Elling

I've always been a mommy's boy.

I was an only child, as my mother.

We enjoyed each other's company.

No one ever came to visit.

But when mother died, they came.

Total strangers, that wanted to

talk to me about my life.

Didn't they have their own lives to talk about?

It is generous of the Norwegian

government to supply a place -

- for people who are in a...

hectic phase in their lives.

But I just wanted to be left alone.

I hated that the institution insisted we open up.

Talk about mother and me and our

intense two-ness through 40 years.

My roommate was an orangutan

who only cared about women and food.

I'm not thrilled about being here either.

I'm almost 40, and I've never f***ed.

You have half your life ahead of you.

I have half my life behind me, live in

a nuthouse, and have never f***ed.

- It's overrated.

- Is f***ing overrated?

- You get tired of it.

- I'd never get tired of f***ing.

I've never had many friends.

None, actually.

But it became clear that Kjell Bjarne

needed a... spiritual guide.

I was third mate on a cruise ship.

Came to a brothel in the Caribbean.

With naked chicks?

I impressed the Negresses so much

that they forgot to charge me.

Holy sh*t!

Kjell Bjarne liked my stories so much

that he shared them with Gunn.

- Elling has lied to you, Kjell Bjarne.

- Lied?

- Aren't you in Bandidos?

- I'm not exactly a member.

- The chick you f***ed on a motorbike?

- All lies.

You're just jealous, Gunn.

Eventually things settled down.

The lady on that tropical island

that rubbed you and herself in with...

Oil? Another lie.

I don't give a sh*t.

- Do you mean that?

- Sure. As long as you tell it again.

Kjell Bjarne never shared

another story with Gunn.

And after two years the Norwegian

government decided -

- to give Kjell Bjarne and me our

own welfare apartment.

Bye.

In the center of Oslo!

From there we are going to

attempt a return to reality.

Yes? Where to?

Kjell Bjarne and I are of course going to Oslo.

One way?

Are there different ways?

The quickest way to Oslo.

We are going to be met by

social worker Frank Aasli.

You work for the government too.

Are you generally nice people?

130 kroner each.

It cost 25 kroner when mother

and I took the train.

- That must have been 30 years ago.

- It was.

Come on, Elling.

Elling!

Hey! Elling and Kjell Bjarne?

The merry travelers.

Are you... Frank Aasli?

- Do they have hot dogs here?

- How was your trip?

- What's your name again?

- Frank Aasli, Kjell Bjarne!

- And you are a social worker?

- That's right.

- Are you married, Frank Aasli?

- Yes.

- Is she nice, Frank Aasli?

- Nice enough. Call me Frank.

- What's her name, Frank?

- Kjell Bjarne!

- Does she have any girlfriends?

- Kjell Bjarne!

Come on. Third floor.

Relax. This is your home now.

Either of you have a cigarette?

It's up to you to prove you can live alone.

Shop, cook...

Answer the phone.

Prove that you can live normal lives.

If you fail, there are plenty of people

waiting for this apartment.

- Isn't there any food here?

- No. You have to get it yourself.

Down the street to the left.

Ill come around and check on you.

I like good plans and fair deals.

And you each get your own bedroom.

Elling?

This is your room.

And you go down here, Kjell Bjarne.

Now put down that damn luggage!

- Is this my room?

- Great, huh? Your very own room.

Here's my phone number. But remember,

I have twelve people to care for.

Just like Jesus. He also had

twelve people to take care of.

Let's get something to eat.

On the county's dime.

Come on, Elling. The county is buying us dinner.

We just got here. Why go out

just to eat some lousy food?

To celebrate your new home.

Why not celebrate our new

home in our new home?

- We don't have anything to eat!

- Elling can buy us some food.

I've always had two enemies:

dizziness and anxiety.

Right around the corner.

They follow me, wherever I go.

Come on, you hippo!

I'm fine.

I'm fine, Frank. Just fine.

This is social worker Frank Aasli.

Have a slice, Elling.

You have to eat something.

No thank you.

No one can order me to eat, Frank.

You didn't move here to

sit and stare at the wall!

I expect you to go out again.

Fine, Kjell Bjarne.

Now it will be just like at the institution, Elling.

- I want to listen, Elling.

- Sure, but not to that.

There is only one station:

The Norwegian state station.

- Do you have a picture of your mom?

- Thought we could decorate.

Decorate with your mom? Hardly!

If my mom showed up, I'd throw her and

my f***ing step dad out on their asses!

Your mother gave birth to you, fed you,

washed your clothes.

Not my mom.

- Haven't you ever wanted to kill her?

- Why would I want to kill mother?

How about your dad? Was he nice?

Father died two weeks before I was born,

but I think mother liked him.

- I'm hungry, Elling.

- The store is out the door to the left.

Well done, Kjell Bjarne!

This is the best damn food

I have ever tasted.

NORWAYS FORMER PRIME MINISTER

Mother handled practical matters at home.

I was in charge of ideology.

The Norwegian Labor Party was an

excellent judge of right and wrong.

It's your turn to shop.

You haven't been outside once!

I have done other things.

And who eats all the food, anyway?

We should go out, like Frank says.

Go somewhere with chicks.

I've said it before: Women like clean,

shaved men, not 14-day-old sweat...

It hasn't been 14 days. Ten, max!

That's the last time I go shopping!

Wrong number again.

Elling?

Kjell Bjarne?

Are you in there?

Why don't you answer the phone?

It must be broken.

I've dialed again and again.

It doesn't work.

Shape up, boys.

You have to stick to our deal.

If this is to work, I have to be able

to reach you by phone.

Kjell Bjarne...

Fine.

We'll just have to practice again.

- I have to organize my toolbox.

- No, you are both coming with me.

When the phone rings, you pick up

the receiver and say hello.

Elling first.

Let's pretend it's ringing.

Ring. Ring.

Answer the phone.

- Answer, Elling.

- Pick it up and say hello.

Come on.

Come on, Elling.

- Hello?

- Hi. It's Frank. How are you?

- Pick it up!

- Hi, I'm thirsty. Likewise. Bye.

Great, Elling. One more time.

Mother handled all our phone calls at home.

Your mother is dead. This is your home now.

You have to answer.

Say something, Elling.

Talk, Elling!

It's not natural to talk into a plastic gizmo

to someone you can't even see!

You need to get out more among people.

Why have an apartment if we have

to leave it all the time?

If you don't do as I say, you won't

have an apartment at all.

Elling, maybe we should go out like Frank says.

No women are going to come here

if they don't know we live here.

We don't have to go out to

meet women, Kjell Bjarne.

Frank deserves credit for teaching

us how to use the phone.

I just love sex! I'm sitting here

playing with myself. Touch my tits...

Four thousand kroner!

It's your choice: P*ssy talk or apartment?

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