Eight Days a Week Page #6

I was just trying to give you

some good advice.

Advice.

Why would I take advice from a guy...

...who broke his neck

trying to suck his own dick?

Because I am enterprising.

There was one thing I hadn't tried yet

to become Erica's love slave...

...and that was impressing her

by pissing her parents off.

Giuseppe had been working on a plan.

We were just waiting

for the right opportunity.

Finally it presented itself.

Erica's father and his friends were

competing for some Easter pageant contest.

One where 12 guys in bed sheets...

...hold a pose of Leonardo da Vinci's

Last Supper for over five minutes.

The team with the best tableau

gets to perform it...

...at the National Cathedral

for the president or something.

Darn it, Phil. You moved.

I couldn't help it. I had an itch.

We were only two minutes

and 13 seconds into it.

We're gonna have to hold it twice that long

if we stand any chance to win this thing.

It's easy for you.

You get to rest your elbows on the table.

Try holding your arms out

like this for five minutes.

- It's not that hard.

- Yeah? Then you try it.

Why do you get to be Jesus every year?

Because I organize this thing.

I'm the leader.

I'm tired of playing Judas

all the time.

Come on, Phil. You make a great Judas.

What is that supposed to mean?

And where do you think

you're going, young lady?

Nick got tickets to Lollapalooza,

so we're going.

Well, don't you remember?

I banned you from going out.

Can't you make an exception

this one time?

No! You're not leaving this house.

Dad, what are you talking about?

This is not fair!

It is time, my friend.

- You're treating me like I'm 10!

- You're acting like you're 10!

Now, I don't enjoy doing this,

but it is my resp...

Let her go, or the baby Jesus gets it.

Peter. Wha...?

I mean it.

I cannot have you desecrate

the baby Jesus.

All right, Erica.

You may go.

Now give him to me.

I'll give him back at the end of the

summer, when Erica leaves for college.

It's not fair you keep her

locked up in here.

Why, you... Get him!

So how do you think Jesus

really feels...

...about having his name

on all those bumper stickers?

So my father's pretty pissed.

Yeah.

You didn't have to do that, you know.

I wanted to.

Thanks.

Well, good night.

What? She only gave you

a peck on the cheek...

...after what you did for her?

I know. What does that mean?

I'll tell you what it means.

It means you ain't never gonna make

the beast with two backs with her, friend.

I don't know.

We've been talking a lot lately.

Yeah, sure. You're in the friend zone.

- Is that bad?

- Bad? It's the worst.

Come on. Girls don't want a friend.

They want a human piston.

Well, maybe I still got a chance at

becoming her "human piston," as you put it.

We're not that good of friends.

Are you kidding me?

You're doing life in the friend zone.

- You think so?

- I know so.

So, what's up with our psycho killer

over there across the street?

Well, I snuck over there the other night

to take a peek at what he was up to.

- He nearly caught me.

- See, I told you. I knew it.

- The guy's nuts.

- I'm not so sure.

Past couple of nights I've seen him take

garbage bags out filled with something.

Bet you he's taking his wife out

piece by piece.

It's a lot of bags for just one person.

Maybe he's taking out

his whole family.

I know I've thought about it myself.

I don't think he has any family.

It's here, man.

- There you go.

- Yes, it's here!

- Look, dude, it's finally here!

- What's finally here?

It's an orgasmatron.

I ordered it in Shaved magazine.

Check it out. See?

It runs on battery or AC.

It's a new era, Pete.

You know they have a name now

for electronic sex?

- What's that?

- "Dildonics."

Pretty cool.

Dildonics.

It kind of makes you sound like a homo.

I never thought of it like that.

Anyway, it's a bold new frontier, man.

I'll let you borrow it any time you want.

That's okay.

Listen, with the way

things are going with you...

...you may wanna consider

my plan of self-sufficiency.

The friend zone had

an incredible hold on me.

I couldn't escape its hellish grasp.

So who would you rather be:

Paul McCartney or John Lennon?

That's obvious. John Lennon.

Yeah, but you'd be dead now.

So what? At least I'd be

the coolest of all the Beatles.

I don't know. He did marry Yoko Ono.

People underestimate Paul McCartney.

He's written some pretty good music.

Like "Ebony and Ivory"?

okay. You're right.

You know, I don't think it'd be so hard

being a songwriter.

- oh, yeah?

- I mean, if you're a novelist...

...you have to come up with

every sentence, every word.

If you're a businessman,

your reports have to be well-thought-out...

- ...with sound financial conclusions, right?

- Right.

But if you're a songwriter, and you can't

figure out how to end a song...

...you just fade out.

It's easy.

Yeah. You're right.

What other job lets you finish it up

by just fading out?

A film director.

So it went on like this.

Maybe Erica was right.

We were just friends.

You never told me. What's the worst thing

your parents ever did to you?

I guess the worst thing

my dad ever did...

...was speak at career day

to my third-grade class.

He talked for over half an hour

about the joys of being a radiologist...

...and then proceeded to treat

the entire class to a chocolate barium.

That's bad.

So, what about you?

It must have been the time I was 5.

My dad and I were at

the Lighthouse Christian Store.

It was January...

...and he was buying Christmas cards.

He always does that.

Buys Christmas cards in January...

...when the previous year's selection

go on sale.

Anyway, I had just learned to count.

So I was always counting things...

...like the number of stop lights

on the way to the store, stuff like that.

When the cashier gave my dad

his change back...

...I had noticed that she'd given him

the wrong amount.

She'd given him too much.

And I looked up at my dad,

and he had noticed too.

But he didn't do anything.

He just took the money

and put it in his wallet, and we left.

It was right then, I guess...

...that I stopped believing

my parents were perfect people.

Well...

...good night, Peter.

Night.

If Erica had lost all trust in her parents,

how could she trust anything?

How could she trust that I loved her?

I was beginning to think Matt was right.

I had tried everything

to win over my beloved Erica...

...but nothing had worked.

Nothing was going to work.

It had only stranded me

in the friend zone...

...like Charlton Heston being marooned

in the Planet of the Apes.

I was so unhappy,

whereas my best bud, Matt...

...had fallen in love with a robot

which gives blowj*bs.

Maybe I was the strange one, not him.

At least he was happy.

My dick! My dick!

Here, you try.

It's silly.

So? It's fun.

It'll make you feel like a kid again.

Now, go on.

That's it.

Go, have fun.

You know,

everybody thinks you're crazy.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes