El Camino Christmas

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1

Don't shoot!

Vicente!

Hold your fire!

Hold your fire, damn it!

Mamacita

Dnde est Santa Claus?

Dnde est Santa Claus?

And the toys that he will leave?

Mamacita

Oh, where is Santa Claus?

I look for him because

Shut up.

I know that I should be sleeping

But maybe he's not far away

So out of the window, I'm peeping

Hoping to see him in his sleigh

I hope he won't forget

To crack his castanets

And to his reindeer say

Oh, Pancho! Oh, Vixen!

Oh, Pedro! Oh, Blitzen!

Ol, ol, ol, ol, ol! Santa Claus!

Mamacita

Once again, no snow here, folks.

That's 40 consecutive years

without a white Christmas for El Camino.

- Mm-mmm.

- Boo-hoo, I say.

- There were three?

- They were damn terrorists.

It was so dark, I barely had time

to get to my flashlight.

But maybe he's not far away

So out of the window, I'm peeping

Hoping to see him in his sleigh

I hope he won't forget

To crack his castanets

And to his reindeer say

Oh, Pancho! Oh, Vixen!

Oh, Pedro! Oh, Blitzen!

Ol, ol, ol, ol, ol! Santa Claus!

Mamacita

I'll make sure we do a better job

for you.

Oh, where is Santa Claus?

It's Christmas Eve

All right, Mamacita, I'll go sleep now

Fran, where the hell's Carl?

Right where he always is.

Yeah?

Where were you last night, Carl?

I was out on patrol, as always I am.

That right?

Talbert kid,

cookin' meth in his old man's barn.

Lit himself up.

Yeah?

Well, that kid's always been trouble.

You didn't take any calls last night,

Carl.

Your cruiser's parked

as crooked as it was when I left here.

- Maybe I park crooked.

- Maybe you don't give a sh*t anymore.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I've been serving in this uniform

for 25 years.

Yeah, well, you haven't booked

a narcotics offense in over a year.

In fact, all you have done

is push your weight around.

False arrests, unwarranted searches.

God knows what else!

My situation is being taken care of

by the legal system, and you know that.

There's only one thing I know for sure,

and that's what's in that goddamn cup.

Worse goes on in this town

than some junkie burning down

his daddy's barn.

Afternoon.

Uh, do y'all have any rooms for tonight?

That depends.

How many are you looking for?

Uh, just one.

Just one?

'Cause you said "rooms," plural.

- Yeah, it's just me, so just one room.

- Oh.

One singular room.

We take cash and credit card,

personalized checks

with a validated and unexpired license.

I'll do card.

Well, goddamn.

That's a fancy card.

Where you in from?

Mind if I just get the room, man?

It's been a long drive.

Yeah. Tuckered out?

Declined. This card is no good.

Oh. Telling me to call, whatnot.

Oh, that's all right. I'll pay cash.

Yeah, I still gotta call.

No, it's all right. Here. I'll do it.

You don't wanna sit on hold forever.

All right. You got a point there.

Down by the Wrangler jeans

Whose car is that out there?

This fella's. It's nice, right?

- Yeah, it's mine.

- I need your license.

Here you go.

Eric Norris.

You're a long way from Missouri, huh?

Hmm. What year is that car?

Uh, it's a '70-something.

- Things like trampolines

- I'm gonna put you in three.

Just past two.

If you get to four, you've gone too far.

- All right?

- All right.

I'll hold on to the 100 for incidentals.

Enjoy your stay.

- Yes, I'm a ballerina

- Thank you.

A ballet dancer on her tippy-toes

I said

A ballet dancer on her tippy-toes

We got married in a Walmart

Down by the franks and beans

Killed a guy in Texas

Stole my grandma's Hyundai

Now my face is on a magazine

Makin' love and then just makin' bacon

Wiping down the Foreman grill

Lookee there, over yonder

What are you doing?

Did you make this?

Look at you.

Good?

Children can develop cases of autism

that are not visibly recognized.

They can seem perfectly normal

with only minor anomalies.

You know what I think?

I think he'll talk

when he's damn well ready.

That's not how it works.

In my professional opinion,

your son has developmental issues

on the spectrum.

Everybody's different, doc.

I don't need a test

to know he's perfectly fine.

We all set?

How low am I on the totem pole

to be coveringa handicapped librarian

directing a passion play?

That's nice.

It's like a human interest story,

you know?

School raises $5,000

to help for medical expenses.

It's, like, super sweet.

Yeah, it's sweet.

Always sweet...

for Beth Flowers.

It's definitely my name.

I gotta change my name.

No. Beth Flowers is, like,

a super catchy news name.

It's like Dallas Raines, you know?

That weatherman in L.A.?

He's not even from Dallas.

No. Small market.

Why can't I cover something

with national appeal?

Like, I don't know...

a cult, or...

a government sex scandal?

Yeah.

- Let's hope something like that happens.

- Oh, God. I gotta pee.

Okay.

Have you decided

what you're gonna name that thing?

Is Heather still in the running?

Uh, Heather's too vixen.

Liza or Megan. I don't know.

Suzy's cute. I like Suzy with a Z.

Love Suzy. I knew a stripper

in Cincinnati named Suzy, right?

She did this move, right?

Where she gripped the pole

with both legs.

She was twerking at the top of the pole

and she just dropped down.

We thought she had to go to the hospital,

but she was fine.

- That's what she does every night.

- Don't look!

I'm not looking. I'm talking to you.

You all save room for cake?

No. No, thank you. Not today.

Dessert's a treat, babe.

All right. Take your time.

You know, Momma can't afford dessert

at every meal.

And you don't need any more sugar.

- Everything good?

- Yes, ma'am. Very good.

You don't have to lie.

Is there a grocery store close

or anywhere I can buya couple things?

Next door's got about everything.

How much is this cake here?

$3.95. Worth every penny.

- Can you send a piece to the little man?

- Aw!

No, we said we weren't going to get

any cake.

It's that gentleman right there.

He bought it for you.

There he is, right there.

Look at that.

Got a gallon of Drano right there.

That's a main ingredient in meth.

He's paying cash.

He's got fraudulent credit cards.

Knows dick about his car. Look, Billy,

this ain't brain science here.

It's probable cause.

And that's probably

'cause he's likely up to no good.

Oh, that's for certain.

Mm!

Oh, look at that.

Oh.

Dental hygienist.

We're home.

Yes, you are.

Unless you're my date

and didn't knock.

Where are you? Come here!

What are you so happy about today?

Look at that.

You finished it.

- The itsy-bitsy spider...

- Are you going out again tonight?

Well,

I can't find a man sitting in here.

Tried that already. It only worked once.

You didn't like that cable guy, did ya?

"He sprang to his sleigh",

to his team gave a whistle,

and away they all flew

like the down on a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim,

ere he drove out of sight,

"'Happy Christmas to all,

and to all a good night.'"

No, buddy, it's your turn.

You wanna be a big boy,

you gotta read it all by yourself.

I have to work a couple hours,

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