Everybody Wants Some Page #3

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Yeah, yeah.

They're talking about his dick, man!

- F***in' with me.

- No...

You heard of "foot in the door"?

Of course.

Finn's got his dick in the door.

That's f***ing genius.

- Genius. Yes!

- Genius!

- F***.

- I tell you.

Hey, you see what I see?

- You know them?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's Michelle with her friend Val.

What's the book on them?

The book is,

we're going over to rap with them.

- Yeah?

- Oh, hell, yes.

Let's get it.

Hey, which one you going after?

Oh, Michelle, definitely.

- The one on the right.

- The tall one?

I'm climbing that tree, Jake!

- I hear Val is fun. Go for it!

- All right, cool.

- Val?

- How you doing, Dale?

- Michelle.

- Dale.

Michelle, Val, this is Jake.

- Hey there.

- What's up?

Oh, I love this song! Come on.

It's Jake.

Val.

Are you gonna ask me to dance,

or are you just gonna stand there?

I'm asking you to dance.

Hey, what position do you play?

Pitcher.

Oh, cool. And you're a freshman?

Yeah, yeah. You?

I'm a sophomore.

I live in the apartment next to Angie.

Oh, cool.

Hey, do you live in those

new baseball houses?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yes! Yes! Ooh,

two at a time, bro! Shoot!

Just a second.

Wait here a second.

Soul brother, what's the deal, man?

I don't know, man.

Finn's got that Leeann chick in there.

I'm gonna go upstairs real quick.

- I'll be right back.

- Huh?

I'm gonna go upstairs real quick.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Ah!

Strike three. Strike three.

Strike...

...and his answer is,

his answer is,

"It needs some tail." And ol' Ben says,

"Well, that's what I told Mrs. Franklin.

She told me to go fly a kite!"

"Go fly a kite!"

Oh, man, that's funny.

- Hey, what's going on, Jacob?

- What's up, man?

So, where you guys been tonight?

Oh, shoot, man.

We went over to the

Guaranteed Wholesome.

What about you?

Uh, Sound Machine.

Sound Machine, all right.

Yeah. Hey, Beuter.

I mean, Billy. Uh...

Look, man, I got a little lady downstairs

who maybe wants to come up here

and check out my album collection,

you know?

How about that? Hey, Jacob,

didn't Coach Gordan say this afternoon

that we weren't supposed

to have girls upstairs?

He said something about that, didn't he?

Yeah. Yeah, he did.

But, I mean, half the guys in this house

just broke that rule, you know?

So I kind of decided

not to be like a one-man holdout on that.

Yeah. Yeah, you is

a team player, ain't you?

Huh.

So, what you want me to do?

I don't know, man.

Just, uh, do the right thing, you know?

Give me the room alone for a bit.

Huh.

You know, man, but my girlfriend,

she lives out of town, right?

So what, you want me to just

pitch a tent on the couch

all the time, or what?

Not all the time.

Just this little window of time.

- Little window? Yeah.

- Yeah.

Look, come on, man,

you guys are already

breaking the alcohol rule.

Or is there a waiver for Lone Star?

Dang, that sure is Lone Star.

That's alcohol right there.

Alcoholic beverage in there.

I'll be danged.

Well, man, I'll tell you what,

I gotta get up early

for registration in the morning.

Plus, I think Mr. Finnegan

set up a room downstairs for that.

Yeah, he's in there.

Wow!

Well, shoot,

I reckon he'll be

out of there before too long, won't he?

Un-f***ing-believable.

You go get 'em, Jacob.

Go show her them albums.

All right, bro.

Let's go somewhere quiet.

I feel like the Astros

are gonna make it to the World Series.

Tom, you know I wouldn't ask you this

unless it were very important.

Erica's such a b*tch.

Yeah, she's definitely cheating on him.

What?

Hey, Beuter, you leaving us already?

Running home to mama, Perkins?

Come on, y'all, my name ain't Beuter.

Okay, guys? It's Billy Autrey.

Bullshit!

It's Beuter Perkins

until we tell you otherwise.

Now, where you going, BP?

You running back to that

corn-fed girlfriend of yours already?

No, sir, I'll be back Sunday for practice.

Well, well, well!

Looks like Beuter Perkins

is getting laid this weekend. Huh?

You finally trading in that phone

for the real thing?

Shoot, y'all.

Man, guys,

she says she might be pregnant.

No, sir.

Yeah, man, that's what she says.

How late is she?

She's a day late.

You gotta be shittin' me, Beuter!

She's one day late

and she's giving you sh*t for it?

She's testing you.

She's trying to gauge your response.

Are you the guy that says,

"Don't worry,

I'm gonna pay for the abortion,"

or are you talking about marriage?

Which is what she's hoping for.

Either way, you're f***ed.

Give it up, Beuter Perkins.

No trust me, man,

she's not f***ing pregnant, all right?

We've all been through sh*t like this.

Except for Nez, of course,

'cause he's still a virgin.

Look, she's just

taking your little chicken-fried nuts

and she's running them

through the wringer, okay?

She's just giving you sh*t for it because

you left her back on the farm

with all the other little pigs

you used to f***.

I ain't never put it in a pig!

They speaketh the truth,

young Beuter Perkins.

Man, we're just

worried about you, all right?

Yeah, man.

I mean, school hasn't even started yet,

and, guys, correct me if I'm wrong,

but you are the official frontrunner

for the Freshman Numb-Nut

of the Year award, right, guys?

The what award?

Oh, it's the annual award.

We give it out to

the most clueless freshman.

I think we've already started engraving

his name on the plaque.

How do you spell "Beuter," by the way?

My name is not Beuter!

Uh, Beuter, we also got a bet going on

whether your share of the phone bill

is gonna be under or over $300.

We gotta pay the phone bill here?

I've already done the calculations

based on its usage thus far,

way over $300.

- Really?

- Oh, yeah.

$300 and a kid?

Man, your life's gonna f***ing suck.

Fine. Fine.

Later, Beuter!

Later, Beuter!

Bye, Beuter! Beuter.

Five bucks says we never see him again.

Nez, he's gotta come back for his sh*t.

It's a bad bet.

This is why

you're losing money all the time.

A good bet would be, I don't know,

"Is his girlfriend in his family tree?"

Okay, five bucks

that his girlfriend's in his family tree.

Okay, uh, first cousin, second cousin?

First cousin, Finn.

See, that's a bad bet. I'll take the bet.

- Still bad odds.

- First cousin?

So, what do most

of the guys on the team major in?

Besides baseball and p*ssy?

Ah, you mean

when a girl asks? That's easy.

Look, there are thousands

and thousands of people

majoring in all kinds of sh*t here.

But there's only 25 of us.

We're the best team on campus.

You got a football team

that'll win about three games a year.

Basketball team hasn't won sh*t.

We are in the playoffs every year

and we're always ranked nationally.

Dale, you're confusing him.

Bottom line is this,

her friends are gonna ask,

"What's he like? What's he do?"

She's not gonna have to say the old,

"I don't know. He's a marketing major."

That's not gonna cut it.

"He's a baseball player."

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