Everybody Wants To Be Italian Page #2

- Naturally.

- Excuse me?

- Hips are shapely. Childbearing.

- Sweet, huh?

- Would you turn round?

- No.

- Spin around.

- Let's see you.

- Wait, wait.

- She's perfect. Let's set 'em up.

- Are you available?

- No, not really.

He's wicked good-looking.

Six feet tall, abs like Michelangelo's David.

We'll bring him to the next

ltalian singles party. Meet us.

- lf you like what you see, you wink.

- And if you don't, you just leave.

- No obligation. He'll never know.

- ltalian singles party?

- l don't think so. l'm not even...

- lt's fun!

A bunch of ltalians, singing and dancing.

What could be better?

Just hear me out. A lot of food.

- Lot of food.

- Booze, dancing.

- Girls.

- And best yet, single ltalian girls.

- What could be better?

- What could be better?

How about forks in my eyeballs?

Bamboo shoots under my fingernails.

- No, this bad idea. He's not ltalian.

- Nobody's gonna know.

l don't want to pretend to be ltalian

to hang out with a bunch of guys...

in gold chains and half-unbuttoned shirts.

- What?

- You too good to be ltalian?

- Everybody want to be ltalian.

- l don't dance.

lt's a party. You meet a few people,

listen to some ltalian music...

come down to our level

and dance a little.

- l'm not ltalian!

- Nobody's gonna know!

- Yes!

- Everybody want to be ltalian.

- Come on.

- Listen to him.

Oh, Marisa!

Take you something to eat.

You no eat enough. Come on.

l'm sorry, l can't tonight, but thank you.

But you too skinny.

Oh, you need a man.

Actually, that's why l'm here.

Do you know anything

about an ltalian club?

ltalian club? The singles club?

- But you not Italiana!

- No, l know.

But l was invited to meet a guy there.

An ltalian? No, no, no.

You don't get mixed up with an ltalian.

and that's just the ones l know about.

But you loved him.

Love?

S, of course. He was my soulmate.

But you, you're not ltalian.

And l tell you something.

ltalian men never, never

marry a girl who's not ltalian.

They play with you.

Oh, s, they like to do that.

And then they break your heart.

No. You find yourself a good Dane,

or even...

an lrishman.

Oh, mannagg.

What l'd trade for that.

l know, l know.

- What about her?

- She's all right.

- She's all right?

- She's fine.

- What do you mean, just all right?

- Come on.

You prejudiced against the most

beautiful women in the world?

No, but l'm in love, you know that.

- ''Oh, l'm in love.''

- Look.

This right here, this is all yours.

Steve and l, we're married.

You owe us this.

Oh, l owe you this?

l owe it to you to pick up girls

at an ltalian singles bar?

- Absolutely.

- Just not my thing.

- Hey, hey.

- What about her?

- Oh, she just gave you a look.

- She's cute, yeah.

That was a definite nibble.

Set the hook and reel her in.

She's hot, l'll give you that,

but l'm not interested in her.

Stop staring at me. Aren't you gonna...

- What the hell are you doing?

- You're a sea lion. Roar.

- Sea lions bark, idiot.

- Whatever.

That guido stuff

doesn't work on hot chicks.

Yeah?

- She's coming.

- She's coming over here.

- Think of something to say.

- Were you whistling at me?

No, l... lt was...my...

- l'm Marisa.

- Jake. How are you?

- Nice to meet you.

- Our friend's nervous.

l think you just melted the lining

in his underwear.

l didn't... Nothing... My underwear's fine.

Oh, nicely said.

- Do you wanna have a seat?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- OK.

- Yeah.

- At the bar? Otherwise, they'll continue.

- OK.

No, no. Just go get her a drink.

Just put it on the card.

lt's a company expense.

l'll take care of her.

- What do you think?

- You guys are too much.

But...he is...

- He's cute.

- Yeah.

- l'll give you that.

- He's smart.

- Funny.

- Very bright.

- Great sense of humor.

- lntelligent.

- OK.

- Loves children.

- Really?

- Loves kids.

- Great with them.

- Yeah.

- l like that.

- We did well.

l think we did.

Oh, here he comes. Here he comes.

Hey, the prodigal son returns.

Jerk one, jerk two.

Thank you, l'll take that as a compliment.

- To beauty.

- To beauty!

- Beauty.

- And the beasts.

So, l'm probably glad

l missed everything so far.

Why would you say that, Jake?

We were just talking about true love.

Marisa here, believe it or not,

does not believe in soulmates.

- She thinks it's bullshit.

- l didn't say that.

- Yes, you did.

- No, l didn't.

Yes, you did!

Don't listen to them. They're busting on me

'cause l believe in true love.

Well, me too. And l happen

to believe in soulmates.

Oh, come on, that is such a crock.

lt is, 'cause at any given time,

any two people can get together.

They just have to know

that each other exists.

Life is never-ending chaos,

with people struggling to exist.

- Now, that's deep.

- Thank you.

- He knows psychology.

- l do.

Look, let me just put it

in simpler terms for you.

Simple being the operative word.

Now, take you, for example.

- You're a hot piece of ass.

- Jeez.

So why aren't you selling underwear

in a Victoria's Secret catalogue?

- There's a point somewhere.

- l hope so.

- OK.

- lt's because nobody knows you exist.

But the right pictures

in the right people's hands...

next thing, you've got 1 3-year-olds

jacking off all over the world.

Why?

Because now they know you exist.

- l really apologize.

- Wow.

l thought there was

a point there somewhere.

No, l get it. l mean, it makes sense.

lt makes sense? Really?

- No, it doesn't.

- OK.

You know what?

Let me ask you a question. Why...

Why does a nice, attractive girl

like you come here...

to get hit on by the likes of them?

l don't know.

Maybe l'm just trying

to figure out what men exist.

Well. Maybe she just came

to find a nice ltalian man like Jake here.

They're not really my friends.

Ouch!

Ooh, l'm wounded. l am.

- So?

- So what?

- What happened?

- Let us live through you vicariously.

- She was sweet.

- Sweet? Chocolate's sweet!

This girl could knock the brass

off a doorknob with her smile!

Absolutely. What happened?

We had a nice evening, you know?

We spent some time together,

we talked a bit, small talk.

- And then...we went home.

- You went home?

- You nailed her at her place?

- Nothing like that.

Come on. You didn't...

You did.

You did, you did, you did, didn't you?

No, l didn't, l didn't, l didn't.

l didn't do anything.

What do you want me to say?

We had a nice time. She's nice.

But l'm still in love with lsabella.

OK. Listen.

Just, please, please tell me

that you got her phone number...

- so we can smack some sense into you.

- Yeah.

- l'm gonna cry, Pops.

- Unbelievable.

A man should cry.

l can't believe this.

How could you screw that up?

- Yes.

- You were so stupid!

Hi, guys.

- Hi.

- Hey, how you doing?

So, this is it, huh?

This is...this is it. This is...fish heaven.

Anything you desire from

the eastern seaboard, we got it here.

- Aldo Tempesti.

- Hi. Marisa.

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