Entertaining Mr Sloane Page #5

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What sort of tomfoolery is that?

- On a weekday.

- Just...

Strip off and... plunge in.

(Slurps)

(indistinct chatter)

- Oh!

- Ah!

Why can't they look

where they're going these women?

Have you seen 'em? Look.

They can't call that swimming.

How could anyone swim

with those great things dangling down?

It stands to reason.

The aerodynamics are all wrong.

No wonder they have

to give them a start at the Olympics.

- Put this stuff on me back.

- I don't want that muck all over me.

Oh, go on. Give us a rub.

(Eddie exhales)

Ah, this stuff smells

like a knocking shop.

- Do it yourself.

- Hm.

The way these birds

treat decent fellows...

Hope you never get serious with one.

What a life.

Backache. Headache.

Or her mum told her never to

when there's an "R" in the month.

- It turns me up.

- Ah, you're too sensitive.

That's right.

I just don't give a monkey's fart.

(Screams)

(Laughter)

What's, er, your opinion of the way

these women carry on?

I feel, er...

- How would you say?

- Don't you think they're crude?

Occasionally, in a way.

All the same, it's...

...necessary.

Now you're talking

a different subject entirely.

It's necessary, I grant you,

occasionally.

But it's got to be kept within bounds.

I can deal with them,

the same as you. Hmm.

On the main points we agree I'm sure.

I have a certain amount of influence,

if you understand.

Friends with money.

They could be a help to a lad like you.

I, myself, am the possessor

of two bank accounts.

I generally spend my holidays in places

where the bints

have got rings through their noses.

Does that, er, impress you?

Yes, I'm impressed, Ed.

So, er...

You didn't, er, use my car

last night then?

Car?

Me?

That's all I wanted to know.

So long

as you're telling the truth, boy. Hm?

Hmm.

Yeah, you've got an honest hand.

Square.

- What a grip you've got.

- I'm improving.

Yes. You've grown bigger and bolder

since we met.

Don't grow too bold, will you?

Eh? (Chuckles)

No fear of that, Ed.

(Tyres screeching)

(Car radio plays pop music)

(Tyres screeching)

(Gas-PS) My teeth!

(Clattering)

Hm.

(Watering cans clattering)

(Whistles)

(Bellows)

(Mutters)

(Mumbles)

(Clatters)

(Exhales)

Mr Sloane?

Mr Sloane!

Do you know it's almost four o'clock?

Mama's been very worried about you.

(Drunk) We've been out on the town.

Thorpe, Beck, Doolan and me.

I do hope you've behaved yourselves.

- The soul of discretion. Brrrr!

- Oh!

(Katy mutters)

We ended up at a fabulous place.

Soft music.

Pink shades.

Lovely atmosphere.

(Exhales)

(Singsong) One of the hostesses

gave me her number.

Told me to ring her.

Take no notice of her, Mr Sloane.

She might not be nice.

She might be a party girl!

You know...

...you're developing

distinctly possessive tendencies.

(Belches) Oh...

- Mama can't be possessive...

- Oh, oh, oh.

Never heard of a possessive mum?

(Blows a raspberry)

Oh, Mr Sloane! That's rude!

Did she teach you to say that?

You're spoiling yourself in my eyes,

Mr Sloane!

Don't know why

you want to bother with these girls

when you have your friends for company.

- They're boys!

- Well...

You can speak freely with them.

Not like with a lady.

- Perhaps she's after your money.

- I ain't got any.

- Will she make you ill?

- Oh, shut it!

Make me ill!

- Girls do.

- (Exhales)

You disgust me, you do.

Sitting there without your teeth.

- You disgust me.

- My teeth, Mr Sloane...

Since you mention the matter,

which a true gentleman would hesitate...

(imitates Kathy)

Which a true gentleman would hesitate...

Are in the kitchen in Stergene.

Unlike some who are careless

with their dentures,

I allow mine a good soak

almost every night.

(Chuckles, exhales)

- Do I really disgust you?

- You horrify me.

Think I'm kidding? I'll move

out of my room if you don't watch out.

- No!

- I'll just clear out!

No, Mr Sloane!

Don't think of such drastic action!

Oh, Mr Sloane, I should never

forgive myself if I drove you away.

I won't say anymore. It's just I...

I was upset and I need comfort.

(Sniffles)

Are you still disgusted?

A bit.

Sorry, baby.

- Better?

- Hm-mm...

Stay with me, Mr Sloane.

Bleugh!

Er, I was just wondering

if you'd got the evening paper in there.

See, I can't sleep for the noise.

I thought I'd catch up on world events.

Here!

All right! All right!

I want to sleep now.

(Groans)

- (Breathes heavily)

- (Door closes)

(Muttering)

Oh, Mr Sloane!

(Groaning and giggling)

(Grunting and groaning)

Come on.

- Come on, Mr Sloane.

- I don't want to!

- Why? Come on.

- I feel awful.

Never mind. It'll be lovely.

('Engine spluttering')

(Engine spluttering)

(Squeaking)

- (Eddie) Kath!

- Yes!

Oh!

Where was he last night?

Mr Sloane?

He was watching telly.

Programme where everybody

had to guess everybody else's name.

He used the car last night.

- No, he never.

- He used the car last night.

He's a great help to me, Ed.

I shall have to take a sedative

if he goes away. He's my baby.

I'll find an older man for you.

More maturity.

If you send him away, I shall cry.

Like the time you took my real baby.

You were wicked then. Being rude.

Ruining my little matey.

Teaching him nasty things.

That's why I sent it away.

You're not doing rude things with this

little kiddie, are you? Like with Tommy.

I never wanted to do rude things.

Tommy made me. He pestered me all summer.

You're a liar!

He never wanted

to have anything to do with you.

He told me that.

Yes, he did. He wanted to marry me

and his folks was against it.

Marry you? Huh!

You're a ridiculous figure and no mistake.

Oh, Mr and Mrs Albian Bolter,

they was quite ready for you to marry him.

No, they wasn't cos I was poor.

I couldn't fit in with

the social background required of him.

His duty come between us.

They wanted you to marry him!

Tommy and me had our first set-to about it.

No, Tommy loved me.

Forget it!

Well, he sent me

that letter that I treasure.

I burnt it.

(Church bell tolls)

It was his last words to me.

Never mind all that.

I'm not having this kiddy going

the same way. That's for certain.

What's, er... this?

It's, it's a lady's lipstick, Ed.

Yours?

It was in the car

your Mr Sloane didn't use last night.

(Siren wails in the distance)

I'll get him.

I Him with the smooth skin

I With the blank eyes

Ed!

Ed!

- Dadda.

- Eddie! I want a word with...

With you.

Dadda!

- Dadda! What's come over you?

- (Groans)

ls all forgiven after all these years?

Oh, don't kneel to me.

I forgive you.

- I'm the one to kneel.

- No, no!

Pat me on the head. Pronounce a blessing.

Forgive and forget, eh?

- I'm sorry and so are you.

- No, it's about him.

- Hm?

- What's his background?

- What do you know about him?

- Why?

- Do you like him?

- One of the best.

- He comes to my room at night.

- I don't believe it.

I'm telling you. I can't sleep for worry.

He comes in

and stands by my bed in the dark

without his pyjamas.

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