Ernest Goes to Jail

1

Somebody's drivin' my car

Somebody's usin' my name

Somebody's kissin' my girl

So why am I doin' time?

This ain't no pink champagne

Doin' time

This is a ball and chain

Doin' time

This ain't no swank hotel

Doin' time

This is a mile-wide hell

If it don't fit the crime

How come you get off,

and I'm doin' time?

Somebody bake me a cake

You'd better sneak in a file

You'd better buy me a judge

I've been set up,

and I'm doin' time

This ain't no pink champagne

Doin' time

This is a ball and chain

Doin' time

This ain't no swank hotel

Doin' time

This is a mile-wide hell

Honey, please don't leave me

hangin' here

Can't you see

the end is near?

Its a crime

You get off,

and I'm doin' time

Bobby, run!

Hold it! Red light!

Green light!

Go!

Okay, go! Lets go!

Red light.

Green light.

Did you hear that?

It came from over there.

Locked.

Freeze!

Oh, hi, fellas.

Hi.

Ernest, how many times

do I have to tell you

about bank procedure?

Do you realize

you could've caused

a serious accident here,

perhaps even a blood bath?

This man is a coiled cobra

ready to strike

at the slightest irregularity.

I'm sorry, fellas.

- - I-I just got to

workin' on this old polisher switch,

and I just forgot.

Okay.

I'm gonna let you off this time

because you're one of us

and you work at the bank.

Yeah.

But I won't always have

this job.

Someday I'll be able to wield

the financial muscle

of this institution.

I'll be able to

move assets around

like chessmen

on a financial chessboard.

Someday corporate managers will

shudder in their wingtips

at my approach,

for I will be... a bank clerk.

Aah!

Ow! Ow!

A- A-A-A-A-Ah!

Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Bob, I'm sick of this

police band.

Lets listen to something

with kick to it!

Yeah!

Help! Chuck!

Ouch! Aah!

Oh!

It won't turn off!

Help! Help! Help!

Aah!

Don't make me climb

These aren't

my tree-climbing shoes

Stop! Stop!

Huh?

Whoa!

You can't go up

the wa-a-a-a-ll!

Ow! Ow!

Aah!

Aah!

... tree-climbing shoes

Uh...

Huh?

Uh! Uh!

Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!

Uh! Uh! Uh!

Yaa! Yaa!

Uh! Uh! Uh!

Yaa! Yaa!

Aaaaah!

Anyway, man,

monkeys have been up there

Yes, put that down!

Put that down!

Ah heh heh heh heh heh.

Huh?

What?

Uh!

My hands are stuck!

I'm doomed!

Aah!

Security check five.

No problem.

Man:
There has been a breach

in security.

All prisoners,

return to your cellblocks.

Hey, you!

Mr. Nash,

you got to help me.

I just killed a guy.

What about it?

You got to help me!

I help no one who can't help me.

Its your mess, Rubin.

You clean it up.

Mr. Nash, you...

you got to do something!

Help me!

Good morning, Frank.

Morning, Chuck.

Did you have a problem

last night?

N-Nothing we couldn't handle.

Oh.

Not again today.

You might as well go ahead and, uh,

show him some kind of I.D., Miss Sparrow.

I have to, and I'm his brother.

What in the Sam Hill

do you think you're doin'?

Ernest?

Ernest!

Oh.

What happened?

Uh... uh, I-I was just

guardin' the money...

you know, bein' extra careful,

uh, walkin' that extra mile.

Ernest, this is the biggest

mess you've ever made.

If Mr. Pendlesmythe

sees this...

It wasn't my fault.

They followed me in here.

It was awful.

You can't imagine...

especially these two.

Ernest, whatever happened, you've got to

clean it up now. Come on. I'll help you.

Did you read those books

that I gave you?

I tried, but

they were real tough.

There weren't any pictures,

and the print was real small.

Ernest, you've got to work hard

if you want to get ahead.

I know, but I get discouraged.

And besides, Mr. Pendlesmythe's

not gonna give me a chance.

Ernest, you got to

believe in yourself.

Y-You've got to have

faith in the system.

You're right, Charlotte.

After all,

I am Ernest P. Worrell,

an upwardly mobile American

at his best,

and I know that

if I pay my taxes, bathe,

and floss regularly,

I will ascend the ladder

of success, hand over foot.

Ernest, do you think

the floor needs a polish?

Come on. Walk this way.

Come on.

Two minutes for me, man.

Man:

Attention to cellblock...

exercise time is over

in five minutes.

Today's your deadline, Eddie.

I want that money you owe me.

I'm sorry, Mr. Nash.

I just need a little more time.

Not good enough, Eddie.

Lyle...

See if you can help Eddie

with his attitude.

I'll get it for you.

I swear.

Oh, I know that, Eddie.

The question is when.

Tomorrow...

I'll get it for you tomorrow.

Today's your deadline.

I hate to encourage tardiness.

Please...

I'll get it for you tonight.

I swear.

See that you do, Eddie.

See that you do.

There.

All cleaned up.

That should pass

Mr. Pendlesmythe's inspection.

Right you are, Charlotte.

And Mr. Poodlesmurf is lucky

to have me on his team.

As a matter of fact,

one of these days,

I'm gonna walk into that office,

and I'm gonna say...

- "Oscar, babe..."

- What?

Uh, good morning,

Mr. Puddlesmoot...

Smiddlepit...

Smooglepoot...

Pendlesmythe, you idiot!

Uh, yes, sir.

Can't you get anything right?

Why are you

such a screw-up?

Ernest, you've got to be

more careful.

I know.

I'll never get to be a clerk.

I'll be lucky if they let me

stay on as a janitor,

know what I mean?

Hey, maybe I can help you

with that promotion.

All you need is a little

more self-confidence.

You're right, Charlotte.

I need to think more positive.

I need to think...

I'll get that job.

Why, that man is putty

in my fingers.

I'm just toyin' with him now,

like a kitten with a June bug.

I was just thinking that, uh,

- Yeah, like a...

- Since you're not working tomorrow

that maybe we could get

together,

talk about the job,

maybe have dinner.

Dinner?

Did you say "dinner"...

like just the two of us

in the same town on the same

day in the same restaurant,

possibly at the same table?

Well, yes, but...

just as friends, right?

I mean just as friends. I mean, we'll

get together, we'll talk about the job.

I can give you

some, uh, insights

based upon my experience.

Experience.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I suggest you bring

your willpower, young woman.

Be forewarned... the

Worrell charm is merciless.

Oh, sure, Charlotte.

You just want to show me...

the ropes.

You just want to give me

a leg up to the bottom rung

of that little ladder

called "success."

Oh, yeah.

Come on, Rimshot.

We have to choose

just the right ensemble.

No.

Too formal for dinner.

Ah, the perfect choice...

European styling with

a decidedly American flair.

Charlotte has more

than a professional interest

in yours truly.

And who can blame her?

I've never understood

why I have such a profound

effect on women,

but why argue with success?

Yeah, I'm a man who has just

found his parking space

in the fast lane.

Who knows what lies ahead

for such a man?

Aah-aah-aah-aah!

Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah!

Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah!

Aah-aah-aah!

Ahhhhhh...

Wh-o-o-o-oa! Uh!

Well, there's my problem

right there.

Looks like this little wire's

got a little sh...

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