Everybody Wants Some Page #11

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in front of all your new

artsy-fartsy theater major friends.

We're gonna stay here,

we're gonna play cards, you have fun.

Give me a f***ing break.

Finn. Finn. Finn.

- Hey, come on, look at me.

- Don't do it.

- Hey, look at me. Look at me.

- Don't look.

Stay strong.

All right, I beg you. No, I implore you

to come to this party.

All right, I realize that

I wouldn't know how to make it

through this world without

all of your unsolicited wisdom.

And all you guys' constant fuckwithery.

What do you say?

You don't really mean that.

I wouldn't say it if I didn't.

Can you give us a moment?

Of course I can.

- Your call.

- I wanna go.

- Theater party.

- Theater party.

Theater party!

Guys, were we supposed

to wear a costume?

You are in costume,

of a dipshit.

Oh, sh*t,

it's the Led Zeppelin dude.

Yo, what's happening, man?

- It's creepy!

- Tell me about it.

Holy sh*t.

The inside is even weirder.

This ain't no frat party.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Feel the freak!

Dude, how great is this?

Cha-chao!

Hey, girls, how you doing? I'm Roper.

Hey, Brum, go get some drinks, man.

F***!

- Did you see that?

- What?

A f***ing cat.

Cats shouldn't be in fridges.

Best costume ever. Amazing.

- Jake! Hey! Hi!

- Hey! Hey!

- You're blonde!

- I know.

I'm really glad you came.

Except for, I think... This one.

Yeah, you need this. Yeah.

Yeah?

Hi. I'm Debra Kadabra.

What are you gonna do with that?

And now, I can officially

welcome you to Oz.

Hi, guys. I'm Beverly.

- Hi, Beverly.

- Good to see you.

Three words,

thoroughly equipped dungeon.

Can I borrow you

for something really quickly?

'Cause someone dropped out,

and it's really easy,

and it's gonna be really fun.

- Yeah. Sure.

- Okay.

Well, I gotta go inside

for a second, but I'll see you soon.

- Cool.

- Okay.

Ooh!

He's being modest.

Not only is he

a pre-season All-American,

you're gonna be seeing

this guy on TV someday.

Now, this guy,

this guy's the best

third baseman in the state!

Like a f***ing

vacuum cleaner down there, man.

F*** that.

We're taking that sh*t this year.

It's this year.

Hey, that's what I'm talking about, man.

F*** losing the playoffs.

We're taking it all this year.

- You're into astrology?

- Of course.

So, you've had your chart done?

Oh, yeah. It's fascinating.

- I'm a Leo.

- Uh-oh.

Yeah, I know, I know.

A little full of myself.

Hmm.

- But I'm very loyal...

- Mmm-hmm.

Confident...

Right.

The chart says I'm overly confident,

but the truth is

I wound easily.

It also says I'd make

a great father someday,

but I don't know.

You gotta

be shittin' me, man!

You wound easily, poor Finnegan.

Astrology? Mr. Cause-and-

Effect Rationalist?

Who are these guys?

Oh, excuse us. Uh, I'm a Scorpio.

- I'm Jake.

- Don't do it.

Has he told you about his average cock?

Has he told... Finn!

Did you tell her, Finn?

Did you tell her?

"Hey, so have you had

your chart done?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm a Leo.

You know, very confident..."

You know what, if I had a prohibition

against sleeping with all women

who believed in astrology,

I'd still be a virgin, all right?

I'm being practical.

I'd rather die a virgin

than say my chart says

I'll make a good father someday.

Just because you guys

are laying bricks with the ladies,

you know, I stepped up.

I was talking her language,

I was meeting her on her level.

Instead of making fun of me,

you should be taking notes.

- Hmm.

- Yeah?

And by the way,

she was really f***ing cute.

She was really f***ing cute,

and you immature jerkoffs

just f***ed up my whole rap!

Coming around talking sh*t like that.

You know what, your little...

F***ing little jealous a**hole crap

just pulling me back in the boiling pot!

Oh, Finn, come on!

By the way, you know what?

Have you noticed,

whenever we're around baseball,

all we talk about is p*ssy.

Now, we're actually around a few

potentially interesting young women,

all you talk about is baseball!

It's a little f***ed up!

Bachelor number three,

what would be your dream date

and your dream girl?

My dream girl and my dream date.

- Yes.

- That's a very tough question.

Um, I suppose my dream girl

would come bearing tea

and special crumpets,

preferably in the bed, as well.

And we could get hopped up

on the tea and the crumpets.

- Is this the Mad Hatter?

- Yes.

Curious and curiouser.

Bachelor number one!

- Oh, yes!

- Yes.

- Um, hello.

- Oh, hello.

Uh, give me your best pick-up line.

Would you like to come see

my large collection of heads,

so that I can give you some?

Is the

Queen of Hearts a dude?

Ooh, a good one.

Red Queen, very interesting.

Oh, that wasn't for you, sweetie.

Bachelor number two!

What is the most trouble

you've ever gone to, to meet a girl?

Bachelor number two? Are you there?

I'm... I'm late!

I'm late for a very important date.

Ah!

Ah!

All right, Mr. Rabbit.

It must've been awfully important like...

Like a party or something.

Yeah, totally.

All right then.

Bachelor number one.

You've just invited me over

for dinner, haven't you?

307, right?

- The feminist.

- Mmm.

What, no speech?

No.

I'm kind of the silent type, you know?

What's one kiss from...

That is so sexy.

- Priceless.

- Priceless, is it?

Okay, being completely honest...

Uh-oh.

When you said you liked

the quiet guy in the back seat best,

was it just a line

to piss off the other guys in the car,

or was it true?

- Why do you ask?

- I'm curious.

You're curious about what?

You know, we all make up this

romantic crap in our heads.

I'm just looking for some kind of...

I think it's a little bit of both.

What does that mean?

Did I

think that the quiet guy

in the back seat was cute?

Yes.

Okay.

Would I have walked up to you

in a crowd, completely alone,

unprovoked, by the way,

and said that? No.

So, my obnoxious teammates

actually helped me on this one?

- I think they did.

- Sh*t!

They're good for something after all.

I was definitely messing with them,

but I meant what I said.

Don't make me say it again.

Is this your

first-choice school, or...

No, I applied to a few,

but this was the best school

that also offered me a scholarship.

You mean, you had to, like,

write a bunch of essays

and all that fun stuff?

- Just one.

- Oh. What'd you write about?

The topic was to take a Greek myth

and relate it to your own life.

So you wrote about Aphrodite

and being a baseball slut.

Kind of.

Sh*t. No. Uh...

I just took Sisyphus and baseball,

and just kinda...

You wrote about that for your essay...

How did you even, like...

...those two things together?

Yeah, I did, believe it or not.

I mean, the point

of the whole thing is that

the gods intend for Sisyphus

to suffer, right?

Right.

Well, my point was that

they'd actually blessed him

with something to focus on, you know,

something that he could

potentially find meaning in.

You know, it's a gift to be

striving at all, you know,

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