Elsa & Fred Page #2

- Okay? Thank you.

- Drive off in a heat.

Mom...

Two lousy headlights, and then,

"my mother is an old lady."

You could have kept that

one to yourself, dear.

- Please, I was just saying that...

- If that woman parked her car

right next to me, right up against me,

what has my age got to do with it?

I mean, if I was 20, would that

mean she wouldn't park there?

When she calls with the bill,

I will tell you the exact amount.

Now, I'm going to leave

the check blank, okay?

- You just fill it in and give it to her.

- I don't know where she lives.

- Isn't she the new neighbor?

- No, that's her father.

Okay, so, all right. Give it to him.

- What's he like?

- I don't know. I've never seen him.

Hello?

I called three times already.

Why weren't you picking up?

- Because I knew it was you, dear.

- Thanks. Are you okay?

Oh, peachy.

All right, look, your neighbor's

daughter called with a quote for the car.

- $1,500.

- $1,500?

- Wait, well, let me speak to them.

- No, no, no. No. Let it go, okay?

Just write the check and forget about it.

Oh, and not this coming Sunday,

but the following Sunday is Carla's

birthday, and I'm telling you now...

Since when have I ever forgot

my granddaughter's birthday?

- Since last year.

- Well, I was away.

I had something to do. I don't remember.

Two Sundays from today.

I'll pick you up at 9:00. Write it down.

...cooperation are enormous.

And of course, I very much

appreciated the chancellor's views

on the financial situation in Europe,

which we agreed could not be allowed

to put the global

economic recovery at risk.

Oh, hello.

Mr. Barcroft, you got company.

- Good morning.

- Good morning. Yes?

I'm Elsa. I'm Elsa Hayes. I live in

apartment A, right around the corner.

Frederick Barcroft.

- ...join with Germany and our NATO allies...

- Could you turn that down a tad?

...in their political and

economic efforts to...

- What can I do for you, Mrs...?

- Hayes.

I'd like to give this check to your daughter,

and you can call me "Elsa."

Oh, yes. The car.

Yes, my daughter told me.

You know, it's rather excessive,

you know, $1,500.

I'm sorry, what are you implying?

Well, two headlights

should not cost $1,500.

You know, I could feed my grandchildren

for a month, or maybe two, on this.

Five children and widowed father,

and unemployed.

- Your daughter passed away?

- No, my daughter-in-law.

She was so beautiful.

Taken very, very young.

And I try to help as much

as I can, with my pension.

Of course, there's April.

April's the youngest,

and she had meningitis as a baby.

She'll never walk.

Well, I'm sorry. I had no idea.

Well, how would you?

Is this your wife?

Yes.

She's... beautiful.

- Is it true that she's no longer with us?

- That's correct.

Well, I'm a widow, too. 27 years.

- And you?

- Seven months.

The first year's the most painful,

but you'll get over it.

I'm already over it.

We hated each other.

Well...

Now, if you need anything,

you call me and I'm right next door.

Yes, I already pay a lady to

ask me if I need anything

and to hear me say that I don't.

I don't think you don't need anything.

Everybody needs something.

Okay.

Well, I promised to take

April to the pediatrician.

Well...

that is a calloused, mean, old man.

Ma'am...

- He said to give this back to you.

- Yeah?

He said you can pay him the

money when you have it.

He said that grandchildren are

more important than a car.

Well...

that's very generous of him,

but I can't accept it.

Ma'am, if I was you, I'd take

it before he changes his mind.

Yeah.

A bear with angel wings.

Artichoke with a tender heart.

A porcupine... with the

sweetness of a panda.

I'm going to the store.

Anything you'd like in particular?

Yeah, to be 30 years younger and

have a prostate the size of a peanut.

- Thank you, Laverne.

- Okay, I'll check it out.

See what they can do.

- Poor man? He's sick.

- No, he ain't sick.

Then why is he in bed all day?

I don't know. He's tired.

No, no. Something must be done,

because you can't just let a man just...

him... cast himself out like that.

Well, I tried, but you know,

he's kind of stubborn.

Stubborn?

Oh. That's a challenge.

So, did that old lady across the

hall ever give you the check?

Nope.

Really? Because I spoke

to her son about it.

She gave me cash.

That is strange.

I mean, I thought it was going to be really

hard to get money out of that old bag.

And you were wrong.

Count it.

So, to what do I owe this visit?

Everyone all dolled up to the nines.

Well, we just wanted to

see how you were doing,

and see how you were

getting along with Laverne.

Well, was an entire convention really

necessary to find out how things

were going with Laverne? I mean,

you could have called me and said,

"How are things with Laverne?"

And I would have said, "Fine."

- Come on, Dad.

- Jack...

What makes you think

you can call me "Dad"?

I mean, you've been in

the family for 15 years.

Even you should have understood

by now that I'm not your father.

Okay, Dad.

There is... a business

that we'd like get into.

I'll explain.

Fred, I want you to imagine

a big warehouse

and the rights to launch an

awesome product into the market.

Ladies and gentlemen...

"Never ever lose" glasses.

For the absent-minded.

Also...

They're indestructible.

But with this...

found them.

And just till you lose

the remote control.

Is there a remote control

to find the remote control?

Good question.

And a handy, convenient chain...

to wear around your neck

so it stays with you always.

Well, why can't we wear our glasses

around our neck and cut out the middleman?

Well, Dad, we wanted to know if you might

want to invest some money in the idea.

And we'll do all the work.

You just have to sit back

and collect your fat dividend

at the end of the year.

How much will it cost me?

$60,000.

Talk to him. Talk to him.

- Hey, Dad. Your hand hurt?

- No, no. No, no.

You know, Dad, I've never

asked you for any help.

I know that. You're asking

help for your husband,

whom you know I love as

much as sciatic nerve pain.

- Yeah, well, I really love him.

- Well, that is a complete mystery to me.

Well, I know it might seem strange

to you, Dad, but when I'm with him,

I just feel like...

I'm not afraid of anything.

But you should be afraid of

exactly that, being with him.

He's so sleazy.

Well, it's not just us

that we're asking for.

There is Michael, his future.

Yeah, all right, all right,

all right already. I'll think about it.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, and by the way,

it's not $60,000. It's $90,000.

What do you want?

- Who let you in?

- Mom gave me the keys.

No, of course. Anyone can come

into my house as they please.

- It's a seaport.

- Sorry.

No, no, no, no. You're all right.

You can stay.

Oh, boy, do you stink. Whoa. God.

Smell that? I'm becoming a man.

Listen, Grandpa, Mom sent me...

Don't tell me you've come

here to take me out.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes