Eight Days a Week Page #4

the skunk had a scent...

...and the frog had a green back.

Listening to Erica's parents

play Biblical Pursuit...

...only strengthened my resolve

to find a way to piss them off...

...and impress my beloved.

I had Giuseppe working on it.

Now pull. And pull.

Some nights were better than others.

All right, ladies, great workout.

okay, great.

But twice a month, I would hear

the most distressing sound I could hear:

The noise of my parents making love.

What's up, Pete?

Hey. Anything come in the mail

for me yet?

Nope.

The guy across the street has found a...

A lady friend.

I'm warning you. Don't do it.

It wasn't until later

that I began to have suspicions...

...as to what the woman

was imploring him not to do.

"Captain Nemo

walked ahead of us...

...and his Herculean companion

strode a few steps behind us.

Conseil and I walked side by side...

...as if a conversation might still be

possible through our metallic helmets.

Already I no longer felt

the weight of my suit...

...of my lead-soled boots,

of my air tank or of my helmet..."

More than half the summer had passed,

and everything still sucked the big one.

I was nowhere near

my beloved objective.

Finally, in August...

...Erica spoke to me.

Peter?

Erica.

Hi.

I was wondering if maybe

you could help me do something.

Anything.

Well, my parents have grounded me...

...and I really wanna

go see Nick tonight...

...so I was hoping you might

help me get down.

okay.

It was against my principles

to help Erica with Nick...

...but this was at least a way

to talk to her.

And in that short skirt...

...I caught my first glimpse of Xanadu.

My God, are you all right?

I'm... I'm fine.

"Never better" was more like it.

- That's how Erica and I began talking.

- I'm so sorry.

Every night she would sneak out

to visit Nick, and I would help her.

And every night, I would find

a new way for Erica to fall on me.

P*ssy Galore.

- And we talked.

- She was like this tough chick.

And there is no doubt about it...

...Roger Moore is by far

the best James Bond.

Roger Moore? Come on.

Everybody knows Sean Connery

is the best James Bond.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Roger Moore is the best James Bond.

My God, what was I saying?

Erica's beauty had more power

over me than I thought.

I mean, for me, Sean Connery

is just way too hairy.

And it really bugs me the way

he talks like this.

"Where's M, Miss Moneypenny?"

Thank God they never replaced

Desmond Llewelyn.

He is so great as Q.

Erica even knew that

Desmond Llewelyn played Q.

Now I know I'm in love.

This may sound crazy...

...but sometimes when I'm depressed that

the world is a really terrible place...

...I find myself sympathizing

with the Bond villains.

- What do you mean?

- Well...

...remember how Curt Jurgens,

in The Spy Who Loved Me...

...wanted to create a perfect society

under the sea?

And in Moonraker,

Hugo Drax wanted to do the same thing...

- ...in space?

- Right.

Well, these guys really weren't so bad.

They were just tired of the war,

the politics, pollution and...

And wanted to change things.

Then this handsome womanizer

who's afraid of commitment...

...pulls up in his fancy sports car

and messes things up...

...just to protect the status quo.

I mean...

...sometimes I wish the world

could just start over, you know?

That's deep.

No, I think the blue M&M's,

they were a good choice.

No way.

I talked to her more in those weeks...

...than I did the previous 14 years

I lived across the street from her.

So if you were to be afflicted with

either of the following, which would it be:

Halitosis or incontinence?

Halitosis.

I figure I could always stock up

on breath mints.

okay, I have one for you.

Would you rather lose your eyesight...

...or the use of both of your legs?

- That's too hard.

- No.

Come on. You have to answer.

Those are the rules.

Probably, I'd lose my eyesight.

Your face is etched into my memory.

I'd always be able to see you,

and with my legs...

...I could still make love to you.

Good night, Peter.

Night.

Hey.

What's up?

You promise you're not gonna laugh?

Sure.

- Come on. You said you wouldn't laugh.

- I'm sorry.

- Can I feel?

- Knock it off.

Look, I was trying to

spice up my love life...

...and my parents came home

a little bit early.

They wanted to talk to me

and ended up searching for me.

So I figured the best thing to do

was just get out of the house.

Here, unhook me.

I don't know how girls do this...

...because this thing

was a b*tch to get on.

Come on.

Yeah, it's a b*tch.

Here. Can you hang on to it

till I can sneak it back in?

And stop smirking.

I'm not the first guy that's tried this.

What does that Kinsey book say about it?

I think maybe you should

give it a rest for a while.

You know, save some for your true love.

Peter, remember that story

we read in seventh grade...

...the one in Scholastic Magazine

about the heroin addict...

...who was so whacked out

that he pulled out his eyeballs?

They said the dude's eyeballs

was hanging down below his knees...

...still attached to his veins

or something.

- Yeah, I remember.

- Yeah.

Well, it wasn't true.

They just printed that to scare us.

Look, it's all propaganda, Pete.

Just like true love is.

You know what?

You and me ain't never gonna find it.

Did you see that 0.3 percent of all males

succeed in self-fellatio?

Have you noticed the guy across the street

never takes his wife out anymore?

No.

Anything come in the mail for me yet?

Remember that weird conversation

we saw him having with that woman?

And she was saying,

"Don't do it. Don't do it."

Yeah.

Hey, maybe the other woman's

his lover, right?

And he says, "I'm gonna kill my wife."

And she says,

"No, don't do it. Don't do it."

You think?

Well, I know if my wife were an invalid,

I'd be that horny.

You're sick.

Come on, Pete, everybody is.

The question is...

...what's he done with her body?

How exactly would you go about...

...cutting up a dead body?

Well, that's a hacksaw.

Me?

I'd use a chain saw.

The next day, little Robert

decided to take my advice...

...and stand up

to the tyranny of a**holes.

Little Robert was all right.

He only needed

40 stitches and two casts.

But I began to wonder whether I should've

tampered with the cosmic order of things.

I was practicing my one-handed technique

when disaster struck.

Nick and Erica had

just come back from the lake.

Unfortunately, Erica's parents

let her out once in a while.

No, come on.

You remember in that one movie.

I mean, that just proves

that Roger Moore...

...is by far the best James Bond.

Erica looked great, of course.

He's all right, I agree he's not bad.

But I nearly hurled

at the sight of Nick in his Speedo.

He was huge!

He immediately makes you think

of the words "Apollo rocket. "

How the hell was I gonna

compete with that?

I was India's space program

compared to his Cape Kennedy.

Hey, you brought the protection, right?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes