Entertainment

---

How's everybody feeling?

Now, if you would like

to wander,

please feel free to do so,

um, but be very careful

for potholes and snakes

that may occur anywhere.

And any other areas,

like the fuselage areas,

please be careful, but by

all means go ahead and wander.

What's the difference,

what's the difference

between Courtney Love

and the American flag?

It would be wrong to urinate

on the American flag.

Ooh, yeah.

What do you get...

What do you get

when you cross Sir Elton John

with a saber tooth tiger?

I don't know, but you better

keep it away from your ass!

All right, so this is

a fun crowd.

We got some other gags here,

gang.

Why don't rapists...

Why don't rapists eat

at T.G.I. Friday's?

Well, it's hard

to go out and rape

when you have a stomach ache.

Thank you,

ladies and gentlemen.

Can you answer for me, did this

used to be a Days Inn?

I really don't know. 'Cause I-

I was swearing

I was here, uh...

in 2005 or something,

and it was a Days Inn.

Hi, sweetheart. It's Daddy.

I'm in the desert,

and it's beautiful.

It's hot, but,

but it's beautiful.

And, um, today

I took a tour of an airplane

graveyard they have out here,

and they got every plane

you can think of:

737, 747, jumbo jets.

And you just walk

right into the planes.

And, um...

I, uh, I will talk

to you again soon.

Good night.

Why...

Why?

Why did Madonna feed her infant

baby Alpo brand dog food?

Well, she had no choice,

that's just what

came out of her breasts.

Eww.

Yeah...

Okay, so this is a fun crowd.

Why...

Why did E.T.,

the Extra Terrestrial,

love Reese's Pieces so much?

Well because they have

the same flavor that cum does

on his home planet.

Yeah, right.

Why...

Why did God

let John Denver die?

Because you suck.

Come on.

How we doin' for time?

Time's up.

It's a rhetorical question

weirdo, huh?

Speak your complaints into a

man's penis, not into thin air,

because I'll tell ya,

these hardworking imbeciles here

that paid their money

to come here

and forget their problems

for one night,

laugh their fool heads off,

and they didn't pay to listen

to you, huh,

and your garbage talk.

You're not

a professional comedian.

You're a professional loser,

huh?

You're a professional fatso!

What's your problem?

Jesus Christ, can't you

just sit there with a smile

splattered on your stupid face,

huh?

Laugh your fool head off,

but shut your fool mouth!

- Neil!

- Hey.

Cousin John.

- Hi, John.

- How ya doin'?

- Good.

- I made it out.

It was great.

Really great stuff. Funny.

Thanks for coming to the show.

Yeah, I was like, this'll...

this'll shock 'em.

Yep.

I don't know how you

remember all that stuff.

Yeah, it's a lot of stuff.

If it was me,

I'd just be:
Uh...

Yeah.

That one guy,

he was out of line.

That was...

Yeah, they should...

They should have security or

something to take him out

because it just makes it hard

for me to do my job.

- Exactly.

- It makes it...

People are paying money

for me to do my job

and then he does that

and then it just...

It just ruins the night

for everyone.

- Yeah.

- You know, it's...

- Just doin' my job, you know.

- Right.

You're out there,

you're doin' your job.

Just trying to make

a nice night for people.

Yeah. You're the star,

he's in the audience.

You shut him up good thought.

Yeah. Well, he's just a drunk,

you know?

That's a lot... That's...

That's what we do in

this business really is sell...

We're selling alcohol,

you know.

That's why they will book me

in a place like this

is to sell more alcohol,

you know.

They should have a...

They should have security

and take him out,

but they don't have security,

then I have to be

the security...

and try to get them to leave,

you know?

Which shouldn't...

It's not part of my job,

but it's become part of my job,

so, you know.

It shouldn't be my job at all.

Right.

It is a customer service thing,

though, you know.

Like, these people are here,

they're payin',

if you weird us out too much...

I mean, I loved it,

I thought it was very funny,

it was great.

You're up there,

puttin' yourself out there,

but, I mean,

from a business point of view,

if you want my,

that's what I do,

I consult about business,

and for you, I'd say

a strategy would be consider

a little less of the weird

stuff, like "semen," that...

Some of the people were like,

"Whoa! Did he just say semen?"

But others liked it, so...

Yeah, I don't care. Like I said,

I thought it was great.

You're up there,

you're puttin' yourself out...

Yeah.

Yeah, if you wanna

appeal to, like,

all four quadrants, you know,

like all the different groups...

age groups...

- Mm-hmm.

- You know,

"semen" and all that

is a little bit much.

Hello, sweetheart. It's Daddy.

Just, uh, checking in.

Um, you're probably asleep.

It's pretty late, but I got out

of the club pretty late so...

But, um, yeah,

everything's going great.

So I just wanted to, uh...

to check in with you and, um...

I'll check in again.

And, uh...

Um...

Talk to ya later.

Welcome to

California oil country.

California started producing oil

in 1876.

We have produced about

28 and a half billion barrels

of oil since.

Visualize asphalt and

the oil is stuck

between the little grains

of sand and gravel, okay?

So, if you...

See we're not exactly

in the Garden of Eden here,

you know, but you've gotta go

where the oil is,

and Kern County, uh,

because of its, uh,

you know, archaeological past,

happens to have

70, uh, oil fields

just within an area near

the size of Massachusetts.

And, of course,

if this looks familiar to you,

it may be because in 1970

they filmed Five Easy Pieces

with Jack Nicholson and

Karen Black out in this area.

Now, I'm not much

of an impersonator,

but the classic, uh, line

is in the diner.

And I don't know if you remember

it or not, but he says,

"All right, let me make

this easy for ya, okay?"

I want an omelet, plain,

and a chicken salad sandwich

on wheat toast.

Now, no butter, no mayo,

no lettuce,

and a cup of coffee.

"Now, hold the chicken."

Oh!

Like that, what I just did?

Was it funny?

You like f***in' clowns, huh?

Yeah, you like f***in' clowns,

look at that hair.

Well, that was more

than I expected.

Oh, yeah?

Yep. Crowd was a little dry.

- But, uh...

- All right.

Sorry.

You're lucky.

All you got's glasses.

Why did Carrot Top,

legendary, legendary, legendary

Vegas comedian Carrot Top,

prop comedian Carrot Top,

legendary prop comedian

Carrot Top,

legendary Vegas prop comedian

Carrot Top...

Why did Carrot Top,

legendary Carrot Top,

refuse,

absolutely refuse

the pleading requests

of the topless Playboy playmate

who was naked in the jacuzzi

with him?

Because she was begging him

to shoot himself in the head.

I'm just trying

to earn a living.

Come on, people, these are...

These are great jokes.

We traveled a long distance

carrying these jokes

in order to bring them here

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote