Epic Movie Page #3

I'm in a lot of pain!

What should we do?

Uh, we can't go back.

We have to-

- We have to do what's best

for Edward and for Gnarnia.

- Screw Gnarnia!

He's testing us.

This is not a test!

I can see my brains!

Et tu, Brute?

Welcome!

My name is Harry Potter!

Aren't you a little old

to still be a student here?

Nonsense.

I am but 14.

As are my two best friends,

Ron and Hermione.

Greetings.

Hope you chicks are on the pill.

Harry likes to get wasted...

then show off

his sorcerer's stones.

They are definitely too old

to still be doing this sh*t.

We shall train you

so you can defeat the White B*tch...

and restore peace to Gnarnia.

We'll show you everything we know,

like how to use...

the invisibility cloak.

Oh, no!

I'm completely invisible!

Where am I?

Who's that?

- Where am I? I could be anywhere.

- Harry. Harry!

Where am I?

Step off, Potter!

Right.

Wrong cloak.

Let the training montage begin!

Cue inspirational music.

Blame the cloak.

- Get your hips nice and square.

- Okay, uh-

- All right. I'll set it up for you.

- Okay.

- You ready?

- Yeah, I'm ready.

Ipso facto "patrolo!"

Oh! Yeah!

Confront your fear!

Do not cower

in the face of danger!

Let nothing stand in the way of defeating

your enemy! Come on, Peter!

Stop being such a little nancy boy!

Schoolgirl! P*ssy!

Chicken!

Congratulations, Peter.

Your training is now complete.

- You are now ready to meet Aslo.

- Yes!

This crystal will finally

put an end to the resistance.

I will start a series of earthquakes...

that will collapse all of Gnarnia...

and grow a new continent...

where only I

and my followers will live.

Yo, B*tch, that's pretty much

the plot of Superman Returns.

Pretty much, yeah.

It's an I.M. from Silas.

"The... keeds...

"have...

esca-puh-duh."

"Escap-puh-duh."

"The keeds have esca-puh-duh."

The kids have escaped!

Duh!

I've got to catch and kill those children

before they ruin everything.

See what else Edward knows.

Let me out!

Oh, I gotta get outta here.

I'm never gonna see

my family again.

I'll get you out of here, mate.

Captain Morgan!

I love your rum!

No!

Captain Jack Swallows.

At your service.

Jack Swallows?

That's kinda gay, dude.

Mmm.

I believe in your quest, son,

and I'll reunite you with your family.

I've got a ship waiting for us.

Shh.

How are we gonna

get out of here?

Ah!

Man down! Man down!

I could have faked it!

Quick!

He needs your help!

Come, come!

We haven't got all day!

Mmm!

Wow!

A real pirate ship!

Peter, Lucy and Susan

won't believe this.

Hey, this is awesome.

What's it like being a pirate?

Yo-ho, Ed, let me

break it down for you.

Word to the Kraken!

Time is winding, old boy.

So where's your family, eh?

They're on their way to

the Ancient Tables to meet Aslo...

where he's assembled

the resistance.

Interesting.

God, you're easy.

Thanks, love.

Oh, my.

Wait. So this whole thing was a setup

just to get information out of me?

Sorry, mate.

This isn't even a working pirate ship. Savvy?

- Oh, sh*t!

- It was nice doin' business with you, love.

Bugger!

I'll get you for this...

you-you-

you... b*tch.

I always hated you,

Captain Jack Swallows.

You think I like wearin' this

funny-lookin' hat? I'll roast your nuts!

So...

your family's going to Aslo.

Summon the troops.

If it's a war they want...

it's a war they will get.

Let's start things off

with a bang, shall we?

- But you'll kill millions.

- Billions.

Come on.

Let me hear you say it.

- My family will stop you!

- Wrong!

Ooh!

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.

Oh! Ooh!

Oh! Ooh!

Damn that Superman plot!

My name Borat.

This my country of Gnarnia.

Is nice!

She is my sister.

She is number four faun prostitute

in all of Gnarnia.

Nice!

Aslo?

Mmm!

Where you goin', doll face?

I just took my Cialis.

Screw you, Aslo!

Ah, thanks a lot.

You're Aslo the Lion?

Li-man-

half lion, half man.

- So you mean you're-

- My father Siegfried boinked a lion.

But, you know,

what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Let me guess. The prophecy family.

Uh-huh.

We've come a long way.

Whatever.

You're missing one.

- Yes, our brother Edward.

- Yes, our brother Edward.

He betrayed you,

went to the White B*tch.

- Well, it wasn't his fault.

- Yada yada yada.

- But the prophecy says-

- "But the prophecy, the prophecy."

Fine.

I'll help you get Edward back.

- Oh!

- Mmm!

But there's something

you've got to do for me.

What are you in here for, Mel?

You know.

Glug, glug.

Vroom, vroom.

Whoo!

Listen, sugar tits.

F.Y.I.

I like to sleep in the buff.

Wow.

Yeah.

- That was spectacular.

- My butt's sore.

Uh-oh!

Dutch oven!

Ooh!

It's Aslo!

In nomine Patris, et Filii,

et Spiritus Sancti.

Huh?

Come on, kids.

Peter? Lucy! Susan!

Oh, you guys, I've been such a prick.

Won't you ever forgive me?

We already have.

- We're a family now.

- We're a family now.

I like the sound of that.

- I love you guys.

- Oh, have your Dr. Phil moment later.

- Now get out of here!

- Go, go, go.

Good-bye, Aslo.

What?

What's wrong?

He didn't make it.

Oh, sh*t! A talking beaver!

Wait!

Oh, it's hard out here

for a beaver.

You forgetful b*tch!

I already met you.

I know. Yeah.

Aslo never came back.

The White B*tch killed him.

And it gets worse.

It's over.

The White B*tch

will surely rule forever.

But we have you.

You will lead us.

You're the future

kings and queens of Gnarnia.

It will be an honor

to fight for you, my lords.

We'll fight for you.

And so will we.

We'll stand behind you, Peter.

That b*tch has threatened

our mutant way of life for too long.

We believe in you.

Tomorrow, we fight.

So tonight, we party!

Hello, Gnarnia!

Are you ready for rock and roll?

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Yeah!

Yeah!

You're up, Sis.

Uh-uh.

I like to keep a clear head.

Come on. Loosen up for once.

You wanna-

You wanna, you know,

get your swerve on, like this.

Like that. And then-

No. Why?

What's the worst that could happen?

- Maybe just one.

- All right.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Hi.

Hi.

So, you're gonna be

the king of Gnarnia?

- That's what they say.

- Mmm.

I think that's so hot.

Why don't we get out of here.

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug it!

Whoo! Yeah!

I'm okay.

You're good?

- Hmm?

- I'm okay.

Oh!

Oh.

- You know, I've got special powers.

- Uh-huh.

I'm a shape-changer.

I can change my form into anything.

What do you like?

Uh-

Big hooters

with silver dollar nipples?

All right.

And a ghetto booty.

Like- Like a lot of junk

in the trunk, say.

Kinky. Mmm.

Badonkadonk.

- And a mono-brow!

- Come again?

Mono-brow! Mono-brow!

King wants a mono-brow!

Okay, okay.

And big, flabby grandma arms.

Oh!

Bingo wings,

like a fat, blue Britney Spears.

Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

Come here!

Where is everybody?

I don't know. Maybe it had something to do

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