El Camino Christmas Page #2

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so I'll be back by eight.

Dental hygienist is taking me bowling!

He's anxious to meet the Jewels.

Come on, Ma. I don't ask for much.

Seth's reading. He's not gonna bug you.

Oh, my God, this is short.

Well, I guess we can just hang out here.

Forget it. I'll be back in time

for you to go out.

You got a sexy bowling shirt or something?

- They don't make sexy bowling shirts.

- Well, they should.

Need to spice up that sport.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- Excuse me.

- God!

- You scared the crap outta me!

- Sorry. I didn't mean to...

Well, you did.

The hell are you standing over me for?

- I was trying to get something to drink...

- You hover over people?

Scare the sh*t outta them?

Take it easy, all right?I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What do you want?

I'll take the tequila there.

Please.

It's $26.50.

What were you reading?

I'm studying.

Oh, what for?

What, are you a cop?

Do I look like one?

I go to college in Baxter twice a week.

At night, for your information.

Hmm. What are you studying?

Developmental biology.

Do you want to know my sign, too?

Thanks for the cake.

Yeah. You're welcome.

Why'd you do that?

I was just trying to be nice.

Yeah? For what?

I just think a kid should have

a piece of cake.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Yeah, what?

I'm looking for a Mr. Roth?

- A Mr. Michael Roth?

- No Michael f***er here now.

Get the hell away from my door.

Do you know of a Michael Roth?

What the f*** is the matter with you?

He used to live here. I was wondering

if you had any information about him,

- or knew anyone who did, or anything...

- No, no, and no.

Now, f*** off.

- Hold on a second...

- You wanna break those fingers?

- I can do that.

- I found this letter. It's 15 years old,

but that's the return address.

What are you, stupid?

Nobody lives in this sh*t factory

for 15 years.

All right. I'm sorry to disturb you.

Eh. You took a shot, you know?

You can cross it off your list.

Hey, man. Listen.

There was a guy in here before me.

A veteran type.

I'll tell you all about him

if you buy me a drink.

Come on! Tell you what,

if it wasn't him, we got nothing

to talk about, it cost you a beer.

- I'm good, man.

- It's Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho. Who's gonna know?

Hey. You mind?

- Help yourself.

- All right.

Praise the Lord.He always provides.

Hey, nice ride. What is it, a '71?

That's the year I found

our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,

and the honorable Jack Daniels.

Jack's still with me.

So, what's your name?

Bukowski. My friends call me Charles.

- Original.

- That's me, one of a kind.

Since we're getting friendly,

what do they call you?

Eric.

Where are we going?

While I get my bearings,

you drive, I'll point.

Hey, uh, Tammy.

Two Pabst.

Actually, I'll take a Heineken.

The Pabst are for me.

You order whatever you want.

You're paying.

Uh, Heineken, please.

- You got it, darling.

- Oh, man.

Um... you got any quarters?

- For what?

- The jukebox.

Look, I don't have time for this.

Are we gonna talk?

It's about ambiance.

It's a f***ing holiday.

Show a little class.

Ah.

Here you go.

- Gracias.

- Por nada.

- And gracias. Ah.

- Enjoy.

Oh, man. All righty.

Up on the rooftop, reindeer pause

And out comes good old Santa Claus

Huh?

Down ...

Watch where you're going,

you drunk f***er!

Drunk f***er?

- Sh*t.

- Watch it!

Hey! Settle down!

- Get off me!

- Take it easy. He's drunk.

I got an eye on him.

Everybody settle down.

Ho, ho, ho! Ho! Oh!

Stop. Sit down.

What is wrong with you?

Sh*t.

I feel like, in all that kerfuckle...

I seem to have misplaced my beverages.

Do you mind?

- You sure that's a good idea?

- Not all ideas are good ones,

but they are ideas nevertheless.

Tammy, could you get me another beer?

And maybe get the one

off the jukebox for me?

You got it, babe.

So...

Michael Roth?

- Yeah?

- You said you knew him?

I said I knew a guy

that said he was Michael Roth.

What does that mean?

What does what mean?

The guy who lived in your apartment

before you.

The guy, the guy, um...

When I moved in there,

to that shithole, about six years ago,

literally, that guy was gone

before he moved out.

He was a Vietnam vet.

Oh, yeah? What did he look like?

It was six years ago.

How the f*** would I remember?

- I can't remember what I said to you.

- You have to remember.

- Eric, right?

- You had a conversation with him.

He had hair that grew

out of the top of his head, right?

He was this big, but if I was standing up,

then my hand would be higher.

No, really.

He had a mid skin tone.

The guy spoke English.

- Run with that.

- I'm glad this is a joke to you.

- Am I scaring you off?

- Enjoy the beer.

Hey, Merry Christmas to you.

- What the hell?

- Can we ask you some questions?

About what?

Hot damn! You were right, Carl.

Looks like we got something here.

What's going on here?

Ah, looks like illegal herb.

Wait, that's not mine.

- No?

- No.

- Well, you're in some sh*t now.

- What?

- This is an interrogation.

- Explain this.

My toilet overflowed.

Oh. Why didn't you call the front desk?

That's what a normal person does

when their shitter overflows.

- I was gonna fix it.

- Oh, you're a plumber.

- Cook crystal? See this?

- What?

- This here. This is indisputable.

- No. That ain't mine.

Ain't mine!

Never heard that before.

I gave someone a ride.

- They left it in my car.

- Oh, yeah?

Okay, and who's "they"?

Do you remember his name?

- Charles.

- Charles what?

- Am I being charged?

- You're fixing to be.

This is bullshit.

I want to speak to a lawyer.

Ain't a lawyer within 50 miles of here.

Plus, it's Christmas.

Ah! Oh, sh*t, it is Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Carl.

Shut up.

What the f*** you talking about?

Hey, tough guy.

- Let me ask you something.

- Yeah?

You running meth?

- No.

- Be honest.

- Ow! No!

- Be honest!

Don't know what you're talking about.

Drunk bastard. Stay down!

Get off me, man!

Oh, you think you come in this town,

peddling sh*t, huh?

Getting our kids all strung out?

You are sorely mistaken.

Ease up on him.

- Ease up!

- Shut up, Billy!

- Come on!

- He's running meth, and he knows it.

- I'm not.

- You know you are.

- You son of a b*tch!

- Sh*t!

F***, Carl!

Why'd you do that?

Merry Christmas, you drunk f***er!

F***ing kids.

Merry Christmas, mi reina.

I'm missing you a lot today.

Don't worry about that Pabst girl.

She's a little too rigid for me.

Oh, this damn cooler, man.

Cabrn!

Sh*t.

No, no, seor.

Cooler's out again?

I tried that trick that you do.

I almost killed myself.

- Well, you need a lady's touch.

- Thank you, Katie.

- Okay, I'll be there in an hour.

- An hour?

My beer will be piss in an hour.

Okay, okay. I'll be there soon.

Oh, you should ask for a raise, baby.

You want something in life,

you gotta growl for it.

Or do something more illicit.

I am waiting for the day

you tell me I'm adopted.

Well, you keep on waiting, sweetie.

Uh-uh!

That's for Dennis, honey.

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