Ernest Saves Christmas Page #3

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All right, all right.

Head on over there.

I'll help Mr. Whiskers | find his whatever-it-is,

and meet you at the studio.

Mr. Santos, listen, I'm sorry,

but I have an appointment | I really have to keep.

Marty will take care of you.

But,Joe, | really need to talk to you.

[ Marty ] Yes,yes,yes, | whatever it is, Mr. Santos,

you can tell me. | I'm Marty Brock,Joe's agent.

So, Mr. Santos, | do you live around here?

No. I have to go and find Joe. | Excuse me.

Do you have any family, | any friends, any money?

I had some U.S. currency; | rather a large amount.

I gave it away last year...

to a 5-year-old named | Bobby Bidderman.

What about now, Mr. Santos?

The name is Santa Claus.

Ooh.

Why don't you just | stay right here...

and I'll take care of everything.

Okie-dokie?

Good.

Yes.

Such a nice man.

[ Ernest ] | Vern, what a guy.

Yeah, me and Vern | go back a long way.

We spend the holidays together.

I help him work on his house | and stufflike that.

Me and old Vern are tighter | than stretched duct tape.

I guess you could say | we're cut from the same bark.

Old Vern's done pretty good | for himself, though.

If it weren't for me, | he wouldn't be where he is today.

I taught him all he knows | about nuclear physics.

Know what I mean?

Yeah, Vern's always happy to see me.

He's my best buddy, | and he throws the greatest parties.

Course, we're a little early, | so we can help him decorate,

and maybe put out the food.

Those little finger sandwiches,

and cheeseballs, and bean dip!

I hope he's got | something I can eat,

not just lots of things | made of white sugar and red meat.

I think eating red meat | makes people overly aggressive.

They kill people and stuff.

Know what I mean?

You're as right as rain, puddin'.

Pork's my meat.

Ho, ho, ho, Vern! | Merry Christm--

I thought you said this Vern | was a friend of yours.

Vern's just like that.

He'll do anything for a laugh.

Come on.

- It's Santa's little party helper! | - Hi!

- This is Harmony. | - [ Crack ]

She's been having a tough time, | so I'm helping her out.

You know, | kind of a ''father image'' thing.

''As the twig is bent, | so grows the tree.''

Know what I mean?

It'll look good right over here.

[ Harmony ] | Nice place. It's really you.

Yep, I'll just set it right in there.

[ Crunch ]

Umph!

Ugh!

Don't worry, Vern, | I'll make it fit.

[ Creak, Creak ]

Ugh!

Just hang some tinsel and lights | on this puppy--

Aaooh!

Party punch.

Yeah, that ought to hold.

[ Tree Creaks ]

[ Slurp ]

Ahh!

- Superb. | - [ Crack ]

[ Crunch ]

I've got to find Joe.

If I don't find him,

so many children | will be disappointed.

Officer, you've got to let me go.

Do you really think | that was necessary?

He seemed so harmless,

and in a strange way, | sincere.

Come on. | He's obviously disoriented.

A transient, walking around | with play money in his pocket,

pretending to be Santa Claus.

Is that who he thinks he is?

His real name is Santos.

He got fired.

Some crazy old guy stiffed him | for a $30 cab ride,

and instead of calling the cops,

Bobo here | knocked down the meter.

Are those bacon cheeseburgers?

Vern, it ain't like | the cab company can't afford...

to give somebody a free ride | every now and then.

And after all, Vern, | it's Christmastime.

It's a time for giving.

[ Rip ]

A time for chestnuts | opening on a roasted fire.

[ Rip ]

A time for sleigh bells | tinkling in the snow.

Ugh!

Vern, that puppy's really stuck. | Know what I mean?

[ Rip ]

You know, Vern,

it looks like a transmutation | of your 1 1 0 and your 220.

Know what I mean?

[ Pop ]

[ Pop ]

[ Santa ] | I arrived herejust today.

I had a simplejob to do,

and then, | everything started to get unraveled.

First, I lost my sack,

and now this.

If you'd only take a moment | and just try to understand--

Come on, pops,

we got some paperwork to do.

You're making a very big mistake.

Hey, look at this.

[ Officer ] | I never saw anything like this before.

''I'm frightened.''

''Don't worry. It's only thunder.

''We'll all be safe here...

together.''

Oh, great.

You kids are terrific actors. | You really are.

I want to thank you | because you helped me a lot.

I was a little nervous.

He's a natural with the kids.

He's already got them saying | ''please'' and ''thank you.''

You're the director, Carl,

but personally, | I think there's chemistry here.

Chemistry is very important.

Chemistry.

- You've got it, they want it. | - Really?

Yeah, yeah.

They want to shoot some tests | tomorrow,

- but don't worry about that. | - Great!

By the way, | what happened to the old guy?

Forget him. You've got | a new career about to fire up.

Good, but did he ever | find his sack or whatever it was?

Yeah, yeah. | Taken care of.

[ Squeak ]

[ Squeak ]

[ Squeak ]

I know what we need, Vern. | Bolt cutters!

[ Splat ]

[Jingle ]

[Jingle ]

[ Giggles ]

He's him.

[ Harmony ] | There's no such thing. | Think about it,;

a guy who flies around | the whole world...

in one night.

It just doesn't quite correspond...

with the laws of time and travel.

Now, now, now, it's possible.

Take the international date line, | multiply it by the time zones,

divide it by the accelerated rotation | of the Earth.

Now, carry the one.

Allowing for the vernal equinox | on the Tropic of Cancer,

he might just pull it off.

All right, all right.

Let's just say this guy | really is Santa Claus, okay?

Why is he riding around...

in airplanes and taxicabs?

Where's his sleigh?

Where are his reindeer?

[ Chomping And Snorting ]

You know what I think that is?

[ Chomp, Snort ]

I think those are...

Latvian goats.

Wait a minute.

It-- It could be aliens.

[ Whoosh ]

[ Whoosh ]

- [ Knock ] | - Is anybody in there?

Santa, are you in there?

[ Knock, Knock ]

I've got your sack. | It's safe.

I told you, they're all gone.

What is this about, anyway?

I don't know.

Well, I think I know, but--

Come over here a second.

[ Ernest ] | I want to show you something.

Watch this.

[Jingle ]

[ Giggles ]

Whoa, groovy Tuesday!

I am going to slowly and carefully...

reach into this glowing bag...

and see if my finely honed instincts...

are correct.

No, no. | Don't do it.

I mean, you don't know | what's in that bag.

You don't know | where that bag's been.

It could be some kind of...

portable core-meltdown | or something.

No problem.

[ Grunts ]

Oh, ahh, oh.

[ Harmony ] | Careful, careful.!

Ooh-ooh.

I told you. | Now you're nuked, man.

Unless I'm wrong, | and I hardly ever am,

this is for you.

[ Zing ]

Now ain't thatjust exactly | what you wanted for Christmas?

Are you crazy? | Totally un-awesome.

No, man, get with it. | I need something major.

Okay, that was just for practice.

Now, I'm in the groove.

Now, I am at one with the magic.

How about this?

Like it?

That's you.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ah-ha!

[ Flap, Flap ]

Come on, Ernest. | It doesn't work for you.

Nah!

Right through here. | Come on!

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