Eight Days a Week Page #7

So what?

Well...

I mean, you gotta admit,

you do some pretty weird things.

I don't think so.

Well...

...explain why you sometimes

go out to your car and eat dinner.

My car radio gets better reception

than the one on my stereo.

I go out there to listen to my opera.

What about doing your gardening

in a scuba mask?

I love to garden,

but I'm allergic to pollen.

It's the only way I can work in the yard

without having my eyes all tear up.

okay. But admit it.

Cutting your grass

in the middle of the night?

It's a little strange.

With this humidity?

Nighttime's the only sane time

to cut the grass.

What about sitting on your roof

with the telephone?

oh, that.

My best friend, Mabel, lives

just a couple of blocks away from here.

She's going senile,

but she won't admit it...

...and she insists on driving her car.

So when she's coming over to visit...

...I go up on my roof.

I can see her back out of her driveway.

And if she makes a wrong turn...

...I call her on her car phone,

give her directions.

voil.

- It all makes sense.

- Everything does.

Just depends on your perspective.

This is the worst day of my life.

The orgasmatron shorted out on me.

Gave my penis an electric shock.

You didn't like that?

No, you don't understand, okay?

I can't get it up anymore.

It doesn't work.

Just leave it alone for a little while.

I'm sure it just needs a little R and R.

Yeah, I know. I tried that.

I waited all morning

and then tried it again.

It still doesn't work.

I couldn't even get it to go to half-mast.

Hey, what if you're right?

What if a guy only has

a finite number of erections...

...and I've used all mine up?

Well, what are you gonna do?

I do have an emergency plan

for such an event...

...but I'm gonna need your help.

No way, man. It's too weird for me.

Come on, man.

Look, it's nothing like that, okay?

I got some money saved up,

and there's this lady on the boulevard.

Let's just say she's an experienced lady.

For 100 bucks,

she'll do it any way you want.

What do you need me for?

I can't do this alone.

I need you to go with me.

Now, I got 150 saved up.

Hey, we could work a two-for-one deal.

No way.

Come on, man.

I'll even take sloppy seconds.

Just forget it.

I've only got a few days left

to win Erica's love.

Even if she doesn't fall in love with me...

...I've decided to stick it out

until the end of the summer.

That way, I know I've tried everything.

Please, man.

Come on, man. It's an emergency.

I need your help.

I can't.

What kind of friend are you?

I mean, you've spent

our last great summer together...

...standing under

some stupid girl's window.

And do I say a word about it to you?

No, not once.

But then, when I need you...

...in the middle of the biggest crisis

in my life...

...you don't even consider it?

You're a dickwad, you know that?

Yeah. No wonder Erica doesn't like you.

- Take it back.

- No.

No. You know what?

You're a asswipe,

and she's never gonna love you.

- Take it back!

- No!

- Come on!

- Yeah. Take it back.

- No!

- Yeah. Yeah.

Come here.

My neck, man!

Come on, my neck. Get off!

Pretty stupid too, pal.

Maybe I was stupid.

That afternoon, my dad gave me proof...

...that I had inherited

this trait from him.

I had just finished Casanova

and had begun reading...

...the love poems of Robert Browning,

and his wife, Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

She's the one who wrote:

"How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways."

Anyway, it was my parents' anniversary...

...and my father made the mistake

of getting the wrong gift.

I'm sorry, honey.

My dad tried to salvage the situation

by rushing out to the jewelry store.

But that wasn't enough.

When he came home,

he was in for a big surprise.

Honey, come on. Let me in. Please?

Sweetheart?

I got you another present. See?

May I join you?

Guess so.

I always thought

my dad was pretty lame.

What did it say about me

that my dad was using...

...my strategy to win Erica

to score points with Mom?

I hoped my dad would have

more luck with my mom...

...than I was having with Erica.

.He was beginning to get on my nerves.

You ever tried that one on Mom?

No.

How about that?

No.

You've been married 18 years,

you haven't tried that?

Well, that area's a big mystery to me.

I've never been able to figure it out.

Well, no wonder she's so mad at you.

Do you really think she wants that?

of course she does.

You read what the book says.

Thanks, Peter.

Jesus Christ.

Now even my dad was

getting more action than I was.

Hey-ho, Peter.

- What's this?

- This is breakfast.

But I thought that...

Look, I was all wrong about all this.

I'm very sorry.

And here's a copy of the house key.

You can come back inside

anytime you want.

Thanks.

And, son...

...I love you.

You know the sad man

across the street?

The one who pushes his wife around

in the wheelchair all the time?

Well, I don't see her

around there anymore.

Like she's... She's gone.

I've been watching him all summer,

and secretly he's been taking things...

...in and out of the house.

Wait. So you think he killed his wife?

Yeah.

That's bull.

I don't believe that.

Yeah?

Well, why don't you go over there

and check it out.

Because I got better things to do

than prowl around some guy's back yard.

I dare you to go.

oh, I'm not going over there.

- I almost got caught last time.

- I dare you both.

Look, we'll all go.

So we crossed the street...

...to find out what happened

to the man's wife...

...making sure we didn't get run over

by Mister Mays.

- It's locked. Come on.

- Erica, wait.

No, don't open the door. Don't.

It's unlocked.

I knew you'd come back.

You wanna see what's inside?

Wanna see what I've done?

I'll show you what I've done.

- No, no!

- No, man!

You've been waiting all summer long.

- Just relax.

- No, we haven't.

Let's go, Peter.

Come on! We didn't do anything!

This.

This is what I've done.

You built a swimming pool

in your living room?

No. Not just a swimming pool.

I built paradise.

A tropical...

...paradise.

Honey?

- What's going on?

- Nothing, my dear.

Just some guests.

My wife and I...

...wanted to go back to Tahiti

for our second honeymoon.

But then...

...she got so sick.

She really loved the water, you see.

I wanted to build a pool

in our back yard...

...but the city wouldn't give me

the permit in time.

So...

...I built it here.

Ln secret.

For her.

So that my love and I...

...can go back to paradise.

You won't tell anyone, will you?

Where the apple reddens

Never pry...

Lest we lose our Edens Eve and I

Hi.

Hi.

So listen...

...I'm leaving tomorrow.

Where you going?

You're not gonna believe this...

...but I decided I'm gonna go to college.

Right. Good.

Erica's leaving for college too.

Where is she?

She's with Nick. He broke his leg.

- Too bad.

- Yeah.

Lost his football scholarship.

Like I said, too bad.

So I guess I won't be seeing you around.

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