Eight Days a Week Page #3

but I'm putting locks on all the windows.

I don't want Erica pulling another stunt

like she did yesterday.

Man.

I wish you'd give this up, man.

Listen, I'm not so sure I believe

your theory about the a**hole gene.

oh, come on. Look.

I mean, it's everywhere you look.

- Hey, you want a taste?

- Yeah.

That's an isolated case.

All right.

What if I told you that even

our Founding Fathers were a**holes?

What are you talking about?

Take the Boston Tea Party,

for instance. All right?

Even with taxation...

...the British tea cost less

than the colonial tea...

...produced by those guys

like John Hancock and Sam Adams.

No, don't do it!

No!

See, the Boston Tea Party

wasn't a political act.

It was an industrial espionage.

It was a scam by John Hancock

and Sam Adams...

...to put the British out of business.

See?

Even our Founding Fathers

were a bunch of a**holes.

You've got a point.

But I've been thinking about this,

and I got a couple theories of my own.

Shoot.

Well, I think you can tell a lot

about a woman's personality...

...from the shape of her breasts.

What are you getting into right now?

- Take Mrs. Olsen, for instance.

- What have you done?

Her b*obs look like the turret on a tank.

Her mammaries look like they could shoot

a mortar charge, blow you to smithereens.

You can see she has the same

iron-fisted personality...

...that matches her hooters.

you have ever been in your life.

All right, you got a point.

Go on.

Now, take the crazy lady next door.

Now, don't give me the willies.

No, look.

She's got mashed-potato breasts.

Dude, they're so weird.

- Yeah. Right. And she's weird too.

- All right.

But, you know,

you're just giving me easy examples.

All right. Ms. Lewis.

Bosoms like melons that have

been in the store a little too long.

You may be taking a chance,

buying them after the expiration date...

...but if you're lucky,

they might still be good.

She's the same way.

She's a little older,

but I bet she's a good woman.

okay, now, what can you deduce

from Erica's breasts?

I've done a lot of thinking about this.

As you can see,

her breasts are extremely firm.

So taut, you expect the nipples

to blow off...

...like a cork out of a champagne bottle.

I see this as a reflection

of Erica's effervescent, wild...

...life-is-a-party personality.

It's also self-evident that her breasts

are on the small side.

I suspect it's gonna take centuries

for them to droop.

Meaning that she will

always be young at heart.

But here's something that you may miss

upon a cursory glance:

Some women's nipples can become hard

like pink pencil erasers...

...so hard that you could dial

a phone with them, you know?

These women, I suspect, are often more

concerned with the particulars in life...

...like avoiding laying in the wet spot.

But with Erica...

...notice how the nipple merges

almost effortlessly...

...with the areola...

...bringing a softness to her nipular area.

I think this suggests a softness of heart.

I mean, this is a girl...

...more concerned with passion

than particulars.

Am I right?

Matt?

Pete, I gotta go.

Something I gotta do at home. See you.

"I'm really hungry.

Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry."

The only thing I had eaten that day

was Matt's watermelon.

I hadn't eaten all of it

for obvious reasons.

So I was pretty hungry by the time

Nonno snuck out of the house.

Get down.

Nonno, what are you doing out here?

Goal!

Goal! Goal!

- Goal!

- okay. okay.

- Goal!

- okay. okay. Marge!

Your dad thinks

he's in the World Cup again.

I'm not cool enough.

She's never gonna fall for me.

Standing out here

doesn't make any sense, Nonno.

It makes all the sense in the world.

You are trying to make love to a woman.

You must know,

deep in your heart of hearts...

...that people are supposed to make love.

It is our main purpose in life.

All those other activities...

Playing the violin, washing dishes,

reading novels, drinking wine.

are just ways of passing time

until you can make love again.

Then my whole life is passing time.

This is never gonna work.

This Bella, Erica...

...she will fall for you.

Impossible.

Crazier things have happened.

- Let me tell you another story.

- oh, great.

Look at all the trouble

your last one got me into, Nonno.

It is about a young Navy pilot.

He could perform

incredible maneuvers in his plane.

Then, one day, he nearly crashed.

The pilot went to the doctors

and declared his problem.

Hemorrhoids.

A mass of dilated veins in the rectum.

The doctor had them removed.

What's so romantic about this story?

The pilot met this nurse.

Twice a day she would change

his dressings...

...and apply ointment

to his traumatized sphincter.

The two got to talking.

The nurse fell for the young pilot.

Now, if that isn't love,

I don't know what is.

After two weeks, the couple got married.

And if it wasn't for a swelling anus...

...the two would never have met.

Now I don't believe any of your stories.

It's all true.

Ask your mom and dad.

- That was Mom and Dad?

- Yep.

My massive manhood must have been

sapping all the blood from my brain.

That's the only way I could explain

my acceptance...

...of this retarded, quixotic quest.

Hours passed into days.

Nick and I got to know

each other better.

I had time on my hands.

I read the entire

Kinsey reports and found out...

...that 10 percent of all males

attempt self-fellatio...

...and that 0.3 percent actually succeed.

I had plenty of opportunity

to watch the TV of life.

All summer, I never saw Erica

wear the same thing twice.

And for Erica's sister,

Halloween came early.

- Now say 20 Hail Marys.

- Hail Mary. Hail Mary.

My dad couldn't figure out why

his New Guinea impatiens wouldn't grow.

Neither could I.

I had been watering it regularly.

Surprisingly enough,

I earned some extra money on the side.

Since I know you'll

be here all the time...

...I thought you could

babysit Robert tonight.

Hey, lady, did you ever think

that tonight might be the night...

...that Erica and I tried the

"wailing monkey clasping a tree" act?

Erica's father took

a sculpting class that summer.

- What is it?

- It's the baby Jesus.

I figured I'd get a little head start

on our Nativity scene for next Christmas.

Little Jesus look more like an aborted

fetus, but I kept my mouth shut.

Give me my plane!

I took a liking to young Robert.

Give me my plane!

I was his guardian angel.

Sort of.

The next time this guy bothers you,

all you have to do is stand up to him.

All bullies are cowards.

Trust me.

Days soon passed into weeks.

The guy across the street

stopped taking his wife out.

Now he just walks

around the block alone.

I hope she's all right.

On Saturdays, things got a little boring.

"What is the Sea of Galilee called

in the old Testament?"

That's an easy one.

The Sea of Chinnereth.

My turn.

"Was there any money on Noah's Ark?"

- No.

- Wrong.

The duck had a bill,

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