Epic Movie Page #4

with Susan puking on everyone last night.

We seem to be outnumbered.

No.

I'm not running anymore.

Ow!

Oh!

We may not have the numbers on our side

or the weapons she possesses...

but we have something

far more powerful.

Perky breasts?

The strength of our family.

I'd follow you anywhere, brother.

Oh, my-

Revenge is... mine!

Jack Swallows!

Payback is a b*tch, White B*tch!

You owe me your soul,

Jack Swallows, and it's time to pay up!

Oh!

She's blinded me, matey!

Oh, bugger!

What a tool.

Show them no mercy.

Take that, Kumar!

Huh!

No!

Oh, yes.

Yes, that's right.

Grovel.

Just like your parents did

before I killed them.

Wow. Let's slow things down

for a better look.

Ah.

Oh! Oh, dear.

Oh, that's-

That-That is dis-

Oh.

Ooh!

Let's get 'em!

Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this.

It's the crystal!

- We're all gonna die!

- We're all gonna die!

Give me the remote control.

Yes!

No, stop.

We will not stoop to her level.

I hate those f***in' kids.

The new Gnarnia

will be a democracy...

complete with due process.

She shall be given a fair trial,

judged by a jury of her peers.

Sorry, B*tch.

Right.

Oh, screw her anyway.

Make a beaver a hole.

Get your butt out of my face.

Hot, moist beaver comin' through.

May I present

the kings and queens of Gnarnia!

Peter the Heroic.

Susan the Just.

Edward the Loyal.

And Lucy the Dumb Sh*t.

All hail!

And so it was

that Peter, Susan, Edward and Lucy...

restored peace to Gnarnia.

They were orphans no more.

They were now a family.

They ruled Gnarnia

for many years to come.

That is, until they found

the wardrobe once again.

Let's cross streams.

There we go.

Oops!

A little bit of blood.

It's-

- It's the wardrobe.

- It's been so long.

It's been so long.

Chuck Norris rules.

We're young again!

Jagshemash!

You did it!

You make movie film have happy ending.

Not!

Oh, my-

- Let us out, freak!

- No can do.

I-

No.

Captain Jack Swallows!

Captain Jack Swallows!

- Sh*t. Swallowing!

- Cut.

No!

Captain Jack Swallows!

Sorry.

Wait. Can I ask you

something about the sucking?

Am I-

Am I, like, sucking the chrome off,

or is it-

- Yeah.

- I mean- Okay.

Here we go.

Oh! Hey!

Mmm. Mmm!

Well, guess what.

- What?

- Guess what.

First-

Mi, mi, mi, mi,

mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi!

When I'm makin' you stuff,

quit cryin' and eat it!

Your mother ate it!

She liked it. It was fine.

- Where did I hit him? I hit him on the head.

- Cut!

Sh*t.

We'll stand behind you, Peter.

That b*tch has threatened

our way of life-

Our mutant-

Sh*t. Sorry. Bollocks.

She shall be given a fair trial...

judged by a jury of her peers.

We shall build a courthouse...

with crushed velvet drapes

and ample parking.

I'm so hot.

Oh, my gosh. I passed the yellow line.

I just don't see it.

Li-man-

half lion, half man.

So you mean you're-

My mom went to a party

at Siegfried and Roy's.

She got drunk, and then

it was her turn in the barrel.

It's a brutal game.

Justice shall reign supreme...

even for elves and fauns...

albinos and the Irish.

- I saw stripes!

- No! Man!

We shall revolutionize

the health system.

There will be no more

teenage pregnancies...

without my consent...

and without their consent.

I shouldn't have had sex with Shrek!

Like it or not, we're all in-

- You okay?

- No. But go ahead.

- Like it or not, we're all in this.

- Like it or not-

- Oh, I can't even do it now.

- Let's do it.

Damn that Shrek!

He said he wasn't a carrier.

Because, sweet tits,

we're four kids nobody would ever miss.

We'll be stuck here

till we dizz-i rizz-i.

Don't t-zelle me what to d-zoo!

The White B*tch is no more.

Now, we shall be queens.

Last night, I had sex

with a unicorn. Nice!

Hey, look.

It's Lindsay Lohan.

I haven't got

enough left for Roseanne.

- Oh. So I was supposed to- I supposed to fall?

- Cut it.

- It's supposed to hit me, right?

- Yes.

- Ooh!

- Cut!

Oh. But I need something

about the others first.

But first- Sorry.

Give me your hand.

Oh, no!

But kings need to boss

their subject's ship-What's the line?

Yes.

Bring me the others, and I'll crown you

the throne. Sh*t. Crown you what?

I'm big.

I got big balls.

See Epic Movie...

or drunk Mel Gibson will hurt me.

Not!

you.

So now you all seen my crib.

So get the hell out- Oh!

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