everything to jiggle unpleasantly.

JOMA'S FRIEND

Ignore him.

JOMA:

I can't! It's like a mudslide.

(screams out the

window)

Put on a shirt!

ANGLE ON TAD AND BARRY, HYSTERICAL

ANGLE ON TV:

JOMA (CONT'D)

(yelling)

I support the fact that your

exercising but, for the love of

God, put on a shirt.

JOMA'S FRIEND

(to Joma)

Shut the curtains.

JOMA:

No! Let him shut the curtains.

TAD AND BARRY:

Laughing and wiping their eyes.

172 INT. ED'S BEDROOM

Off the air. Ed ON the PHONE.

INTERCUT WITH CYNTHIA

ED:

This Joma is so phoney! I mean,

those things aren't really

happening. I think they have

writers making that stuff up for

him. Hey, couldn't we do that?

Hire some writers and have them

write up some crazy situations I

could get into?

She's listening, amazed.

CYNTHIA:

Ed, everything goes off.

"Cheers" went off. "Mash" went off --

ED:

(getting angry)

Yeah, but when they went off

people weren't making fun of

them. They weren't bozos! I'm

Pumpkin Ass again!

CYNTHIA:

(getting annoyed)

Ed --

ED:

You know, everything you asked me

to do I did. I call you for

advice about Shari you say -

(mocking imitation)

"Leave her be, see other people

for a while." You just wanted me

to get involved with Jill because

it made for a better show.

CYNTHIA:

Ed --

ED:

No. You screwed up my life just

so you could get higher ratings.

You never gave a sh*t about me.

CYNTHIA:

Yeah? Well I'm not starting now.

She HANGS UP and has an acid reflux.

173 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT

Ed and John are playing.

JOHN:

Look, you put anybody on TV

sixteen hours a day, at some

point they're going to wind up

rolling off a table on to a cat.

I mean with no privacy, there's

no... dignity.

Ed thinks.

Pause.

ED:

You know about that fireman who

rescued that little girl?

JOHN:

When? Today?

ED:

No! Like, ten years ago. In

Texas. Baby...

(tries to remember)

Jessica!

JOHN:

Oh right, right! She fell down,

like a...

ED:

Yeah, a thing. He became a big

hero. He was on TV and there was

a parade and a movie about him

JOHN:

Right, right...

ED:

And then, uh... you know it blew

over and he went back to being a

fireman again.

JOHN:

(cheerfully)

Right.

ED:

So he killed himself.

JOHN:

(a little shaken)

Oh.

SILENCE. The cell phone RINGS.

Ed PICKS UP the phone.

ED:

Hello.

INTERCUT WITH JEANETTE IN A HOSPITAL

She's crying.

JEANETTE:

Eddie...

ED:

Mom?

JEANETTE:

I'm at the hospital.

ED:

What's the matter?!

JEANETTE:

He's dead! Eddie, he's dead! It

was his heart.

ED:

Oh God. What hospital?

JEANETTE:

St. Joseph's.

ED:

I'm coming right over. I'll be right there.

He hangs up.

174 INT. TAD'S HOUSE

Tad is watching TV and talking an the phone.

TAD:

I told you! I told you he was

gonna die!

175 INT. HOSPITAL - AN HOUR LATER

Ed rushes in. He goes up to the desk. Carlos is with him.

ED:

Hi. I'm looking for my mother.

Her name is --

A DOCTOR spots him.

DR. GELLER

Mr. Pekurny.

ED:

Yes?

DR. GELLER

I'm Dr. Geller. Your mother is

just lying down for a few

minutes. we gave her something

to calm her down.

ED:

Thank you. Can I see her?

DR. GELLER

Just wait here. She's coming

right back out.

ED:

Mm...

(wearily)

Oh, man...

DR. GELLER

(sympathetically)

ED:

What about him -- did he suffer

any or was it quick? I'd hate to

think he...

DR. GELLER

Very quick. Between you and me,

it's not a bad way to go. Making

love to your wife... it's very

sweet.

ED:

Really? They were..

DR. GELLER

(nods)

According to your mother. When

the paramedics got to the hotel,

she told them that --

ED:

Hotel? What were they doing in

a hotel?

DR. GELLER

I ... don't know. I ...

VOICE (O.C.)

Eddie. Thank God you're here.

Eddie looks across the room and sees Al in his wheelchair, just

entering from outside. He wheels towards Ed.

AL:

How's your mother?

ED:

(shocked)

Al!

AL:

Our neighbors gave me a ride.

ED:

Al!!

AL:

Where is she? Is she all right?

Ed turns to the doctor.

ED:

I thought -- I thought he was dead.

DR. GELLER

Who?

ED:

Al!

DR. GELLER

No.

(reads his chart)

The deceased is ... Henry Pekurny.

176 INT. TAD'S HOUSE

TAD:

(stunned)

Good twist!

177 INT. HOSPITAL

AL:

You thought it was me?

ED:

Yes!

AL:

It's your father. Hank. Your

mother went to see him and he had

a heart attack.

ED:

Went --

Again, Ed turns to the doctor.

NURSE:

Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack wants to see you.

DR. GELLER

(to Ed)

Excuse me.

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