Entertaining Mr Sloane Page #3

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(Tyres screeching)

(Car approaching)

(Horn honks)

(Chuckles)

(Son) What? What do you mean?

Who told you to take in lodgers?

Well, I needed a bit extra.

You know what they say

about landladies.

They say they'd sleep with a broom handle

in trousers. That's what they say.

I'm not like that, Ed.

You're good-natured, though.

They mistake it.

I can't have my sister

keeping a common kip.

Some of my associates

are men of distinction.

If they realised how my family carry on,

I'll be barred from the best places.

How old is he?

He's young-

These fellows sleep

with their landladies automatic.

Has he made suggestions?

Suggested,

er, you bring him his supper in bed?

It's what they do, you know.

Then take advantage.

Mr Sloane is superior to that, Ed.

Where did you find him?

In the library.

Picked him up, did you?

He was having trouble with his rent.

His landlady was unscrupulous.

Where is he?

He's upstairs resting.

Hm.

Ed...

Eddie.

If you send him away, I shall cry.

He's got no mama. He's an orphan.

I'm to be his mama, Ed.

Don't let me down again, darling.

Mr Sloane wouldn't do wrong.

He's cultured. He's informed.

Hm. Huh.

(Tuts)

(Sighs)

Had the trousers off him already I see.

Can't leave you alone for five minutes.

Eddie! Ed!

It'd crease me if you misbehaved again.

(Clock chimes, knocking on door)

- Come in.

- I've been, er...

- Oh, Mr Sloane.

- That's me.

Er, look. I've come up

to apologise for my sister's behaviour.

She's not in the best of health. She's...

Well, I wouldn't say she's unbalanced, no.

That'd be going too far.

She suffers from migraine.

That's why it'd be best

if you declined her offer of a room.

- Oh, yes?

- Huh! Oh, yes.

What is all this laying in the dark?

Got a headache or something?

- Yes!

- I'm not surprised!

Fresh air's what you need.

There's no good playing for sympathy

with me you'll find.

I've heard all this

you've been telling my sister.

About you being an orphan and everything.

Oh, well, it must have been

a rotten life for a kid,

being an orphan and everything.

Mixed home was it?

Just boys.

Ideal.

How many to a room?

- Eight.

- Really?

Same age were they or older?

Hm, the ages varied by a year or two.

You had your compensations then?

(Chuckles) Keep you out of mischief, eh?

(Both chuckling)

Yes, well, as I was saying, the fact is...

Well, perhaps I was wrong.

I just felt that my sister was,

er, taking on too many responsibilities.

She's a charming woman, as a rule.

Charming.

No hesitation in saying that.

She, er, lost her husband.

And her little kid.

Tell you, did she?

She mentioned it in passing.

What did she say?

Said she married young.

Yes.

She married a mate of mine.

A valiant man.

We were together in Gib.

In the Navy?

Are you interested in the Navy then?

Sailors, uniforms, training ships.

Garrison towns, et cetera.

(Clicks tongue) Yeah.

- Married?

- No.

Wise man, wise man.

- Girlfriends?

- No.

No, you're a librarian.

No!

- Oh, that's what she said...

- No!

I help out at Len's, the tobacconist,

just on Saturdays.

- Oh, I see.

- He's a mate of mine, Len.

You might have chanced across him.

He was a sailor too.

Lifeguard at the baths one time.

Nice chap.

Fond of swimming, are you?

Oh, I like a plunge now and then.

Body building.

Body building, soccer.

Pole vault.

Long distance. 100 yards. Discus.

(Exhales) Putting the shot.

Relays. Hammer.

Javelin.

Hurdles.

My word.

Yes, I'm an all-rounder.

Great all-rounder.

Anything you care to mention?

Nothing I like more than a good, erm...

(Smacks lips) ...workout.

(Chuckles)

Yeah, I used to do a lot of that one time.

With my mate.

We used to do all that,

what you just said.

We were young. Innocent too.

(Sighs) All over now. Ah!

Developing your muscles, eh?

(Chuckles) And character.

So, well, well,

you're a little body builder, are you?

I bet you are. (Chuckles)

- Done any, er, wrestling?

- On occasion.

Look.

- Got a full chest.

- Hm.

(Sloane) Narrow hips.

Me biceps are, er...

Do you, er, ever wear leather?

Leather next to your skin?

Leather jeans, say? Without, er... Huh...

- Er...

- Pants?

(Chuckles) Get away!

Ah, question is are you clean living?

You may as well know

I set great store by morals.

Too much

of this casual bunking-up these days.

Your back-alley knee-tremblers.

Too many lads being ruined by birds.

I don't want you

messing about with my sister.

Oh, I wouldn't.

- Have you made overtures to her?

- No.

- Would you?

- No.

- Not if circumstances were propitious?

- Never.

Oh, does she disgust you?

Should she?

Would be better if she did.

She does a bit.

Women are like banks, boy.

Breaking and entering

is a serious business.

I'm a law-abiding citizen.

(Both chuckling)

I might let you be my, er, chauffeur.

- Would you?

- Hm.

(Chuckles) We'll see, we'll see.

- I could get you a uniform.

- (Exhales)

Boots. Pants.

Guaranteed no imitation leather jacket.

White, brushed-nylon T-shirt.

A little leather cap.

Like that, eh?

Yeah.

(Chuckles)

I'll have a word with my sister.

(Door opens)

(Ed hums)

(Door closes, smacks lips)

(Clicks)

(Ed) Picked a nice lad there. Clean.

Don't take any money from him. I'll pay.

He's gonna work for me.

Can I buy him a shirt?

He can buy his own clothes.

Making yourself look ridiculous.

Well, when it's Christmas, Ed,

can I buy him a little gift?

No. Well, I've got to go.

I shall have a light meal,

take a couple of Nembutal and bed.

I shall, er, be out of town tomorrow.

Oh, Ed!

- Where?

- In Aylesbury.

I shall dress in a quiet suit.

Drive up in the motor.

The commissionaire will spring forward.

There in that miracle

of glass and concrete

my colleagues and me will have a quiet

drink before the business of the day.

- Are they nice your friends?

- Mature men.

- No ladies?

- What are you talking about?

I live in a world of top decisions.

We've no time for ladies.

Ladies are nice at a gathering, Ed.

They add colour and gaiety.

We don't want a lot of half-witted tarts

frightening everybody with their clothes.

Perhaps you'll invite me

to your hotel one day.

- (Ed) I might.

- Is it exquisitely furnished? High up?

(Ed) Very high. I see the river often.

(Groans, mutters)

Ooh!

Persuade the old man to speak to me.

I can't, Ed.

I can't do anything with him.

I'll get my lawyer to send a letter.

If it's done legal, he'll prove amenable.

- Be a good girl.

- Bye!

- Bye!

- Bye-bye, Eddie!

(Brakes squealing)

(explosion)

(Dadda chuckles)

Time for beddy-byes.

(Dadda) I was enjoying that.

- It's only rubbish.

- I like it.

If you're so anxious for something to do,

why don't you speak to your son?

Dadda, you are so selfish sometimes.

Ed has invited me to his luxury suite.

A waitress comes in with tea.

Speak to him, Dadda.

Never. I'm not signing nothing.

Oh, you are so unkind.

If you don't speak to Eddie,

he won't ask me to his suite.

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