Ellen DeGeneres: The Beginning

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Ladies and gentlemen,

please, welcome Ellen Degeneres.

Thank you, thank you..

Thank you very much.

Yeah, woo...

This is a very emotional night for me,

you have no idea, ehm

or maybe you do now.

This has been quite a journey for me and...

to lead to this night, because

since I made the decision

to come out three years ago...

Easy for you to say, yeah...

My life has been very interesting

the last three years.

And I knew people would maybe

want me to talk about it,

some people may not want

me to talk about it,...

and I went back and forth trying

to decide should I talk about it or not

Ultimately I've decided:

NO, I don't want to talk about it.

It has been talked about enough...

How can I even, what would I say?

I feel it would be best expressed...

through interpretive dance...

"HEY EVERYBODY, I AM GAY!"

So, that's what happened...

It is interesting, because...

being down there, and I know a lot of

people have been down there,

it doesn't matter,

what the reason is,

and it is a very symbolic thing,

it's a mental thing...

when you are down there,

there are times,

you do not believe you will

ever... ever get up again.

It's a scary place and it's very dark...

But I believe that is

when you grow the most,

when you face your fears.

That's when you grow.

So I have decided,

I am gonna face every fear I have.

I am gonna challenge myself

every opportunity I get.

People always try to

make you feel better:

There is nothing to

fear but fear itself.

OK, great, now I am scared of fear,

thank you very much, wasn't before.

I also decided to get rid

of the need of approval...

That is a strong addiction,

need of approval, isn't it?

I am on a patch right now actually,

it releases a small doses of approval,

until I no longer crave it,

then I'm gonna rip it off.

Cause if I make that decision

to get back on the stage,

I thought I cannot worry,

what people think about me.

There are things that need to be said

that I will say... I will...

I know, a lot of people

don't want me to say them,

cause people think once something has stayed

a certain way for a certain amount of time,

leave it alone, don't change it.

But I think, things need to change...

and I will point them out to you tonight

I will say these things.

For instance:
Do we

still need directions

on the back of a shampoo bottle?

Oh yeah, I've said it...

Whose shampooing for the first time?

Anybody?

And if you are, you can't read anyway.

You're like a wild crazy ape person

that has been raised in the wild

by monkeys or wolves

or something nurturing that would raise ya.

Reptiles won't raise you,

they don't even raise their own young,

Don't expect them to raise you.

Those monitor lizards don't

even look that dangerous,

but those tail'll whip around,

slapping your head and break your neck.

So if you are in the wild,

try to catch the eye of a monkey

or a wolf or something like that...

Don't look them directly in the eye,

that is threatening to them actually...

Just sideways, if you walk next to them,

and kinda glance...

Actually, if you are lower,

that is even less threatening... just...

Don't smile, if you show your teeth,

that's also threatening.

So say some hikers find ya...

you know...

That is a big find; if they

find a crazy wild ape person,

they're gonna bring you back

to civilization certainly.

But they're not gonna

just throw you in the shower

and expect you to know

how to shampoo your head...

They're gonna shampoo your head for you...

And then you would mimic that.

That is how you survive so long in the wild

by mimicking things...

So who needs the directions

on the back of a shampoo bottle?

And it is not bad enough

there are directions,

there is a

0800 number on the back.

In case the directions are

too vague for you.

Rinse and repeat,

but how many times?

To be the only thing to be more pathetic

than calling the 0800 number

is working at the 0800 number.

Alright, let's go through this again,

shall we?

Right...

I am gonna stop you,...

did you wet your hair first?

You're welcome...

That's my job.

Thank you...

Thank you for holding?

It's about the size of a quarter

in the palm of your hand?

No, can't be two dimes and a nickel...

No, can't be three nickels and a dime.

what, cause it can't spread out

that way... that's why...

then you just rinse and repeat...

Oh my...

How old are you?

You should repeat seven more times then.

What a fascinating story...

What did you survive on?

Nuts and berries or what?

Wolves? MY GOODNESS...

And they just nuzzled you?! Aaaw...

No, I can't help you

with the conditioner,

you're gonna have to call

that line on your own.

I'm fascinated by animals...

all of nature fascinates me..

You ever watch ants?

You have the kind of time like me?

It's for a while there.

It's interesting,

because if you watch them...

they're always in that long

single-file line, if you notice that...

They're always in that single-file line,

they don't have to be...

There are no lanes painted for them

they were forced to stay in...

They can go anywhere on the ground

that they wanna go,

but they stay in the line.

Don't you think,

there has got to be the one ant,

that a**hole ant in the back,

just filled with road rage back there,

just... "Common, let's go!"

You've ever noticed,

sometimes an ant will pick up a dead ant

and walk around with that dead ant

carrying that around?

That's to get into the car-pull lane

to pass up that line.

I'm pretty sure.

And we kill them like crazy...

Just any kind of way,

we can kill ants, we kill them...

orange soda, any kind

of liquid will do... just kill 'em...

cause the smaller something is,

the easier it is for to kill it, cause...

we don't see their little expressions

right before we're killing them...

It's true, we'll just kill anything..

Fly gets into the house..

kill it right away! Kill the fly!

What's wrong with us?

What is the matter with us?

We've named them, they're called

HOUSE flies,

that is their name.

They know, where to be...

You don't see a horse fly

trying to get it in there...

they're on a horse sw,

they stay on the horses...

Flies are amazing, they are inside...

They're flying all over the place until

they find a mirror, you noticed that?

They find a bathroom mirror and

they are there for about an hour...

they don't move...

I think, it is cause they think,

they've found another fly.

They're having a conversation

with that fly:

Thank god, I thought I was alone...

You look very familiar.

I am very attracted to you...

You're a good listener..

OK, here is the deal:

I think there is an open window, you

go tell the other flies

we've have found a house, I'll wait

here...

Go, I'm gonna wait here...

Alright, I'll go...

Hey, you wait here...

Don't come with me!

Are you mocking me?

Stay very very still!

There comes that human!

Finally, she's gonna read that

Greenpeace newsletter.

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