Every Thing You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask Page #4

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Are you sure you're right?

All right, all right.

Who's the lady whose purse was snatched?

It's perfectly ok, officer.

I forgive the little rascal.

I'm sorry,

but I have to fill a report.

I don't want to press charges.

Really, silly.

- What's happening outside, Alvin?

- There's a crowd, and police.

- Police?

- Exciting!

Me too.

I follow fire engines.

Let's look.

Name?

Jasmine.

Jasmine Glitz.

- That's a very unusual name.

- Oh, you're sweet.

What seems to be the trouble,

officer?

It's nothing to be alarmed about.

It's just routine purse snatching.

Purse...

I'm sorry, lady.

I'm very sorry.

- If I lose my baby...

- Baby? Why don't you come in and lie down?

- I'm three months' pregnant.

- I'm sorry.

My gynecologist told me

to avoid excitement.

- Please, come inside, let me...

- No, no.

Oh! My god!

She's my husband!

Sam! Sam Waterman?

Yes! Sam Waterman!

Yes, I am a man!

Look! Pull!

George! Look!

Zip me up! Zip me now!

Yes, look at this.

And this.

Sam, you should have told me,

that's so.

I would have understood.

It's not the kind of thing

that's easy to talk about.

Sam, we've been married for years.

I love you, you love me.

You could have come to me, and say:

"Tess, I have a diseased mind.

I'm a sick individual.

I need help.

I need treatment.

I'm perverted.

I'm unfit to function

with normal, decent people."

- I would have understood.

- Thanks dear.

Tess, I'm gonna see Dr. Fillmore

next week.

- I'm glad.

- You're wonderful.

The look on their faces

when the police removed your hat...!

Brought to you by Lancer's,

the hair-conditioner for men.

You still use the same old stuff

in your hair, huh?

Yes. Why?

Try this.

- Lancer's, really?

- Go ahead.

Hey, this is great.

No grease or oil.

That's right. Grooms and conditions

at the same time.

It smells great too.

Lancer:
the conditioner

that grooms and conditions.

Lancer. For that better groom look.

A product of K Pharmaceuticals.

Thank you very much,

ladies and gentlemen.

The most cordial welcome, once again,

to "What's My Perversion?"

Panel members,

you're all looking splendid this evening.

Pamela and Tony, so beautiful,

and Regis and Robert Q., so handsome.

We have some very interesting

guests with us this evening...

and I think we should get right

to them this moment.

So, first guest,

will you sign in, please.

Bernard...

Jaffe.

Jaffe, would you sit down, sir?

A pleasure to have you with us here on

"What Is My Perversion?"

- I think you know the rules of our game.

- Yes I do.

You'll get 5$ every time the panel

comes up with a "no" answer.

And to start the game going,

would you be kind enough to...

whisper in my ear

what your perversion is.

And while you're doing that

we'll all at the studio and the home audience...

know exactly what your perversion is.

Good, alright

panel members.

Studio audience, the home audience knows

what his perversion is.

- We start the questioning with Robert Q. Lewis.

- Thank you, Jack.

Mr. Jaffe:
is this one of those

nice perversions...

that any guy might indulge in?

Anybody can do it.

I'm sure you could.

- It's just a matter of wanting to.

- I see. Thank you.

Is this one of the perversions

that might best be performed in the home...

- or could you just do it anywhere?

- Not necessarily...

I think that'll get a "no" answer

and 5$ to you, Mr. Jaffe.

And we turn the question over

to Pamela Mason.

Is it something that is

done with the hands?

- Can you help me with that?

- Yes.

I would think that would not necessarily

have to play a part in the procedure.

And we give you a "no" answer on that,

and it's 10$ for you, Mr. Jaffe.

And Regis Philbin is up next.

When you're doing your perversion...

Do you have any need for...

for props?

Props?

- You know, whips or leather boots.

- Oh, no.

No no, that's definitively not necessary.

15$, Regis Philbin. And now Tony Holt.

Mr. Jaffe, would a telescope

or a pair of binoculars...

be helpful to you in any time?

It would have to be

pointed...

in the right direction.

But I think we have to object

to say that...

it would not be helpful to you,

but rather to somebody else.

And in that respect, I think

we must give you a "no" answer, Tony.

- Robert Q. Lewis.

- Are you...

I'll take a wild guess.

Are you a rapist?

- Hardly.

- No.

Not at all.

25$, and Pamela Mason.

I'll pass to Regis.

Is it self-contained?

Yes,

I carry it with me at all times.

I'm gonna take a guess,

I think I have it.

- What is it?

- Do you molest children?

No, I'm afraid

you're all at the wrong track.

Would you like to tell them

exactly what your perversion is?

You already have your 50$.

- Yes. I like to expose myself

on subways.

Sorry, panel members.

And now,

the winner of this week's contest.

As you know, each week we'll give you at home

an opportunity to play our game with us.

We ask you to write and tell us

exactly what your perversion is.

We select the most interesting letter,

the contestant is flown in...

and we give that contestant a chance

to act out his fantasy here on the program.

And now, it's with a great deal of pleasure

that I present this week's winner.

Ladies, gentlemen

and members of the panel...

here from of Muncie, Indiana, is our winner,

rabbi Chaim Baumel.

Well, congratulations to you,

Chaim Baumel.

Excuse me.

It's not Chaim.

It's not Caim.

- It's pronounced "Jaim".

- Jaim.

Very good.

I understand that, in addition to being

a very distinguished clergy...

you have a very, very fascinating fetish.

- You mean a hang-up.

- Yes.

Yes. Silk stockings.

- Silk stockings?

- I love silk stockings.

To touch them, to hug them...

Now, you wrote in your letter

that what you'd like is to be...

tied up.

For this we need the help

of one of the members of the panel.

How about someone to tie him up?

Regis Philbin, would you?

Excuse me.

Must be a girl.

A girl. Alright,

we certainly have two lovely girls.

Pamela, would you do the honors

and tie up the rabbi?

- I would love to.

- Rabbi?

Now Pamela is going to tie

the rabbi Baumel...

according to the wishes

as expressed in his letter.

I haven't had a lot of experience,

rabbi, but I think I can manage.

If you have any special instruction,

please let me know.

If any special area

that you'd like to have tied.

Not too tight.

Good. And now a model

from the Lucy Jones modelling agency...

is going to pretend that she is

rabbi Baumel's governess...

and she's going to

spank the rabbi.

- You've been a naughty rabbi.

- While at the same time...

Not too hard. I have to be

in the synagogue tomorrow.

Mrs. Baumel, the rabbi's wife,

who we've flown in from Indiana...

will sit at the rabbi's feet...

and eat pork.

You've been bad.

Naughty rabbi!

Now, don't you do that again.

Bad!

Naughty, naughty!

Well, here it is, America.

Another lucky winner

gets to act out his fantasy.

Now this is Jack Barry saying goodbye,

and good luck from myself and the panel.

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