Entertaining Mr Sloane Page #4

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I haven't been feeling well lately.

Me eyes are getting worse.

Without a word of a lie,

you're like a little child.

On you go. Up to bed.

- Nearly finished, Mr Sloane?

- Mm.

Perhaps you'd care

to join me in the lounge later.

I have some urgent knitting to do.

(Slurps)

(Belches)

A boy like that shouldn't be expected

to live with the rougher elements.

Do you know, Dadda, he got a skin on him,

the like of which I never felt before.

His story was so sad.

I wept when I heard it.

I'm all alone, Kath.

Don't be so silly. You've got me.

He may take you away.

- Where to?

- Edinburgh.

- It's too cold.

- Or Bournemouth.

You always said

you'd go somewhere with palms.

I would always consult you first.

You might put me in a home.

Would you be tempted?

Don't be so silly.

In the morning you'll feel different.

Yes.

(Groans) You don't love me.

I do. I never stopped loving you.

Ooh! I'm going to die, Kath.

Oh, I'm dying.

Not surprised.

Half a jar of pickled onions you put away.

Don't come complaining to me

with your tummy ache.

- I've got no sympathy for you.

- Good night then.

Oh...

Do you know, I feel quite depleted.

I think I'll turn in early tonight.

Oh, there you are, Mr Sloane.

One does like to keep the smells down

to a modicum, doesn't one?

Enjoy your supper?

Lovely piece of ham, wasn't it?

Lovely.

- Isn't this room gorgeous?

- Yes.

That vase come from Bombay.

Have you any interest

in that part of the world?

I like Dieppe.

(Chuckles) Oh, well, I suppose

it's all the same, really, isn't it?

I don't suppose they even know

the difference themselves!

- Are you quite comfortable?

- Great.

There we are. Wait a minute.

- Is that better?

- Mm.

Oh! Ooh, Mr Sloane.

I fear this light's showing me up.

I blame the manufacturers, you know.

They make garments so thin nowadays,

you'd think they almost intended

to provoke a rape.

(Chuckles)

You're a teaser, ain't ya?

(Chuckles)

Would you like to see my snaps?

I was going to show you the letter

written by my little boy's father.

I treasure it above all else.

I lost it, though.

Now, there you are.

- (Sloane) Is that him?

- No!

That's Eddie. That's my lover.

Oh, it does bring back memories.

He, too, was handsome,

and in the prime of his manhood.

Is it any wonder I fell?

I wish he was here

to love and protect me now.

Oh, that's me.

Taken ages ago.

I was younger then.

Smart.

My hair was always a feature.

Oh, don't think I can show you this one.

- Let's have a look.

- No, no.

(Chuckles) Ooh! Ooh!

- (Sloane) What's that?

- Well, that's a seat.

Erected in memory of Miss Gwen Lewis,

a lady who took a lot of trouble

with invalids.

Just near that seat

that my baby was first thought of.

What, on that seat?

(Chuckles) No, not exactly on that seat.

Just nearby.

- In the bushes?

- (Chuckles)

Oh, Mr Sloane!

Oh, he was so rough with me.

He was... He was so thoughtless.

I couldn't describe my feelings.

I really couldn't.

Ooh! Oh, you knocked all my snaps down.

I don't know what I'm going to do

with you, Mr Sloane.

Surely I don't.

I don't think the fastening on this thing

is gonna last much longer.

Mm.

You should wear more clothes, Mr Sloane.

You're as naked as I am,

and there's no excuse for it.

You got no vest on, have you?

- No.

- (Chuckles)

I need to be loved, Mr Sloane.

Oh, who can resist

love's impulses, Mr Sloane?

Who can foretell

where it's going to strike?

Ooh!

Why should we be ashamed,

Mr Sloane?

It's bigger than both of us, Mr Sloane!

Oh, Mr Sloane,

say words of love to me,

words that every woman

wants to hear.

(Grunting and muttering)

Oh, Mr Sloane, lost in love.

Lost in a frenzy of passion.

(Groans)

Stay with me, Mr Sloane.

I'll be your mama

and you'll be my baby.

Ooh, Mr Sloane,

no sooner had I seen you,

than I knew the touch of your hand

would send hectic thrills

tingling through my every...(Groans)

Speak words of love to me, Mr Sloane,

those tender words that

every woman wants to hear.

- (Sloane) Oh, Christ!

- What do you say?

Oh, lost in love!

Lost in a frenzy of passion!

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, what a heavy baby you are, Mr Sloane.

(Moans) Oh, I should be so ashamed

in the morning. Ooh!

Breakfast in bed

That what he said

he'd like to begin with

Him with the smooth skin

With the blank eyes

And it's surprising

how it's progressed from there

Dare I hope

Given rope enough

You'll be dope enough to marry me

We'll see

We mustn't complain

Every now and again

He will make it plain

He appreciates the pains

We're taking

Making him feel at home

So we sweat and we strain

Entertaining Mr Sloane

Cleaning the car

Duties which are his

And that's for certain

Dirt on his white curtain

Little hands

One understands him, yes

He's an orphan lad

Bad he's not and he's got a chance

Ah, but what's the chance

he fancies me?

We'll see

But we mustn't complain

Every now and again

He will make it plain

He appreciates the pain

We're taking

Making him feel at home

And we sweat and we strain

Entertaining Mr Sloane

One pickle left

And that great hefty shoulder

it nicks it

Sticks it down

his biscuit-coloured face

And it's disgraceful

he should be living here

Queer, that's it

He's a pretty DOV

It's a pity DOV

It's you or me

We'll see

But we mustn't complain

Every now and again

He will make it plain

He appreciates the pains we're taking

- (Horn honks)

-(Mouth) Come on!

Making him feel at home

So we sweat and we strain

Entertaining Mr Sloane

(Gate squeaks)

Quite comfortable, are you?

(Kathy) 000-000!

(Smacks lips, chuckles)

Ooh!

- There we are.

- What you got in the pram?

It's my gnomie-pomie.

Bad weather damaged him.

His ickle hat come off.

Had to take him up the gnomes hospital

to be repaired.

Why's Eddie mending the car?

I was on the beer last night.

Me guts is playing up.

- Oh, poor boy.

- No, don't.

We have to make allowances for you.

You're young.

We toured the nighteries in the motor.

Is Eddie with you?

No, he was too tired.

Had a hard day yesterday.

Don't knock yourself out, will you?

Me and Mr Sloane was just discussing him

to come and give you a hand.

- He has to conserve his strengths.

- He's not taking advantage, Ed.

(Crackling)

You... you are a lovely colour, you.

Pink with a touch of blue

around your lips.

You're getting overheated, Ed.

Mr Sloane, feel his head.

He doesn't want to feel my head!

Hm! Petrol's down a bit, innit?

You ought to get yourself a new car.

It eats petrol this.

I see a woolly in B0yce's, Mr Sloane. I'm

gonna give it you as a birthday present.

What do you want to do that for?

Come on, boy. Come and sit by me.

We've got to be off. You drive.

(Engine starts)

Getting as fat as a pig she is.

- Is she?

- She ought to slim. I'd advise that.

She's 42 and she's like a sow.

Well, she is my sister.

- She's not bad.

- No?

- Do you know what I fancy right now?

- What?

- How about going swimming?

- Swimming?

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