Eight Days a Week Page #5

The protection?!

Where were her parents?

Where was Christ's vice squad

when I needed them most?

Come in, Apollo 12.

We have you cleared for takeoff.

Roger that, mission control.

We are ready for liftoff.

We have liftoff in 10, nine...

I had to do something.

I had to abort Nick's trip to Venus.

I did the only thing I could think of.

two, one.

I don't know why this came to me.

It must have been

a word association with "come. "

It seemed to do the trick.

Nick, stop.

Apollo 12, we've had a malfunction.

Abort liftoff.

I had visions

that I could take Nick out...

...with my expert knowledge

of the martial arts.

Finish him!

But that's not what happened.

Towering above me, Nick hawked

the biggest loogie ever.

I trembled,

knowing it was intended for me.

oh, my God.

You stuff.

You stuff.

If you tell anybody, you're dead.

Houston, we have liftoff.

- Dad, what are you doing?

- Having a yard sale.

This is my stuff.

Since you don't live with us anymore,

didn't figure you needed it.

How much for

the Sandy Koufax baseball card?

What, 25 cents?

That's a collector's edition.

It's worth 50 bucks.

Really?

Twenty-five cents and not a cent less.

- Sold.

- Thanks.

Mom.

oh, how much for

the electric toothbrush?

For you, a special price.

- A buck.

- Yeah.

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

Matt, what are you doing?

I use one of these at my grandma's.

If you do it right,

feels just like a vibrator.

Figlio, what the hell are you doing

with your boy's things?

- Dad, they're not his things.

- Give you $5 for this collection of Playpen.

- I give you 6!

- You're not a customer.

- You have no right to sell his things!

- Pages are sticky.

- That's disgusting.

- No right!

- okay, 4 bucks.

- Four bucks?

No, no, no. No!

- You have no right! You...

- All right.

- Papa?

- Nonno?

What's the matter?

Are you all right?

- Papa!

- okay. okay.

Give the man some room. Clear out.

Good old Nonno.

He saved the best trick

in his arsenal for now.

He was so convincing, I almost believed

he was having a heart attack.

- Yard sale's over!

- Papa, speak to me!

- Good one, Nonno.

- Is anyone a doctor?

Please, we need some help here!

- I don't know what we can do.

- What's happening?

What is wrong?

- Daddy.

- He's not breathing.

- What do you mean?

- He doesn't have a pulse.

Somebody call 911.

- Somebody call 911!

- Please call 911!

- Nonno.

- Do it now! Hurry! Hurry!

Nonno.

Tell them you're faking. Come on.

- Are you faking, Daddy?

- Come on.

He's not faking. What...? Faking?

Papa... Papa, speak to me.

oh, no.

I didn't stand under Erica's window

for the next couple of days.

I figured I was allowed.

My dad blamed me

for what happened.

He said if I still decided

to continue with my lunacy...

...he would continue to lock me out.

With an a**hole like my dad...

...I'm surprised I didn't inherit

the a**hole gene.

Is that what I think it is?

Jesus.

I'm getting excited right after

my grandfather's own funeral.

You must think I'm sick.

I just think it means Nonno's spirit

runs strong in you.

Hey. Brought back

your electric toothbrush.

How thoughtful.

You know, it doesn't vibrate as good

as I thought it would. Here, feel.

No, I'm not touching that,

let alone putting it in my mouth.

- I washed it off. I swear.

- Just keep it.

You're just in a crappy mood because you

realize this Romeo act is a dumb-ass idea.

I haven't decided whether

to give this up yet.

Erica was so sweet today,

you could have poured her over pancakes.

But she hasn't given me any indication

that I have a chance with her.

Well, I'll tell you.

The fact that Nick's giving her

the old Roto-Rooter...

...ain't a good sign.

Nonno was the only one

who thought this was a good idea.

Maybe I should just bite the big one

and call it quits.

Bite away, my friend.

Stop it!

Stop it! Stop!

You see?

Nice guys don't always finish last.

You're not gonna give up now, are you?

- Nope.

- oh, man.

Your grandfather croaking

was your perfect out.

I started reading Casanova.

I didn't know he got syphilis five times.

I should be so lucky.

The excitement of the past days...

...had completely lobotomized me to what

was going on across the street until...

...I saw my man carry out

some suspicious bags...

...and put them in the trunk of his car.

A couple of nights later,

I had an unexpected visitor.

It was Ms. Lewis...

...the pretty divorce

from down the street.

Her body was smoldering

like a lit cigarette.

Hello, Peter.

Ms. Lewis.

I was hoping you could cut my grass.

I'm not mowing lawns this year.

I'll make it worth your while.

And...

...you won't have to bag it.

I can't.

What am I to do?

It needs to be cut at least twice a week.

It grows so fast.

She was coming on to me.

I was paralyzed.

I didn't know what to do.

Fortunately, I didn't have to do anything.

She did it all.

I thought, "This might be my chance.

If Erica comes to the balcony and sees me

with another woman, she'll be jealous. "

Stay away from him. He's my man.

Then I had a fear that Erica was

the type of girl who would enjoy watching.

I decided to put my all into it.

If Erica saw how good I was,

she would want me even more.

But I also worried she might be as harsh on

my performance as an East German judge.

What was I doing?

If Erica sees me like this...

...I would jeopardize all

I had worked for all summer.

I had to stop, but Ms. Lewis was

most persuasive.

How could I tell her no now?

I tried to think of anything

other than sex.

What happened?

I don't know.

Maybe now's not a good time.

Perhaps it's...

Perhaps it's because I've been trying

to get this girl to notice me.

Yes, I know.

I know all about it.

It's what makes you so exciting.

I'm sorry.

Hey!

What happened to you?

I tried to become part

of that 0.3 percent.

What do you mean?

Your Kinsey reports.

I tried to suck myself off

and I hurt my neck.

Now I gotta wear this stupid thing.

- Hey, anything come in the mail for me yet?

- Nope.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Something's wrong.

Nothing's wrong.

Yes, there is.

See...

...normally, you would have asked me if I

succeeded in my venture of self-fellatio.

But you didn't ask that.

Well, did you?

I will only tell you

when you tell me what's wrong.

okay.

I succeeded.

- No, you didn't.

- Yeah.

only for a second, though...

...before I snapped something

in my neck.

Did you know it tastes like roast beef?

Which I actually found reassuring.

See, I always thought that

girls must hate giving head...

...but if you think about it,

it's kind of like a trip to the Sizzler.

Come on, tell me what's bothering you.

I'm running out of time.

Erica leaves for college

in a couple of weeks.

I'm beginning to think

this isn't gonna work.

She probably thinks I'm

even more of a schmuck.

Yeah, well, I told you so.

I don't need to hear that from you.

You're supposed to be my friend.

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