Everybody Wants To Be Italian Page #3

So...

You forgot to ask for my number.

So l thought l'd...

- Loser!

- The freakin' number!

- Just in case.

- Yeah, no, yeah. This is...

This is great. You...

That's pretty...pretty handwriting.

Thank you.

OK.

You know what? Let's just

close the deal right here.

l make his hours, so...

Oh, he's available tonight.

He's got tomorrow night off.

The whole week off.

- You can call me when you want.

- No. He didn't take your number.

lt's out of his hands. Tomorrow?

No, tomorrow night's

not really good for me.

- Stay out of this, would you?

- Actually, next week is better for me.

Next week.

Tuesday's looking real good for me.

l was...l was thinking,

maybe more Monday.

At around... l don't know, seven...

- 7:
30?

- 7:
30.

- Monday.

- Monday.

Perfect. OK.

Monday it is.

- OK.

- All right.

- l'll see you then.

- See you then.

OK. Bye.

- Let me get that door for you.

- Thank you.

Yes!

Thank you.

Thanks for coming in.

- Don't screw this up.

- l'm not gonna screw anything up.

Come on. Hey! You're all thinking

with your little men, huh?

This is a big, big mistake.

This is an ltalian woman,

and ltalian women have brothers.

Oh, it's all fun and games...

until somebody loses a testicle!

That's not funny.

Tell you about my cousin Luigi, eh?

- Yeah, cousin Eunuch.

- Ah! Cousin Eunuch, see?

- He make joke, now.

- Senza Cazzo, we call him.

Get to work. A**hole.

- l want candy.

- No candy.

- Candy apples.

- Aww, l want candy!

Yeah, and what else?

- lsabella!

- Oh, God.

Oh, my God, this is so weird.

What are you doing here?

- What am l doing here?

- Yeah.

- Stay away, Jake. l mean it.

- What? Come on.

lt's the commons.

l'm just passing through.

Hey, you and me are soulmates.

l have kids, Jake, and lots of 'em.

l love kids. Plus, the big one's

probably mine anyway.

Hey. Hey! What? Did you ever

have them genetically tested?

Unreal! You know, you're unreal.

He was born 1 2 months

after we last did it.

So you say. l know. Whatever.

Come on. What's it gonna take?

Jake, please.

Please let me spare you your dignity.

But...l'm not gonna take no for an answer.

- Excuse me, sweetie.

- l'm not!

What...

What is wrong with your kids?

They don't like you, Jake.

Come on, boys. Get in.

- But...

- Good job.

l have a date on Monday night.

- Good for you.

- Wait...

Can l get a ride?

- Got a bar?

- Morning, John.

- Hey, Jake, how are you?

- All right.

- What's going on?

- l need about 50 pounds of haddock...

- Look out!

- ..20 pounds of mussels. Nice.

- All right, relax!

- Nice. See him do it?

- Beautiful.

- Nice skate.

Yeah. Think l dated a girl

looked like this, once.

- Thanks a lot, man.

- Your receipt.

- Have a good one.

- Take it easy.

l know what my boy Gianluca tell you,

but listen.

Women are sacred.

They need to be treated like ladies,

not passing cargo vessels.

- l know that, l got a good woman.

- A good woman?

A good woman is love.

Pure, true and breakable,

like Venetian glass.

Remember.

Every daughter has a father.

And most have brothers with sharp knives.

Hey. Somebody's getting

some tonight, huh?

Sure, man. Party's on tonight.

Take your camera tonight.

Do me some pictures. With nipple.

- Jake, look at me.

- What?

- Promise you won't screw up.

- l'm not gonna...

- Promise?

- l promise!

l'm not gonna screw it up, man.

Do you want it in blood?

All right, look. Let's go over your plan.

You do have a plan, right?

l'm not gonna lay it out for you.

l'll...take her to dinner or something.

- Come on, dinner's obvious. Where?

- l don't know. La Trattoria.

What are you, retarded?

You can't take her to the North End.

- lt's too ltalian.

- That's the point, she's ltalian.

No, no, take her to my cousin Ennio.

He'll fix you up nice.

No, you can't take an ltalian woman

to the North End for the first date.

That's like a priest taking a little boy

to an opera, it's too obvious.

Yeah. Forget ltalian. You gotta

stay away from your ethnic roots.

l'm not taking her for a kielbasa.

You're not a dumb Polack anymore.

You're ltalian now.

l'm not gonna pretend l'm ltalian.

You better pretend,

and pretend good.

Look, an ltalian can spot

an impostor a mile away. lf they did...

- Could get your nuts chopped off.

- Come on. lt's the 21st century.

Nobody'll get hurt. lt's a stereotype.

He's right. The stereotype is bad.

ltalian men are lovers.

Unless you mess with their women,

and then...

lt's OK to take her to an ltalian restaurant,

just not in the North End, all right?

And, you know, order for her.

Because the ltalian women,

they love to be taken care of.

Freud says that a woman knows within five

minutes of sitting down to dinner...

if she's gonna sleep with a guy.

Brings up, what do you got

in mind for dessert?

Tiramisu?

Well, one dessert, two forks.

- Don't screw up.

- l'm not gonna.

l'm telling you, if you screw this up...

l'm not! l'm not gonna screw it up!

- Hi.

- Hey.

Wow.

- Should l go change?

- No.

No, you...you look fine.

l'm probably the one

who should go change.

- lt's good to see you.

- Yeah. You too.

So, it's freezing. Where's your car?

Actually, my truck smells like fish,

so we'll take the subway.

- Subway?

- Yeah, it's always more convenient.

You don't have to pay for parking

or anything. You know.

You look really beautiful.

Thank you.

First date.

l feel like l'm back in high school.

Yeah, me too.

Why... What's so funny?

Nothing, l'm sorry.

Are you laughing at me?

- You are.

- l'm not, l promise.

- Washington Square.

- l promise.

- Yeah?

- Sorry.

Look...

l'm gonna tell you something.

OK.

Tell me.

lt's kind of embarrassing, a little bit.

Just tell me. l'm sure l've heard it before.

This is nice.

And l don't wanna...

l don't wanna start anything

without being totally honest with you.

l'm involved with another woman.

Yeah, we...we've been together

for 1 2 years. On and off. Well...

Mostly off, lately, but...

l just...l thought you should know.

OK.

Honesty's the best policy, you know.

Yeah, l agree with you.

Wow.

But if you want to tell me anything,

you know, you can...

Now's a good time.

l don't have anything like that.

Where are we?

l'm sorry. You're upset, huh?

l'm fine. Surprised, maybe.

l just didn't wanna have

a nice evening together...

- and then have it get all awkward.

- Well, it's awkward.

- Have you been here before?

- No.

Don't worry. l know what you're getting.

Buonasera. Can l start you off

with something to drink?

Maybe un bellissimo,

very nice Barolo or Chianti.

l think we're ready to order.

The lady's gonna have

the calamari appetizer...

and the spinach

and mushroom penne pasta.

And can she get that

with extra oregano and a side of garlic?

- Garlic?

- lt's good. lt's really good.

As you wish, madam.

And for you, sir?

l have no idea. What's good?

Spaghetti all 'amatriciana.

The house favorite.

- That sounds perfect.

- You know what?

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