Ernest Saves Christmas Page #4

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Look, guy, if your nose is clean,

you'll get a hot meal | and be out on the street...

before you can say, | ''Frosty the Snowman.''

But it would be a lot better | if you'd give me your real name.

I've told you.

I've told everybody.

My name is Santa Claus.

Okay, we'll just go with ''John Doe.''

Now, see here.

This is a really | horrible misunderstanding.

I need to find a man | named Joe Carruthers.

You have one phone call.

I can't explain something | like this on the telephone.

Well, unless you have | some magical powers,

that's the only way | you'll talk to him tonight.

Age?

One hundred and fifty-one.

We've got to find him.

We've got to get this sack | back into the right hands.

You saw how it was.

Even me, | noted ''philanthropic'' that I am,

couldn't get the right stuff | out of this sack.

Do you know what this means?

It really works!

It means the end of Christmas | on this planet...

as we know it.

There's only one person authorized | to operate this sack:;

his big red oneness, | ''The Claus.''

[ Officer] | Open ''D'' cell.

[ Officer] | Close ''D.''

[ Prisoner ] | This ain't no flophouse, buddy.

[ Prisoner ] | I don't believe it.

This place is full already.

[ Laughter ]

[ Smack ]

Rise and shine!

It's time to put | fuel in the tank...

and rubber on the road;

and reunite old Father Christmas,

a close, personal friend of mine,

with his magic sack.

Ernest, I'm not much | of a morning person.

Do you think we could just | keep it down to a dull roar?

When I see His Frostiness, | I'm going to ask him...

how he got in my house | when I was a kid,

because we didn't | even have a chimney.

I suppose you have a theory on this.

My theory is...

he got in through | the forced-air heating system.

You kill me.

You talk like you | believe all this stuff;

all this Christmas, | Santa Claus,

fa-la-la-la-la stuff.

Of course, I believe.

Christmas is a known fact.

Millions of people, | all over the world,

celebrate Christmas | every single year;

with colorful cards,

and festively wrapped packages | with big bows.

One Christmas eve, | I was lying in bed.

I thought I heard a noise | in the heat ducts.

And you thought | it was reindeer on the roof?

No, I thought | it was Santa Claus...

trapped in the heating system.

I pictured him | wandering around in there...

trying to find a way out,

and finally turning himself | into sort of this big blob,

and oozing through the vent covers.

You're a sick man, Ernest.

We've got to eat | and find ''The Claus.''

With my tracking skills, | that should be no problemo.

Comprendo?

[ Sizzle ]

Ahhh.

I like lots and lots of butter | with mine, don't you?

Lots of butter.

Oooh.

[ Snort ]

Oh, yeah.

Alien goats, all right.

I read about this in The Enquirer.

Reindeer? | But I knew that!

It's part of the same species.

[ Whoosh ]

That's six out of eight.

Bobby, there is something | real significant going on here.

" Five golden rings "

"Four calling birds | Three French hens "

" Two turtle doves "

[ Lone Male Voice ] | "And a partridge "

"In a pear tree ""

This one was made in | Mrs. Thompson's room.

Isn't that nice?

You have to be very careful when--

I need to find the man | who was here yesterday.

What's his name?

Santa Claus.

Who?

Santa Claus.

What'd you say?

His name is Santa Claus.

That's it, yuck it up.

He happens to be | a close, personal friend of mine.

Na-na, na-na-na.

Fifth-graders think | they know everything.

I know who you're talking about.

He's that poor old man | the police took away yesterday.

Uh-uh-uh.

Santa Claus got busted?

I gotta go.

What I really wanted | for Christmas...

was a million dollars | in small, unmarked bills.

[Jingle ]

Guess what.!

I wasn't doing anything. | I was guarding it.

Santa's in the slammer.

We've got to get him out.

Is vagrancy a capital crime?

[ Engine Starts ]

[ Tires Screech ]

No, lady,you can't have that.

Put that back.

I hate to interrupt, Chief Spenks,

but he's from the governor's office.

Great, that's just what I need today;

some know-nothing | from the capital coming down here...

and telling me how to run my--

Hello, I'm Chief Spenks. | How can I help you?

Clementh, here. | Oscar Clementh.

I'm with the governor's | State Correctional...

Institutional Prisoner | Fair Treatment Task Force.

And this is the governor's niece,

Mindy.

Mindy's writing a school paper...

on ''How government really works.''

How nice.

This is a surprise inspection, Chief.

Now, wait just a minute.

Do you need an education to be chief, | or can anybody do it?

We had to fight through...

an army ofTV cameramen | just to get in here.

Now, look here--

Is that ''Spinks'' or ''Spenks''?

- Now, look-- | - I can't tell you what a...

pet project this is | of Governor Ellington's.

TV cameramen. | Are we communicating here?

Were you elected into office,

or did you just buy your way in?

Isn't she a doll?

[ Spenks ] | The goal of this facility...

is to rehabilitate | and retrain the whole man;

and to make possible | his smooth reentry into society,

once he's paid for | the crimes he's committed.

These are our most recent offenders.

[ Officer] | Open ''D'' cell.

Be sure to take copious notes, Mindy,

and watch that penmanship.

Who's the old man?

Um, Mr. Santos.

Mr. Santos,

how have you been treated | since you've been here?

My name is Santa Claus.

Excuse me?

Santa Claus.

Did he say ''Santa Claus''?

I think so.

My good man, | you are not Santa Claus.

I am!

- Are not. | - Am too!

- Are not. | - Am too!

Are not!

I am too, and you know it!

This man thinks | he is Santa Claus,

and you keep him in | a cell with regular,

ordinary, everyday, | harmless criminals?

Excuse me,

but he really is Santa Claus.

You see that? | Infectious insanity.

This man needs to be isolated.

- Are you getting this? | - Uncle Herbert will be shocked.

Maybe it's a mistake; | a clerical error.

Is this the way | government really works?

[ Ernest ] | Look at those beady twinkling eyes,

those merry cheeks.

I bet when he laughs he shakes | like a bowl full of jelly.

Call my office | and tell them I'm taking...

this menace to society | to the padded party room.

I hate for you to have | to see this, my dear.

I'd hate for Uncle Herbert | to have to see this.

Oh, don't tell him.

The governor would | make a throw rug...

out of this man's chest hair.

Move it, pops!

[ Prisoner ] | See you, Santa.

[ Prisoner ] | Take it easy, Santa.

Can we still get ice cream?

[ Ernest ] | Of course we can, but none for him.

[ Prisoner ] | We'll be good.!

All right! | Was that cool or what?

''Is this the way | government really works?''

They bought it! | Oh, what a team.

That was close. | Thank you, Ernest.

Time is running out.

This is great.

You are the most famous person | I've ever met.

You're him:
| ''Mr. Twinkle in the Eye,''

''Mr. Rosy Cheeks,''

''Mr. Ho-Ho.!''

I've got sugarplums | dancing in my head as we speak.

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