Ernest Saves Christmas Page #2

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like ''Donder'' and ''Blister.''

That's ''Blitzen.''

It says, ''Hold for pickup by--''

Is that an ''M''?

''V.''

- Right here. That's an ''M.'' | - ''V.''

- ''M.'' | - ''V.''

- ''M, M, M.'' | - ''V, V, V.''

That is an ''M.''

''Hold for Helper Elmes.''

This is probably Amish.

It could even be Quaker.

Only thing I know | is that it's French.

''V.''

Okay, Bobby, I need you | to go on back to work.

See you. | Talk to you later.

[ Rumble ]

[ Santa ] | Did you ever hear of a man...

named Joe Carruthers?

It don't ring a bell. | Should I have?

''UncleJoey's Tree House?''

UncleJoey? | Are you kidding?

" They never get old "

" They always stay new "

" Those 3 little words | ''please'' and ''thank you'' ""

- Hey. | - Hey!

I haven't seen | that show in years.

Is he still on the air?

Well, he was until 3 weeks ago,

and then it was canceled.

Well, by now he must be | rolling in mucho dinero.

Well, you don't get rich by doing...

a once-a-week children's program | on local TV.

You've got to do it | for other reasons.

And that's why I'm here.

Hey, hey!

Hey, hold it!

- You forgot something. | - Take it easy, mister.

It's not me. | It's my brother.

He does this all the time.

We go out. He says he has the money, | and then we eat.

Then he goes to the bathroom | and sneaks out.

When the check comes, | I'm left with no money...

and this stupid look on my face.

Please, mister, | just let me go this time.

You expect me to believe that?

I swear it's true. | Look!

There's my brother now. | There he is!

Hey, Tommy!

Hey!

[ Ding, Ding ]

Whoa!

Aaah!

[ Brakes Screech ]

Please, mister, go, go, go!

Aaah!

[ Ding, Ding ]

Ding!

That was my mean uncle.

He makes me work in that restaurant | like a slave.

He keeps me locked up | in the basement...

with rats and filth, | and I just escaped.

Please don't let him get me, okay?

[ As John Wayne ] | Well, not to worry, little lady.

You're safe with us.

Thanks.

I'm Harmony Starr.

Remember that name, | because I'll be famous someday.

This is Ernest, | and I'm Santa Claus.

Surprised?

No, no.

Not really.

[ Children's Voices ]

[ Click ]

That'll be $3 2.50.

There you go.

- Hey, this ain't real. | - What?

This bill carries the likeness of one...

''Mr. Funtime.''

Hmmm.

Really, I don't have much use | for currency,

but I do like to | have a little around.

Just, you know, in case.

Oh, my. | Oh, my goodness.

Last year,

a 5-year-old wanted...

a ''Mr. Funtime'' Grocery Store.

I included a large amount of...

play money.

I suppose I must have | mixed it up.

Dum-da-dum-dum.

What we've got here...

is a failure to ''accumulate.''

[ Sigh ]

What the heck. | It's on the house.

- Merry Christmas, old buddy. | - Thank you, too, old buddy!

[ Indistinct Conversation ]

Oh, right through there, dear.

Ahem. | Excuse me.

I'm looking for a man | named Joseph Carruthers.

I'm the greatest.

Roar.

Me too, me too!

Roar!

For millions of years,

dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

- Roar. | - Roar.

Hey, don't do that!

Then, something | really strange happened.

Uh-oh, it's the ice age!

Oh, no, I don't feel too good.

Ah-ah-ah-choo!

He's a wonderful man.

We're so lucky | to have him with us.

You don't need to tell me. | I've watched him for years.

Yes, well, he's been | such a help here,

and the children | just love him.

I hope he gets something | going for himself soon.

Oh, I imagine he'll have | his hands full very shortly.

That's why we don't see dinosaurs | around anymore.

Hey, listen.

I want to thank all you kids | for coming to see me today.

Why do I say ''thank you''?

Because they never seem old,

they always seem new,

those 3 little words,

''please'' and ''thank you.''

"Jingle bells, checkbook swells "

" Big deals on the way ""

Hey, babe, park it in the shade. | What do you say? All right.

Come along, children.

Be careful now.

Come on boys, quickly.

Bye-bye.

You can go in now.

Hello,Joe!

This is indeed a pleasure.

Hello. | Do I know you?

- Yes, you do. | - I do?

What I'm going to tell you | may sound fantastic,

but please suspend disbelief...

until I've gotten through it.

Your name was originally on a list...

with several hundred others.

Slowly, for one reason or another,

the other names were eliminated.

The process took longer | than I thought.

But now, I'm sure...

I have the right man for the job.

Job? What job?

I mean, what is this all about?

Joe, you are going to be the new--

Excuse me, pop. | This is it,Joey.

The hand of fate | is reaching out to you.

I know how broken up you are | about your show being bounced,

but you've got a shot | for the lead in a movie.

What's the movie about?

A holiday flick | called ''Christmas Sleigh.''

Blake Farrell had the lead.

At the last minute, | he goes skiing, falls on his puss,

and wrecks up a $5,000 nose job.

Do you love it? | I love it, yes.

Talk about luck, right?

The interview | is in a couple ofhours.

I want you to tint your hair | and lose the beard.

No,Joe, no!

Don't go looking like him. | You're set with my hairstylist.

Derek can make a hair blower | do everything except sit up and bark.

But your beard is wonderful!

Thanks. | I think so too, Marty.

Who is this guy? | Already, I don't like him.

- My name is Sant-- | - Excuse me, Mr. Santos.

We're having a conversation. | May we continue, please?

S'il vous plait. | Thank you so much.

My goodness, my sack!

I can't believe I left it.

I must really be slipping.

You're always pulling this stuff, | Ernest,;

knocking down the meters,

giving free rides to every hobo | you come across.

[ Ernest ] | But Mr. Dillis, this wasn'tjust a hobo.

This guy was different.

Call it clairvoyance,

call it ''extra-sensitory perspiration.''

I just had this hunch.

I am not running | a charity operation here.

This is a business, | and we're supposed to make money,

and good samaritans like you | don't make money!

I've had it with you, Ernest.

You're fired!

Ernest, it was a dead-end job, anyway.

I mean, it's nowhere | working for a guy like that.

If there hadn't been children present,

it would have been | a very ugly scene indeed.

Know what I mean?

Hey, take this with you!

[Jingle ]

Why didn't you just tell him | you were robbed?

This could have all been avoided | if you'd just lied.

Merry Christmas.!

Ooh!

Ernest, you are in serious need of help.

Ooh.

- Wait a minute. Stand fast, Bobby. | - [ Scratch, Scratch ]

I think I hear something.

[ Crunch ]

Ahhhh!

[ Whoosh ]

Do you remember anything | about the cab,

beside the fact | that it was yellow?

No ''Worrell'' at City Cab.

I can try Metro.

I kept track of him | until he was 1 1 or so;

Ernest, I mean.

What a good boy.

Not very bright.

He grew up with this guy.

I think his name was Vern.

What is with you and this rummy?

You've already blown | your appointment with Derek.

He's a nice old man. | He seems a little confused.

I think we can | take a little time to help him out.

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