Entertainment
How's everybody feeling?
Now, if you would like
to wander,
please feel free to do so,
um, but be very careful
for potholes and snakes
that may occur anywhere.
And any other areas,
like the fuselage areas,
please be careful, but by
all means go ahead and wander.
What's the difference,
what's the difference
between Courtney Love
and the American flag?
It would be wrong to urinate
on the American flag.
Ooh, yeah.
What do you get...
What do you get
when you cross Sir Elton John
with a saber tooth tiger?
I don't know, but you better
keep it away from your ass!
All right, so this is
a fun crowd.
We got some other gags here,
gang.
Why don't rapists...
Why don't rapists eat
at T.G.I. Friday's?
Well, it's hard
to go out and rape
when you have a stomach ache.
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
Can you answer for me, did this
used to be a Days Inn?
I really don't know. 'Cause I-
I was swearing
I was here, uh...
in 2005 or something,
and it was a Days Inn.
Hi, sweetheart. It's Daddy.
I'm in the desert,
and it's beautiful.
It's hot, but,
but it's beautiful.
And, um, today
I took a tour of an airplane
graveyard they have out here,
and they got every plane
you can think of:
737, 747, jumbo jets.
And you just walk
right into the planes.
And, um...
I, uh, I will talk
to you again soon.
Good night.
Why...
Why?
Why did Madonna feed her infant
baby Alpo brand dog food?
Well, she had no choice,
that's just what
came out of her breasts.
Eww.
Yeah...
Okay, so this is a fun crowd.
Why...
Why did E.T.,
the Extra Terrestrial,
love Reese's Pieces so much?
Well because they have
the same flavor that cum does
on his home planet.
Yeah, right.
Why...
Why did God
let John Denver die?
Because you suck.
Come on.
How we doin' for time?
Time's up.
It's a rhetorical question
weirdo, huh?
Speak your complaints into a
man's penis, not into thin air,
because I'll tell ya,
these hardworking imbeciles here
that paid their money
to come here
and forget their problems
for one night,
and they didn't pay to listen
to you, huh,
and your garbage talk.
You're not
a professional comedian.
You're a professional loser,
huh?
You're a professional fatso!
What's your problem?
Jesus Christ, can't you
just sit there with a smile
splattered on your stupid face,
huh?
Laugh your fool head off,
but shut your fool mouth!
- Neil!
- Hey.
Cousin John.
- Hi, John.
- How ya doin'?
- Good.
- I made it out.
It was great.
Really great stuff. Funny.
Thanks for coming to the show.
Yeah, I was like, this'll...
this'll shock 'em.
Yep.
I don't know how you
remember all that stuff.
Yeah, it's a lot of stuff.
If it was me,
I'd just be:
Uh...Yeah.
That one guy,
he was out of line.
That was...
Yeah, they should...
They should have security or
something to take him out
because it just makes it hard
for me to do my job.
- Exactly.
- It makes it...
People are paying money
for me to do my job
and then he does that
and then it just...
It just ruins the night
for everyone.
- Yeah.
- You know, it's...
- Just doin' my job, you know.
- Right.
You're out there,
you're doin' your job.
Just trying to make
a nice night for people.
Yeah. You're the star,
he's in the audience.
You shut him up good thought.
Yeah. Well, he's just a drunk,
you know?
That's a lot... That's...
That's what we do in
this business really is sell...
We're selling alcohol,
you know.
That's why they will book me
in a place like this
is to sell more alcohol,
you know.
They should have a...
They should have security
and take him out,
but they don't have security,
then I have to be
the security...
and try to get them to leave,
you know?
Which shouldn't...
It's not part of my job,
but it's become part of my job,
so, you know.
It shouldn't be my job at all.
Right.
It is a customer service thing,
though, you know.
Like, these people are here,
they're payin',
if you weird us out too much...
I mean, I loved it,
I thought it was very funny,
it was great.
You're up there,
puttin' yourself out there,
but, I mean,
from a business point of view,
if you want my,
that's what I do,
I consult about business,
and for you, I'd say
a strategy would be consider
a little less of the weird
stuff, like "semen," that...
Some of the people were like,
"Whoa! Did he just say semen?"
But others liked it, so...
Yeah, I don't care. Like I said,
I thought it was great.
You're up there,
you're puttin' yourself out...
Yeah.
Yeah, if you wanna
appeal to, like,
all four quadrants, you know,
like all the different groups...
age groups...
- Mm-hmm.
- You know,
"semen" and all that
is a little bit much.
Hello, sweetheart. It's Daddy.
Just, uh, checking in.
Um, you're probably asleep.
It's pretty late, but I got out
of the club pretty late so...
But, um, yeah,
everything's going great.
So I just wanted to, uh...
to check in with you and, um...
I'll check in again.
And, uh...
Um...
Talk to ya later.
Welcome to
California oil country.
California started producing oil
in 1876.
We have produced about
28 and a half billion barrels
of oil since.
Visualize asphalt and
the oil is stuck
between the little grains
of sand and gravel, okay?
So, if you...
See we're not exactly
in the Garden of Eden here,
you know, but you've gotta go
where the oil is,
and Kern County, uh,
because of its, uh,
you know, archaeological past,
happens to have
70, uh, oil fields
just within an area near
the size of Massachusetts.
And, of course,
if this looks familiar to you,
it may be because in 1970
they filmed Five Easy Pieces
with Jack Nicholson and
Karen Black out in this area.
Now, I'm not much
of an impersonator,
but the classic, uh, line
is in the diner.
And I don't know if you remember
it or not, but he says,
"All right, let me make
this easy for ya, okay?"
I want an omelet, plain,
and a chicken salad sandwich
on wheat toast.
Now, no butter, no mayo,
no lettuce,
and a cup of coffee.
"Now, hold the chicken."
Oh!
Like that, what I just did?
Was it funny?
You like f***in' clowns, huh?
Yeah, you like f***in' clowns,
look at that hair.
Well, that was more
than I expected.
Oh, yeah?
Yep. Crowd was a little dry.
- But, uh...
- All right.
Sorry.
You're lucky.
All you got's glasses.
Why did Carrot Top,
legendary, legendary, legendary
Vegas comedian Carrot Top,
prop comedian Carrot Top,
legendary prop comedian
Carrot Top,
legendary Vegas prop comedian
Carrot Top...
Why did Carrot Top,
legendary Carrot Top,
refuse,
absolutely refuse
the pleading requests
of the topless Playboy playmate
who was naked in the jacuzzi
with him?
Because she was begging him
to shoot himself in the head.
I'm just trying
to earn a living.
Come on, people, these are...
These are great jokes.
We traveled a long distance
carrying these jokes
in order to bring them here
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"Entertainment" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 25 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/entertainment_7691>.
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