Every Thing You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask Page #2

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Perfect. Closed solid.

More solid than any...

My hand is caught

in the chastity belt.

I always keep my hand

in the cookie jars.

The King,

what shallst we do?

The King?

Yes. Quickly,

comest into the dress immediately.

My Queen!

Where is my Queen?

Very casual,

as though nothing had happened.

Oh my Queen! A noise,

dreadful pounding did awaken me...

making my mood most foul.

My Lord,

you did startle me.

Hi Milord. Be a good King, wouldst thou,

and bring me a drink of water.

The fool haveth mean his jest most graceful

details in thine absence.

Haha Milord, tickling

the royal funny bones, so to speak.

Ay, because you see 'tis most lonely

when thou nappest.

Ay Milord,

for me too.

I still...

don't think he is funny.

I got some new ones

for you, Milord:

what's black and white, black and white,

black and white?

A nun falling down for the stairs.

Come,

give me a kiss.

- Course Milord, stick out your tongue.

- Not you!

- I'm leaving.

- I will accompany thee to the door.

At last.

At last we are alone.

Ay, my Lord.

My Lord, I would...

The key.

Where is it?

Ah, here it is.

You tickle me.

Hi, Milord.

Remember you said that if was ever in town

I should look up your wife?

I don't know what

everybody's so upset for.

I never humped her.

Just clean up my neck a little,

leave the top full.

Give me a good "ah".

In this side of my arm,

mostly at night.

I don't notice the impression in daytime,

but at night it bothers me.

I don't want to hurt you

but how far can you raise it?

Mr. Milos

would you come with me, please?

Come in, Mr. Milos.

sit down right over here.

I just want to get

some history first.

- Your name is...

- Stavros Milos.

- And your address?

- Armenia.

Armenia?

- I am from Armenia.

- I'm visiting my brother.

- I see.

- Occupation?

- Shepherd.

- A shepherd?

- My whole family.

Except for my brother over here,

who is a rug salesman.

Have you had

any major illnesses?

None. Good.

So now,

what seems to be the trouble?

I'm in love with a sheep.

I beg your pardon?

I am in love with a sheep.

Ah... I see.

See, doctor. Up there in the mountains

where I tend my flocks...

it's so beautiful

under the starred skies...

and I am alone.

And sometimes I get so lonely.

And the hours pass,

and soon I desire a woman.

But doctor, there are no women.

I'm not married and...

Well, one night,

last summer...

I could stand it no longer.

My body needed to be satisfied.

- And... I saw her

- Who?

- Daisy.

- Sheep?

I took Daisy off

to a little cove...

and there, under the Armenian sky,

we had sexual intercourse.

- With the sheep?

- Naturally.

Oh God!

It was the greatest lay

I ever had.

Mr. Milos, forgive me...

if I seemed all shocked.

I'm sorry.

Doctor, Mrs. Goldblatt is on the phone

about her rupture.

Later, later.

Mr. Milos...

Of course I'm happy

for the two of you...

but I do have

other patients.

And unless there is some...

specific way

that I could help you...

Doctor, please.

One minute.

See, the point is...

she no longer loves me.

That's why I'm here.

Because she's fallen out of love with me.

How can you tell that?

Oh, little things.

She is cold, indifferent.

Speak to her.

She'll listen to you.

Mr. Milos...

you are...

crazy.

I brought her all the day

from Armenia.

My brother says you are a great doctor.

You saved his life once.

You need a psychiatrist.

I am a medical doctor.

Speak to her, please.

I can't talk to a sheep.

Are you nuts?

She's outside,

in my brother's truck.

Would you get out of my office,

please?

I'm an MD!

I'm not a veterinarian!

I'll bring her in.

Don't bring any sheep in this office!

My mother just got finished paying for it!

Doctor, I am a simple man.

I'm no great man of wisdom.

- My brother says you are a great man.

- I'm not.

I'm just an ordinary GP,

that's all I am.

- I'll get her.

- No, Mr. Milos, what you don't understand.

It's not normal...

to experience mature love

for anything with four legs!

Wait till you meet her.

I can't believe that.

- I can't.

- This prescription isn't working.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Would you sit down?

Would you sit down, Mrs...?

I can't, I'll talk...

Dr. Ross, this is Daisy.

Ah. Good.

Why don't you take her

right into my office.

You'll have to excuse me.

The sheep has...

strip throat.

Mr. Milos, I'm gonna have

to call the police.

Can we talk for a minute?

Mr. Milos, don't put that sheep on my desk, please.

You shouldn't do that.

- Isn't Daisy beautiful?

- Yes, she is beautiful.

Mr. Milos,

you are a very nice man.

I don't want to see

you get down to trouble.

what I don't think

you understand is that...

you have...

a psychiatric problem.

You really need to see a...

someone in

the psychiatry field.

I'm a medical doctor.

I know you didn't mean any harm...

bringing the sheep in here, but...

I have patients, you know?

Kidney problems and...

heart problems, and...

seeing a sheep just like that...

Hello, Daisy.

She is...

wonderful!

I'm doctor Ross.

Doug Ross.

I'd like to see

the two of you again...

but right now, you know

my office is jammed full.

Oh I knew you could help.

Thank you, doctor.

As a matter of fact...

if I could see Daisy alone...

maybe, you know...

Anything.

Anything.

- Darling, what's the matter?

- Nothing.

I'm just a little tired,

that's all.

Why don't you turn in early.

What're you doing?

Well, just nothing.

You're not doing just nothing.

You are fondling your landswool sweater.

I was not fondling

my landswool sweater.

What would I do

something like that for?

Well, God knows!

Doctor...

Mr. Milos brought in his sheep.

She's here?

Alright,

show her in.

Thank you.

You can go.

Hi...

darling.

I know this must all seem

very strange to you.

You're from the hills of Armenia,

and me from Jackson Heights.

And yet...

I think it could work...

if we gave it a chance.

A room, please.

Thank you very much.

Wait a second.

Here you are.

Do you want the "Do Not Disturb" sign

on the door?

No, that's alright.

Ah alright, yes.

Thank you very much.

Room service?

This is Dr. Ross in room 525.

I would like to have

some chilled white Burgundy...

a little caviar,

and some grass.

Oh,

just plain green grass.

That's 525.

Thank you.

Little Daisy.

Let's be gentle.

I'm... I can't.

I'm exhausted.

Boy...

that was really something.

I never thought

it could be like this.

Never in my wildest imagination.

You're really something special.

I love our L-shaped room.

I'll never forget these afternoons

we have together.

I don't think I'd ever known

such peace and happiness in my life.

I hope you feel the same way.

Sorry, I'm sorry honey.

I was out when you phoned.

Emergency house call.

Mmmh you smell good.

Darling...

is it my imagination,

or do you always smell from lamb chops?

What do you mean, lamb chops?

What kind of silly thing is that

to say about lamb chops?

How could I possibly smell of lamb chops?

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