Everybody Wants To Be Italian

$3500?

This is the best, though, right?

This material?

- lt's gotta be perfect.

- Signor Bianchi.

This is the most beautiful suit in the world.

Can you have it ready by four?

Can you have it ready by four or not?

- lt's no problem.

- Sold.

All right, l'll see you at four. Thank you.

We give him this suit.

We change it out. lt's cheaper.

lt's his size, all ready to go,

he never notices.

lt's no big deal, OK?

How you doing?

All right? Nice to see you.

Hi.

Beautiful, huh?

You, you're beautiful.

You're a lucky guy.

Hold this and don't leave.

Jackie, l can't take your money.

That one.

Every year it's the same. You come in here,

buy a ring for your anniversary...

and the same thing happens.

lt's a beautiful choice, but it ain't cheap.

She deserves the best.

What's the matter with you?

That's an expensive ring.

Why don't you let my cousin Frankie

put a zirconi on it?

l need this by four.

Kid, is this a joke?

By four?

What am l, a magician?

Get outta here!

What? Carla!

- lt's my grandmother's lipstick!

- How you doing?

What's up, Jake?

How you doing? Carla!

- You've got time to...

- He's my friend. Carla, please!

- Take care of your friend!

- Carla, please!

- How you doing, Sean?

- How are you?

- All right. Mikey!

- Hey, Jake!

- How are you?

- How are you?

- All right. Hey, Bill, Paul! What's up?

- Jackie, how are you?

l'm all right.

Good day to be in love, you know?

- Hey.

- Hey.

Gimme the bar, would you?

l want flowers so beautiful that these look

like they were lifted off a street vendor.

- This'll take days, and you give me what?

- Two hours.

- No way.

- l need 'em by four.

- l don't care.

- 4:
30, then.

- No.

- l gotta surprise her by five.

l am not gonna support your foolishness.

Theresa, you know l'm a loyal man...

but if not from you,

l'll get 'em from someone else.

You are a romantic fool.

And you make me

want to vomit, with this girl.

They'll be ready.

- Get outta here.

- Four o'clock.

Morning, fellas.

Nice of you to show up, Princess.

- Not that we're busy or anything.

- What you got for me?

Cut the heads off these

for Signora Fiorentino.

l can't. l'll take the register.

No fish work today.

Oh, no. l got the register.

Uh-uh. lt's the 19th of March, man.

- Are you out of your mind?

- Are you nuts?

What? What?

- Feels different.

- What?

ls this the suit l chose?

- What, you don't like it now?

- lt looks good, it's just...

- lt feels different, l don't know.

-Il signore looks fantastico, huh?

Good. 'Cause this guy feels beautiful,

like the sun.

lsabella, l love you more today

than l loved you when...

l loved...

lsabella, you're more beautiful to me than...

Your s...smell fresher...

That's ridiculous.

Hey! Mrs. Cordova.

How you been?

Always good...

l hate you, Mrs. Cordova.

Who is it?

lt's your dad. Buzz me up.

You're not my dad!

How do you know?

You ever been genetically tested?

Go play with your brothers.

- Jake.

- Happy anniversary!

- l got something for you.

- Do we have to do this every year?

Come on. Let me up.

This thing's burning a hole in my pocket.

l miss you so much. Just...

l just wanna talk.

Jake. What the hell are you doing?

- Yeah, what the hell are you doing?

- lt's our anniversary.

You don't have an anniversary, Jake.

She dumped you.

- Eight years ago.

- Eight years ago!

lt was a misunderstanding.

We'll work it out.

- A misunderstanding?

- l'm gonna get her back.

Jake, this is my family.

This is real.

This is between lsabella and me.

This doesn't concern you.

- She's my wife!

- She's my girlfriend!

- We're married.

- That's not my fault.

Yes, actually, it is.

Jake, please leave.

What did you expect, jackass?

Eight years. You got a serious problem.

Get over it, huh?

- She's my soulmate.

- Your soulmate with three kids.

- We've had our problems.

- l'd say.

- You cheated on her with her sister.

- And her best friend.

And her best friend,

in her parents' bedroom.

A unique opportunity.

Like you two wouldn't have done it.

lf you're soulmates, you would have

considered it before you banged her sister.

- And her best friend.

- And her best friend.

ln her parents' bed!

You disgraced their bed.

l'm a guy. lt's...it's not my fault.

Eight years.

That's psychotic. Literally.

l'm not psychotic, Steve, l'm...l'm in pain.

- You know what Freud says?

- No, l don't.

Two and a half to four years, tops.

Anything more is clinically psychotic.

l know what you guys are trying to do, OK?

l appreciate it.

But lsabella is my soulmate.

Oh, bullshit!

There's no such thing as a soulmate.

You only want her

because you can't have her.

- That and she is a hot piece of ass.

- And l love her!

''And l love her! l love her!''

What a jackass.

So how come

you dumped her four times?

Because l...l needed time.

- You know what Freud says?

- l don't care what he says.

She's still my soulmate.

Listen. Soulmates are like fish.

They're everywhere.

People fall in love because of proximity.

lt has nothing to do with the heavens.

There is a window in time when

any two people can get together.

Doesn't matter who they are.

lt's who's around at what time.

But once that window closes...

Smash! Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing.

Freud said that?

Yeah, Freud said that.

Think l make this sh*t up?

lt's wicked deep.

All right, listen.

You gotta get back in the game.

Change your bait.

- Get your rod back in the water.

- l'm still in the game.

l'm gonna get her back.

Miles! Come on, boy.

Miles!

Uh-uh. You lose an animal?

Yeah. Cats don't stray too far, though,

he should be around here somewhere.

Actually, felines are known

to hunt for miles...

outside of their own home territory.

There he is. Right there.

- See him?

- Oh, good.

l know what he wants.

Yummy.

- Thank you.

- No problem.

Give him a few minutes.

The smell is irresistible.

l'm almost finished with my classes.

Taking night classes, you know?

Finish my degree.

- l'm not all about the fish, you know.

- Of course.

Psychology.

The study of the very ill by the very odd.

Yeah, well...

So...so...

- Are you...are you involved?

- Depends on what you mean.

l mean, are you involved with anyone?

Are you looking to have

a good time with someone?

Are you interested in going on a date?

Yeah, l'm not really looking.

Oh, no, no, no, not for me!

l'm married, see, l got a ring.

lt's for a friend of mine,

a kid who works here in the store.

Jackass can't seem

to pull his sh*t together to find a wife.

Yeah... l'm pretty busy.

Course. We're all busy.

l'm sorry.

Sorry.

Come on. Are you...are you single or not?

- Technically, l'm single. But...

- Yes!

- Yes! Stay right here.

- No, no, l'm not really looking.

- Just stay there. Please!

- Oh, God.

Don't move!

Gianluca, come here. Come on.

- Thank you, but l've been seeing...

- Come on.

- Gianluca.

- ..someone...

- What did l say?

- Oh, yeah. She's attractive.

- Yeah.

- l'd have to see her without clothes.

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