Edward Scissorhands Page #3

HOUSEWIFE:

Me, too. There you go.

WOMAN 2

I want a row of angels.

JOYCE:

Sorry, ladies. But he's promised to come to my

house first.

WOMAN 3

One more.

JOYCE:

Haven't you, Eddie?

EDWARD:

I did?

BILL:

Okay, everybody. Grab your plates. Soup's on.

EDWARD:

I thought it was shish kebab.

BILL:

What?

EDWARD:

I thought it was shish kebab.

BILL:

Yeah, it, it is shish kebab. It was a figure of

speech, Ed. You got to learn not to take things

so literally.

(On hearing that, Edward looks

back the time the inventor taught

him the etiquette.)

INVENTOR:

Let us pretend we're in the drawing room, and

the hostess is serving tea "Now, many numerous

little questions confront us" "Should the man

rise" "When he accepts his cup of tea?" "May

lump sugar be taken with the things?"

EDWARD:

Hmm, no.

INVENTOR:

Is it good form to accept a second cup? "Now,

should the napkin be entirely unfolded." Oh

should the center crease. Be allowed to remain?

It is so easy to commit embarrassing

blunders. "But etiquette humiliation and

discomfort. Mmm yes, boring. Let us switch to,

Um... To some poetry, Hmm?" "There was an old

man from the cape." "Who made himself there,

but they keep such a beautiful shape." That's

right. Go ahead, smile. It's funny. That's

right.

DENNY:

Okay, guys, we're home. shh.

KIM:

I can't believe. Everything's still sopping.

TEENAGE GIRL:

I can't wait to take a shower.

SUZANNE:

And wash off the mildew.

JIM:

If my parents set the alarm, I'm screwed I'll

sleep in the yard... again.

KIM:

I told you to call to say we're coming back

early.

DENNY:

Did you?

SUZANNE:

He'd rather complain.

JIM:

How else can I be the center of the attention?

You didn't call your parents.

KIM:

They don't run their house like a police

station. Bye. Thanks for driving, Denny. See

you later.

JIM:

See you later. Bye.

KIM:

Don't forget your arm.

JIM:

Oh, yeah.

DENNY:

Come on, Jim let's go.

KIM:

Bill! There's somebody in my room. Go. Look. A

murderer with an axe. He did try to even kill

me.

BILL:

It's all right. It's all right.

( to Kevin)

Go back to bed. It's only Edward.

(to Edward)

This way.

PEG:

Honey, that was Edward.

KIM:

Who is he? What are you talking about?

PEG:

Edward's come to live with us. There's nothing

to be upset about. No, no. It's okay.

BILL:

We'll have you a setup here in a minute. Up

with your feet. A queen-size bed here. How do

you like that? It's all made up and everything.

There you go. What's the matter? What's wrong?

She gets you nervous? You've been closed up in

a way in that castle too long. You don't know

anything about the wonderful world of teen-age

girls. They're all crazy. Here some. Straighten

that out.

EDWARD:

What is it?

BILL:

Lemonade. I don't know what it is. They reach a

certain age. They develop these gland things.

Their bodies swell up. They go crazy.

EDWARD:

Glands?

BILL:

yeah, glands. I try not to think about it

(Edward drinks lemonade.)

Good. Isn't it?

(Peg calms down Kim.)

PEG:

Now you stay in Kevin's room tonight. Tomorrow

we'll fix your room right.

KIM:

Mom, why did you have to bring him in here?

PEG:

Oh, honey, I couldn't have left him there all

alone. You would have done the same thing.

KIM:

Why does he have to stay here?

PEG:

Oh, my goodness, Kim. I'm surprised at you. He

can't help the way he is. Have a little

sympathy.

KIM:

I do have a little sympathy.

PEG:

Then let's just say hello and later you can

come downstairs and shake his hand.

KIM:

Shake his hand?

PEG:

Well, not literally. Goodness, you scared him

half to death.

KIM:

I scared him to death?

PEG:

Hi, Bill. I just wanted you two to have a

proper introduction. Edward, this is our

daughter Kim. Kim, this is Edward who's going

to live with us.

KIM:

Hi!

(Edward falls on the floor.)

JOYCE:

(to Edward)

Eddie. Thirsty?

(to Kisses)

Kisses, Hush up. Quiet now. I can hardly hear

myself think. Momma's precious little baby

girl.

(to Edward)

Wouldn't you like a nice cool glass of

lemonade?

EDWARD:

Lemonade?

(Vomits)

(Bell rings)

KEVIN:

One chop to guy's neck. And it's all over.

They're the sharpest things in the world. They

can hack through anything. And...

KIM:

I think they look weird. They give me the

creeps.

A GIRL:

You should see the clown in front of Ms.

Peter's yard.

EDWARD:

Kim!

KIM:

Oh, no!

A GIRL:

That's him?

JIM:

He's calling you, Kim.

KIM:

Stop it.

A WOMAN:

Edward, you forgot your cookies.

JIM:

Don't worry, Eddie. She's waiting for you.

A GIRL:

Let's go.

PEG:

Bill, you know what Edward told me? He had

lunch at Jackie's today.

BILL:

Really?

PEG:

She's just had her kitchen completely redone.

BILL:

I'll be darned.

PEG:

New paint, new cabinets, new floors, new

microwave, new Sonnet dishwasher.

BILL:

Yeah, isn't that wonderful?

PEG:

Isn't that something? Jim, didn't you tell me

your mom had her kitchen done too?

JIM:

Yeah, my dad bought himself a bunch of new

toys. Big screen TV, CD players, VCR with four

heads.

PEG:

My goodness sake! I wonder what it's like to be

that rich.

JIM:

No, they keep things pretty much locked up. My

father has his own room for his stuff to make

sure I can't get and use it. He's so cheap he

won't help me buy my own car.

BILL:

Well, he probably wants you to pay for it

yourself. I agree with him. It builds

character. You'll appreciate it more. Speaking

of money, I understand you are not charging for

gardening, Edward?

PEG:

Now, Bill. Margie made him cookies today.

BILL:

Sweetheart, you can't buy the necessities of

life with cookies. You can't buy car with

cookies. Am I right, Jim?

JIM:

Ah, that's true, sir. You can't.

(Edward gives a piece of meat to

Kim's friend.)

A GIRL:

I can't eat that. He used his hands. I don't

think it's sanitary.

(Edward passes the piece to Kim

but drops it in her lap by

mistake.)

EDWARD:

I'm sorry.

PEG:

Honey, you want me to help you clean that up?

KIM:

No, that's okay. I'll be right back.

(Edward begins styling women's

hair and becomes famous.)

HOUSEWIFE:

This can't possibly be my Alexis.

(to Edward)

She looks so beautiful. Look at you. She's

gorgeous. Thank you.

PEG:

It won't be long. She has just to decide on the

style, and then it will be fine. She just has

to decide what style she wants.

JOYCE:

I was hoping for something big and bouffant.

Kind of like mine. Don't you worry , Kisses.

You'll be so pretty. Eddie, is there anything

you can't do? You take my breath away. I swear.

Look at this. Have you ever cut a woman's hair?

Would you cut mine? That was the single most

thrilling experience of my whole life.

PEG:

We're getting the head of the company.

KIM:

I'm home.

PEG:

Hi, honey. We're in here.

KIM:

Hi! What did you do to your hair?

PEG:

Edward cut it. Isn't it wild?

(on telephone)

Hello. Oh, I can't believe I'm talking to you

in person. This is such an honor. Yes. He's

right here. Great. So then you know all about

it. Aha. That's exactly what I've been using.

Well, I've had a little trouble getting it to

the right consistency. Yeah, right. just a

little. I'll try that. Well, what imaginative

suggestions! I sure will. Thank you so much.

Bye bye.

(to Edward)

No wonder she's the head of the company. You

know, she started out as a sales representative

just like me. I've always wanted to talk to her

but until now I never had a reason. Thanks,

Edward.

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