Elvis & Nixon Page #7

So, my boys were telling me

something like a concert.

A telethon. A television special.

No, sir.

I want to go undercover.

Undercover?

Yes.

You want to be an actual...

I'm sorry, you want to what?

I want to be an agent-at-large.

You see, if I can get

a Federal Narcotics badge

it is my belief

that I could protect this nation

from sliding into anarchy.

Well...

I...

Let's say I could infiltrate

a band or a hippie commune,

as a spy or a double agent,

something like that,

only disguising myself as one of them,

hiding my own true feelings.

Yeah, I'm not sure how...

Let's say The Rolling Stones,

or the Grateful Dead

or maybe even the Black Panthers.

Heck, I could probably slip

from one group to the other

without even being detected.

And then, just when they

let their guard down,

I'd bust 'em.

I'd bust 'em all.

Of course, I would have to be

so deep undercover

so that no one would know it was me.

But in order for that to happen, nobody...

I mean nobody, can know

about this on the outside.

Just a select few.

You, of course, Mr. President...

And maybe Mr. Hoover.

How much longer is this going to take?

Is there any way we can speed this up?

You want me to tell the President

of the United States to speed it up?

How long does it take

to get to the airport?

With holiday traffic?

An hour. An hour and a half.

Sh*t.

You got somewhere you need to be?

You could say that.

I'm supposed to be meeting

my girlfriend's father for dinner.

I'm going to ask him if I can marry her.

Yeah. Right.

When I first started working at the

White House, the guy that hired Chapin

told me something I'll never forget.

He said, "Everyone should get married

at least once. "

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, in our line of work,

the only ones with marriages intact

are the ones in front of the camera.

And half the time those are just for show.

When you work on the world's biggest stage

you gotta choose.

You know, I got in a motorcycle accident

a couple years back in L.A.

A gossip columnist broke the story.

"One of Elvis' buddies

gets in a motorcycle accident

"and breaks his pelvis.

"Good thing it wasn't Elvis. "

Yeah. I carried around that article

in my pocket for years.

Because it was the first time

that me and him

were actually mentioned

in a magazine together.

I was actually proud.

So sad.

You know, I got a flight to catch.

I'll make you a deal.

Yes, sir.

We're both realists.

One hand washes the other, right?

I'll get you your badge.

And we'll have you meet with Hoover

and he'll do whatever he does

with all the undercover business,

and so on and so forth.

- Yes, sir.

- And in return for that...

- Yep.

- Please, Elvis,

may I get an autograph for my Julie?

My pleasure.

And...

A picture.

Well, sir, I don't know

how I can be undercover...

We won't release it to the public.

Elvis, please. Help me out here.

Friend to friend.

I'll tell you what, Mr. President.

I'll take that picture

if you'll take the time to meet my friends.

It sure would mean the world to 'em.

Where are they?

- Right outside.

- Well, let's get them in.

Krogh!

Three, two, one...

Now I believe

Elvis would like to get his badge.

I'll make the call right away,

Mr. President.

Gonna get my badge, Mr. Cougar.

Had to slam The Beatles to make it happen

but they'll never know.

I have to go. I'm sorry, they already

said I won't make my flight.

Jerry, you gotta stick around

and see me get sworn in, man.

- I'm sorry.

- ... arrange for Mr. Presley to be sworn in

at his hotel room at 3:00.

Would 3:
00 work for you, Elvis?

That would be just fine, Mr. President.

Elvis. I'm leaving.

Don't you want to see this badge?

Mr. President.

Could you excuse us for one moment?

Okay.

Mr. President.

Jesus, Jerry, you're embarrassing

the hell out of me, man.

What gives?

- A badge.

- Yeah.

I get it. You want a badge.

Congratulations. You got it.

But now I gotta go home.

Well, let me ask you something, Jerry.

What exactly are you rushing home for?

My life. Charlotte.

I'm going to ask her to marry me.

Jerry, that's fantastic.

- Yeah.

- That's fantastic, man.

Hey. Hey, I'll tell you what.

Charlotte likes horses, right?

I'm going to call her up

and give her the good news myself.

I'm gonna buy you guys a ranch

right outside Memphis.

You know you don't need to

buy my friendship, right,

'cause I am your friend.

I don't need your cars

or your rings or your mansions.

I love you, E.

Not the thing.

The person.

But I have to go home.

Okay?

Yeah, I get it.

You know you got this, mister.

Excuse me, Mr. President?

How long does it take you

to get to the airport?

Well, I don't...

The motorcade can get us

to National in about seven minutes.

There we go then.

We can set my guy

up with that, right, chief?

He needs to get back to his girlfriend,

you know how it is.

We absolutely cannot have a civilian

in the transport...

Chapin, shut up.

It never hurt a man

to bend the rules a little bit.

Yeah? Get this one

an escort to the airport.

I'm done with that.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

- By all means.

- Thank you.

I'll walk you out, man.

Pardon me, Mr. President.

What in the good God is going on?

- I don't know, sir.

- Jesus Christ, get me Henry.

Yes, sir.

I have to make a classified call...

- Maybe you could...

- Yes, sir. Yes.

Thank you.

What are you, a f***ing potted plant?

You really are a six, Jerry.

Sixes can be tenacious

in achieving their goals.

Stubborn, until they become

deeply attached.

In which case they are a devout slave

to those they love.

They also make friends

more easily than any other number.

With the exception of five.

That's dead-on.

What does it say about eight?

Oh, boy.

Eights are invariably misunderstood.

Can be quite lonely at heart.

A deep and mercurial nature.

Great spirit of individuality.

And can play an important part

on life's stage.

Although one that is usually fatalistic.

Or as an instrument of fate

in the lives of others.

Merry Christmas, six.

Merry Christmas, eight.

Yeah, well, I can't make that decision

until there's evidence...

I've got to go. I'll call you back, Henry.

Well, it has been a pleasure, Mr. Presley.

And it's a great thing to know

that we have allies

in the entertainment community.

You made the right choice, sir.

And I swear, I will do whatever I can

to uphold the law, Mr. President.

Well, it means a great deal to us

that you're so willing to lend a hand.

Thank you, Mr. President.

And now, as a small token

of my appreciation,

I would like to present you with a gift.

Sonny?

Those dudes took it, boss.

Those rent-a-cops out front.

- You mean the Secret Service.

- Yes, sir. They got it.

They've got his gift.

Would you go find it, Chapin,

and bring it back?

Yes, sir.

Mr. President, you know any karate?

No. I have to admit

I don't know any karate, no.

Well, it's not just about self-defense.

It's about self-control.

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