Envy Page #9

[sighing deeply] l did love Corky.

l never liked Corky.

l mean, he's beautiful on the outside.

lt's just something wasn't...

We're still partners.

There is no way you are getting out

of this partnership.

- Okay.

- Okay?

And l will see you tomorrow

at the big rally.

[sighing]

- Yeah.

- Good.

[Nick] Big day.

Big day.

Poor Corky.

One little target arrow.

You wouldn't think that could kill

a great big horse.

That's exactly what l thought.

lt's one little arrow

and when l shot the bum...

he hardly seemed to notice.

You know, that fountain

looked a lot better in Rome.

- Yeah.

- Well...

C'est la vie, as the Romans say.

[Natalie] On this beautiful, clear day,

l think it is appropriate

that we clear the air

of the toxic distortions that

my husband and, by association, myself,

are somehow poisoning our environment

in our efforts to purify it.

lt's not true. No es verdad.

[Natalie] Ladies and gentlemen...

please help me welcome

Nick Vanderpark and Tim Dingman.

[cheering, applause]

[shouts of protest]

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, young people.

l stand here with my partner,

Tim Dingman...

[light applause]

That's right.

...grateful for this opportunity

to address the central question

posed in so many colorful

and eloquent variations.

[Nick] Where is the sh*t?!

[applause]

[Natalie] My God. Nick. Nick!

Corky?

[woman] Mr. and Mrs. Vanderpark,

sorry we had to perform an autopsy,

but when any large dead animal

comes in proximity with the public

it must be examined immediately

for health reasons.

l'm a little curious. Did you feed

your horse a lot of apples?

Our neighbors have an apple tree.

Corky loved their apples.

- Did he ever defecate in their yard?

- l imagine.

Can you tell me what you did

when the horse defecated in your yard?

We used Vapoorize

because Nick invented it.

We get crates of it for free.

Well...

lt's all making sense.

The horse was poisoned.

We did find a broken shaft of

a small target arrow in the sternum,

but that played no part

in the horse's death.

The horse died from the prolonged

ingesting of a certain chemical,

which by itself is harmless, but when

combined with certain fecal bacteria

becomes a lethal poison.

A little person?

Lethal poison.

That chemical is the ingredient in every

can of your so-called miracle invention.

He had enough of it literally

to kill a horse.

l am obligated, of course,

to report this to the EPA.

EPA?

Mmm-hmm.

Environmental Protection Agency?

Do you have to do that?

Right. You have to.

[sobbing]

- lt's all right.

- Every time without exception?

[auctioneer] The next item, an extra

large bed that sleeps nine comfortably,

for, let's say, $1 00.

XL bed, sleeping nine.

Got to love it for $1 00.

$ 72 for this white statue of a man

on a horse with a spray can.

$ 72, anyone? No?

Anybody need a portable phone?

Everyone needs one.

You want one in your kitchen,

in your extra bedroom.

You got a portable phone right there.

lt's going to go for $5.

The next thing is item 31 .

l like this bug net. Why don't we

find out the estimated cost?

Oh, we've got two cases

of a semi-gourmet flan.

l believe that's some sort of

custard dish or something.

The semi-gourmet flan

is going to start the bidding at $4.

- Nick?

- Yeah.

l think l have an idea.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. Like a really big idea.

Really?

When you got your idea,

did you feel it immediately?

Oh, yeah. Right away.

You got one of those?

Like one of my ideas?

- l think so.

- What is it?

Yes!

Hey. Hey! Stop the auction!

You just cannot eat flan

and drive at the same time.

Look, l've got flan all over me.

Can't somebody come up

with a better idea?!

- [Tim] We have.

- [applause]

That's right!

Be one of the millions enjoying the

taste sensation sweeping the nation.

Nick's talking about Pocket Flan!

[Nick] Pocket Flan!

- No spoon, no mess!

- That's right.

Three simple steps, folks.

- Just flip it!

- Flip it!

- Squeeze it!

- Squeeze it!

Mmm.

- And enjoy.

- Enjoy!

Wait a second, Tim.

What was that name again?

Pocket Flan!

lsn't that just fantastic?

No, Nick, it's not fantastic.

lt's flan-tastic.

[audience laughs]

Yeah, but, Tim, Nick, l have a question.

How about us

who are lactose-intolerant?

We've got a new soy-based Pocket Flan.

~ [Envy reprise]

lt's flan in a tube.

lt's a little bit of happiness

in a tube.

Let's say l'm jogging.

l'm getting tired, l need a pick-me-up.

What am l going to do, get a candy bar?

lmagine if you're jogging

with some of this stuff.

What's going on?

lt's not going to work.

Here's the other thing.

You're eating your flan, you're like:

''That's good.

''l want to get down there

where it's brown and super-sugary.''

Where do you...? l can't...

ln here we've mixed it up.

You've got all that. lt's pre-mixed.

The brown is always part of it.

Even if you don't see it.

ln the Tour de France, they're going

20 miles a day, going up mountains.

What do you think they pull out

of their Spandex bikini bottom

to squeeze into their mouth

when they want to eat?

- Pocket Flan!

- And here's another question.

What if l'm doing

some skydiving and l'm like:

''l got to get some...

l'm going to get some cornflakes.

''l don't have time for cornflakes.

l do have time for flan.''

[Tim] That's right.

l'd love to see this...

This has been vacuum-tested

to a depth of 200 feet

if you're scuba diving.

Just the other day l see

this kid walking down the street.

- He has the Pocket Flan. Right?

- Right.

He squeezes it... he's on a skateboard.

He squeezes it...

lt arcs up. He goes like... and...

That's like a new skateboard trick.

Who here likes to drive?

You guys like to drive? Yeah.

Who here likes to drive race cars?

Anybody? All right.

l'm Captain Speedway,

and nothing tastes better at 200 miles

per hour than Pocket Flan.

Firemen. ''l got to go save someone.

Maybe l need a little extra something.''

''Where am l gonna put my hose?

l can't hold the hose and this thing.

- [Nick laughing]

- ''Where's the hose go?

''l put a hose under my arm

and then l fight the fire.''

This is on a serious note.

Recently we received a letter

from a woman, Gladys, who...

well, Pocket Flan saved her life.

- All right.

- [applause]

She was a backpacker.

She was stuck out in the woods...

and, by God, Pocket Flan...

[laughing] l can't think of it.

l wanted to say some tearful thing,

but l couldn't think of a thing.

[audience clapping]

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