Epic Movie Page #2

who finds a human to turn them in.

I brought you ba-a-a-ack

to my lair to betray you...

but I couldn't do it.

You are a true friend.

She has plunged our

once-peaceful land into eternal winter.

Under her two terms,

we now have...

wiretaps, no gay marriage...

not to mention her bumbling

of the hurricane relief effort.

And-And the White B*tch

doesn't care about black people.

There is a small

resistance movement.

They learned she's developing

a weapon of mass destruction...

that can kill all of us.

Wait, a real W.M.D.,

or, like, a fake Saddam one?

No, a real one.

That sounds bad.

Go now, before she finds you.

- But-

- There's no time to argue.

Go no-o-o-o-ow!

This message

will self-destruct in one second.

Wait-What?

Come out, come out,

wherever you are.

- Lucy?

- Who wants to play with Willy?

Lucy, move over.

I need someplace to hide.

Lucy. Lu-

Who lives here?

Liberace?

Aah!

This is a really big wardrobe.

What a MI LF.

Kneel before the queen!

You're a son of Adam.

A what?

No, I'm Edward.

I'm sorry, Your Majesty.

I-

- I was following Lucy into the wardrobe and-

- Lucy?

- How many are in your family?

- No.

Lucy, Peter and Susan

are not my family.

We're all just a bunch of orphans.

The prophecy!

Please.

Let me help you up.

Wow.

- Oh, you must be parched.

- Yes.

Whoa.

Wow. A 40?

- Ah.

- Drink.

Fresh dog piss.

Go ahead.

Yeah!

I love this place.

And this can all be your new home.

With my help, you can be king.

Wha-What? King?

He can't be king-

Oww!

And you would be my queen?

I've never had a girlfriend before.

Oh!

Ah!

How about that?

Oh, but first

I must meet the others.

Why? You're not gonna make

Peter king too, are you?

Oh! No.

But every king

needs subjects to boss around.

But, Your Majesty-

Behold, my white castle.

White Castle?

I feel like I've been there before.

Bring me the others,

and I'll crown you king.

Yes!

Lucy?

Edward!

You went through

the wardrobe too.

- Lucy!

- Lucy!

- Edward!

- Edward?

This is quite a hiding place.

We have to go now.

We're in grave danger.

Oh, no, no. We should stay right here.

What's the hurry, Lucy?

I mean, they just got here.

Hey, look!

I'm spelling my name!

- Mm-mmm.

- Please!

We have to go.

Mr. Tumnus told me.

Mr. Tumnus?

Who the bloody hell's that?

I love Sudoku!

He's a goat-man...

and he warned of great peril!

- Oh, Lucy.

- Fine!

If you think I'm lying,

just go ask him yourself!

Hmph.

This is gonna be

harder than I thought.

Hey, look!

Nicole Richie!

Mm-mmm.

Mr. Tumnus?

Sh*t.

I know what happened.

- What the hell is that thing?

- It's a talking beaver!

- Holy sh*t!

- Get it outta here!

No!

Motherf-

Something in my groin tells me

you're not used to a talking beaver.

My name is Harry Beaver.

Mr. Tumnus is my life partner.

Mmm. Sweet man.

Mr. Tumnus was taken

by the White B*tch.

She's hot-

I mean, never heard of her.

The evil ruler. She arrested

Mr. Tumnus for hiding a human.

Is there anything

we can do to help?

Uh, yes.

You must go to Aslo.

He's waiting for you

at the Ancient Table.

- Who's Aslo?

- Who's Aslo?

He's the true king of Gnarnia.

- Not for long.

- Hello? The prophecy?

The four of you will join Aslo and lead

the resistance to destroy the White B*tch.

- Us?

- Yes. You're all heroes.

Especially you, Peter.

My son,

I have sent you to Earth for a reason.

You will be the savior

of all mankind.

You are truly invincible.

Oh, my God! You shot me

in the f***ing eye! That really hurts!

Why would you do that?

That was so unnecessary! You bastard!

- But I can't be.

"But I can't be." Why him?

Well, maybe not Superman,

but a hero all the same.

It's your destiny.

Do you think you were

all brought together by chance?

Look at the clues.

They're all around you.

Oh, that's nice.

We're all in the painting.

But what does it mean?

Right.

It's a "cryptix."

The curator taught me

how to decipher these.

Upsy-daisy.

Be careful.

Well, what is it?

It's our birth certificates.

We all have the same last name

and the same parents.

- I don't get it.

- You're all related!

Brothers and sisters.

You're a family, for Christ sakes!

- Sorry.

- Is it really true?

None of us ever had

a real family before.

None of us ever had a real family before.

It's true.

You're quadruplets.

- But our parents-

- Killed by the White B*tch.

Then she separated the four of you

so the prophecy would never be fulfilled.

Where's Edward?

Hey, honey, I'm home.

Hey, buddy.

Did you miss me?

Ohh!

- Why?

- 'Cause I ain't your buddy!

Where are the others?

I thought we had something special.

I even got a tattoo

with your name on it.

That looks more like

50 Cent's tattoo, you idiot.

Sh*t!

They did the wrong one.

I won't ask again.

Where is the rest of your family?

I told you,

they're not my family.

Tell me where they are.

Never.

Yeah, they went to Mr. Tumnus's house.

Yes! Yes!

You just got punk'd! Yes!

He did it!

He did it!

Say it to the camera.

Come on, say it right there.

- Say it!

- I just got punk'd.

Schwow! Yeah!

We just punk'd Edward!

Schwow! Schwow! Yeah!

That was awesome!

Yeah! Yes!

This thing up here is all me, baby!

The trucker hat-

That's awesome!

I did it. You love it.

You'll take it. Punk'd 'im!

- That was really funny! Oh, my gosh! Too funny!

- You are so annoying!

No, that was really funny though!

Schwow! Schwow! Schwow!

Schwow! Schwow!

Candy-ass trucker hat!

Schwow. Schwow.

Silas!

The kids are with Mr. Tumnus.

I want you to find them

and kill them.

Persona non grata.

Magna cum laude.

Urts-hay oh-say ood-gay!

Ooh!

Ood-gay.

Ooh.

No. No!

- Here. You goin' to prison.

- Ow! Dude!

- Edward!

- Edward!

- Edward!

- Edward!

- Mr. Tumnus!

I miss the smell of you, Harry Beaver.

Eew.

Oh, yeah.

The White B*tch did this to you?

Sh*t!

And now she has Edward.

- We must rescue hi-

- Get ahold of yourself, Lucy!

- Holy-

- It's too dangerous.

If she catch you,

you are as good as dead.

Um, that's me.

"The resistance has found out...

"that the White B*tch has completed

her weapon of mass destruction...

and is going to launch it

in 24 hours."

Let's get the hell out of here!

Aslo is the only one

that can help now.

Then take us to him.

What'd you do that for?

I forgot.

Before you meet Aslo,

you must train.

Only then you can defeat

the White B*tch...

and save your brother.

I'll meet you at Aslo's.

May the Force be with you.

Someone's coming.

The b*tch is on to you. You must go now.

There you will train.

Go!

Mr. Tumnus?

I will stay behind

and fight him off.

No matter what,

you must not come back for me.

- Yep.

- Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Run!

Stop!

If you want them,

you'll have to go through me first.

Please! Help!

He needs our help!

- Help!

- No, Susan, Lucy.

He... wants us to go on.

He sacrificed himself for us.

Peter, if you can hear me...

come back now!

I definitely underestimated

the situation.

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