Ernest Goes to Jail Page #2

...hhhhhhhhhhhhh...

...ort in it.

Gosh! Not again.

Woman:

Oh!

Bonsoir.

Dinner for two?

Right.

I'll be your waiter

this evening.

You may call me Philippe.

I'll just give you a moment

to look over your menu.

I had a long talk

with Mr. Pendlesmythe today.

It took a lot of convincing,

but he agreed to accept

your application

for the clerk's job.

He did?

But the thing is...

y-you've got to be

more careful.

I just know I can win him over.

We'll have that little talk

around the old water cooler

about... team sports

and transmissions,

jock itch... things that just guys

talk about, know what I mean?

I'll have him eatin'

Right out of the palm of my hand.

I know that its hard, Ernest,

But Mr. Pendlesmythe can't stand mistakes.

And between you and I,

I don't think he can stand people, either.

Oh, thats okay.

I'm not like other people, know what I mean?

Frankly, Ernest,

I don't even know

why you want the job.

I mean, he's a horrible man

to work for.

At least where you are now,

you only have to see him

once a day.

Want to hear something

really funny?

- - I thought

I was gonna get promoted

to branch manager

this time last year.

What a laugh, huh?

Y-Yeah, but did you hear the one

about the 3-legged dog

That walked into the saloon and said,

"I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my

'paw"'?

Ah heh heh heh heh.

Ernest, this is fun.

I mean, you're pretty

good company.

I come from a long line

of bon vivants.

We're known for our charm, wit,

and sparkling dinner conversation,

know what I mean?

Ernest?

Ernest, are you all right?

I recommend the lobster.

Ah heh heh. Ah heh heh heh.

Sir.

Man:
There he is.

Hey, warden,

we don't come to your house.

Open C-12.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the infamous

Mr. Nash.

My sources tell me

that you and your guard dog

got in some trouble yesterday

down in the weight room.

Just mindin'

my own business, warden,

somethin' you might want

to try sometime.

Now, you can make things

easy on yourself,

or you can make 'em hard.

Its up to you.

You hear me, Nash?!

Yeah, I hear you, warden.

Now you hear me.

When you step out

of that cozy little office,

you're on my turf.

And if I were you,

I would watch my step.

If thats a threat,

its a weak one.

Your day's comin'

real soon, Nash...

and we both know it.

Man:
Close C-12.

I've got to get out

of this place.

Chuck:

Ernest, you wouldn't believe

the new security system

we have for the van...

maximum protection

and minimum carnage...

And three levels of power!

Ernest, I...

Thanks, Chuck.

Thanks, Bobby.

I'm not finished talkin'

to you about this!

This is really neat!

Here, Rimshot.

Here, boy.

Thats a good boy.

How you been?

Miss your daddy?

Good boy.

Lets see what we got

in the mail.

All right!

Down you go.

Wow!

This is great!

I don't believe it!

Jury duty!

Look, Rimshot!

I've been chosen for jury duty!

This is great!

Chuck!

Bobby!

Chuck! Bobby!

Alley-oop.

Uh-oh.

I hate this minefield.

Its a miracle!

I'm so happy! I'm ecstatic!

Uh, uh, its a dream come true!

Chuck, Bobby, guess what!

Ernest, you're in the line

of fire! Move it!

Go! Pick 'em up, put 'em down!

Go! Go! Go!

I hate this part!

Ow!

I'm the luckiest guy

in the whole world.

They chose me.

Out of hundreds of thousands

of other people,

they chose me for

United States jury duty.

Isn't that great?

Yeah, great.

Bobby, soup's on!

I mean, the

opportunity to decide...

right or wrong, good or evil,

regular or unleaded,

to hold a man's life in the

palm of my hand and decide,

"Should I crush it...

or allow it to go free

like a bird

on the wings of time?"

Burn him.

Ladies and gentlemen

of the jury,

one of the most precious

guarantees in our Constitution

is that of a fair trial.

Every defendant has the right

to one.

This defendant is no exception.

It is you who must decide

his case, not I.

You must weigh the evidence

carefully.

Counselor, you may proceed.

Thank you, your honor.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the state will prove that

the defendant, Rubin Bartlett,

who is a known henchman

of the notorious crime czar

and bank robber Felix Nash,

did, in fact, murder

- - A fellow

prisoner while in jail.

And for this,

the state asks that you extend

his remaining time

of five months

into a sentence of life

without parole.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the defense will show

that the deceased was not

killed by my client.

In fact,

he wasn't killed by anyone.

He died as the result

of a tragic accident,

when, in a poorly lit stairwell,

he tripped over

an inadequately placed railing

and plunged, regrettably,

to his death.

If there is a guilty party

in this case,

it must surely be the system,

to allow such unsafe

conditions to exist.

Once you've heard the evidence,

I'm sure you'll agree with me

that the charges against

my client, Mr. Bartlett,

are completely spurious,

and that you will find him...

not guilty.

Ah heh heh heh.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you all right?

Uh, just fine, thank you.

This guy looks

exactly the same as Nash.

Are you crazy?

I...

look, the guy's perfect.

Its downright uncanny.

We can't just...

It'll work.

It will.

Your honor... to allow the jury

to fully understand

the case for the defense,

we feel as though its imperative

that they see the environment

within which this

unfortunate accident occurred.

Therefore, we move that

these proceedings be continued

to the site

of the alleged crime.

Well, I find this request

highly irregular.

However, if the prosecution

has no objections...

Prosecutor:
Uh,

no objections, your honor.

So be it.

These proceedings will reconvene tomorrow at

10:
00 a.m. At the Dracup Correctional Facility.

Oh, boy!

A field trip!

I'm telling you...

this guy is right on the numbers.

Its so simple.

Towel.

We make the switch,

you get in on the jury

and find me innocent,

then you walk away a free man,

and I make sure this guy Ernest

gets whats coming to you.

In and out...

wham, bam...

and its over.

Yeah.

I'm a real big fan

of the early release program.

Attorney:
I would like to thank

the members of the jury

for bearing with us.

Dracup Prison is...

Okay, Lyle, we got one shot

at this, so make it count.

... there are those

that must endure its reality.

So, what we are here

to talk about today...

is death... horrible...

frightening,

something to be avoided.

But is death murder?

Is murder death?

I think not.

And yet, though we must feel

some sympathy for the victim,

we cannot...

Psst!

By wrongfully accusing...

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is exactly what...

The state has made no case.

Psst!

They've presented

no compelling evidence.

Come here, you.

Why? Because there is none...

Am I me?

Nash:
Come here.

Huh?

We don't dispute that.

Of course, all of us,

as reasonable human beings,

mourn them...

Ugh!

Attorney:
Certainly...

Hurry up, Lyle.

And keeping this in mind,

I would like to move these

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