Entertaining Mr Sloane Page #2

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- Dead, is he?

No! He was murdered.

- On the unsolved crime list he is.

- A murderer not brought to justice!

(Tuts) That's a sobering thought.

Why can't they find the murderer?

Didn't they advertise?

Yes, they took a piece in the local paper.

- How long ago was all this?

- Two years.

(Exhales)

Do they have any clue

to the murderer's identity?

(Dadda) He was a young man

with a very smooth skin.

Is he a small man your boss?

Yes.

Wavy hair.

- Wore a tweed tie.

- What was his profession?

He was a photographer.

Specialised in views of the river.

- You were employed in his service?

- Yeah. General handyman.

We gave the murderer a lift

on the night of the crime.

Oh, you saw him, then?

Ooh, I saw him, all right.

Why didn't you go to the police?

Oh, I can't get involved

in that kind of case.

I might get my name in the papers.

Yes, I see your point of view.

They won't find the killer now.

I should very much doubt it.

- (Clicks tongue) Scent's gone cold.

- Yes.

Hand me over them flowers, will you?

- What's this? What's this?

- We have met before!

- I've never seen you.

- On my life I remember.

- Your eyes aren't good.

- I can still identify you.

- Identify me?

- If it was necessary.

- How could it be necessary?

- It might be.

Do lay off. You couldn't identify

herring on a plate!

Don't you speak to me like that, sonny,

or you'll find yourself in trouble.

Get on, you old prat!

I'll have somebody to you!

You'll see if I don't!

Why don't you shut your mouth

and give your arse a chance?

- (Dadda grunts)

- Ow!

You bleeding maniac! Me leg! Me leg!

- You provoked me!

- I shall be in a wheelchair for life!

Oh, you cow! I'm covered in blood!

What happened? What happened?

Did he attack you?

- Mm.

- He's never shown signs before.

It wasn't intentional. I was provoked.

- (Groans)

- ls there pain?

Are you hurt bad?

He's got an artery.

I'm losing pints. Oh, Christ.

I thought he was further off.

I can't judge distances!

You lean on me, Mr Sloane.

- You'll be better off in the house.

- Sorry!

Catch those cakes

before they go down the drain!

He ought to be in Colney Hatch.

He's a slate off! Throwing things about.

Dadda? Dadda, get the Dettol out

of the fridge and put it in some water.

Make yourself useful.

- (Blows)

- (Bird coos)

(Woman) Dadda!

- Er, something to eat?

- No.

Dadda?

- I can't apologise enough, Mr Sloane.

- He's a maniac.

No, he's much better usually

with strangers. You lie there, dear.

There we are.

Gently. That's it, Mr Sloane.

Is that better? Oh, good.

(Sloane) I did nothing to antagonise him.

(Woman) Dadda? Dadda!

Oh, dear. He's got slower and slower.

He'll be here in a minute I expect.

Are you all right?

(Sloane) Oh!

There's blood running on your settee.

You'll have a stain. I can see it coming.

Wait a minute. Here we are.

I... I was going to make a blouse of this,

but there isn't enough.

I'm quite eminent above the waist,

as I expect you've noticed.

I think I'm gonna spew.

Yes, well, I'll just get a cloth

to bathe the wound.

Just a minute.

Er... Here we are.

- Ah!

- Go and sit in the kitchen.

You've caused enough damage for one day.

It was his fault!

He was nearer than I thought!

And don't go eating anything

while you're out there.

Oh, what a lovely pair of shoes.

Oh, Christ! Oh, Christ!

I wonder, Mr Sloane,

if you'd take your trousers off.

I do hope you don't think

there's anything behind the request.

I had the upbringing

that a nun would envy.

And that's the truth.

That's it.

You lift up and I'll pull them off.

Do you know,

I was more familiar with Africa

than I was with my own body,

till I was 15.

That's why I'm so pliable.

Ooh! Attacked you from behind, did he?

Never mind. There we are.

- Ow!

- Ooh! Is that tender?

Oh!

You've got a skin on you like a princess.

Better than some of those tarts you see

prancing about on the telly.

Funny, though.

The hairs on your legs are dark.

- Eh?

- Attractive, though.

- Dark?

- Mm, you being blond.

- Oh, yeah.

- Nature's a funny thing, isn't it?

There we are.

That's better now, isn't it?

Not too tight?

- (Sloane) No, it's OK.

- Oh.

I've been doing my washing today.

I haven't got a stitch on except my shoes.

I'm all in the rude under this dress.

I only tell you

cos you're bound to have noticed.

No, no!

Don't move.

- Give your blood time to steady itself.

- Is this one of yours?

(Woman chuckles)

Yes, I wondered where I'd left that.

Long, isn't it? You seen 'em?

Long, elegant legs.

I could give one or two of 'em a surprise.

Mind you, my look is quite different

when I'm in private.

You, er... You can't see

through this dress, can you?

I've been worried

for fear of embarrassing you.

- Whoa!

- Ooh!

(Chuckles) Ooh!

Mr Sloane, don't betray your trust.

- I just thought...

- I know what you thought.

You wanted to see if my titties

are all my own, didn't you?

You're all the same, you men.

Did you call?

I-l thought I heard you call.

Did you call?

Get back to the kitchen!

Mr Sloane is only now recovering

from your previous maraudings!

I thought I heard you cry out.

You'll cry out

before I've finished with you.

Oh, well, if that's the way of it...

I must apologise for the Dadda, Mr Sloane.

He's not been the same

since he went on the new pills.

He knows no restraint sometimes.

You're the one to watch. I can tell.

(Chuckles)

Ooh, you'd have me naked on the floor

given half a chance.

Rolling about!

(Chuckles)

Ooh, if my brother was to find out...

Would you like to go to bed?

It's only half-past three!

Yes, but you've had a shock.

You need a rest.

- I'll bring your supper up to your room.

- All right.

Er, that drawer's my medicine chest. Do

help yourself to the occasional aspirin.

- Er, what about my, erm...?

- Oh, the Dadda will fetch those.

I'm going to sponge these.

There's a little nick in the material.

I can mend that for you.

There.

- Dadda!

- I suppose you didn't call then either.

That's quite enough. And turn your face

away. Mr Sloane has no trousers on.

- On you go up, Mr Sloane.

- Which is...?

It's the door on the left.

Now I want an explanation

of your eccentric behaviour.

- Yes, Kathy.

- Don't you "Kathy" me.

Well, he upset me.

I've seen him before.

You've seen the milkman, but there's no

cause to throw the garden shears at him.

- It wasn't the shears!

- Never mind.

You go and get Mr Sloane's suitcase!

(Sighs)

(Horn honks)

Oh! Dadda! Dadda!

(Tyres screeching)

(Brakes squeaking)

(Engine revs)

(Tyres screeching)

Dadda!

(Chuckles) Dadda!

It's me!

Dadda!

Why don't you speak to me?

Why don't you speak to your

only begotten son, you old tvvank?

Bastard.

(Bicycle bell rings)

Dadda!

All right.

Where's he going now? Where are you

going on the wrong side of the road?

Bollocks!

Silly old sod, you!

What the hell do you think

you're doing down there?

All right.

You awkward sod! I'll have ya!

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